To feel sorry for my PILs and think they could have been granted a quick baby cuddle?

[MumDadBingoBIuey]

BIL and his wife have just had their first baby a couple of weeks ago. Delivery and went swimmingly by all accounts, home birth, no complications that we’ve been told about.

We were all told that they didn’t want any visitors at all for the first two weeks while they “bond as a little family”. Except it turns out SILs Mum and sister have been going round pretty much every day has been round as well.

My lovely MIL has been so excited about this baby- she’s knitted some beautiful clothes and blankets for the baby, put together a little hamper of things for SIL and batch cooked and portioned up food to put in their freezer. She did the same for DH and me after each of our DC was born.

Yesterday they were finally permitted to go and visit. SILs Mum and sister were both there when they arrived. FIL pretty much immediately was asked to fix and sort out various things around the house (he’s good with that sort of thing, BIL had no practical skills whatsoever). So off he went to do that.

MIL had taken round lunch and a home baked cake and was asked if she’d mind getting it ready. Baby ended up waking for a feed just as they were all about to eat so SIL fed her (she’s bf’ing) and MIL put her food in the oven to keep it warm. Once finished baby was immediately handed over to SIL’s Mum to cuddle while SIL ate. SILs Mum continued to hold baby while SIL opened the gifts that MIL had brought round for them.

MIL, feeling like a bit of a spare part at this point, asked if there was anything that needed doing, anything she could help with etc. Was asked if she’d mind emptying and reloading dishwasher. So she does that, gives the kitchen a wipe round, takes baby laundry out of tumble dryer and folds it up. Makes tea/coffee for everyone.

Goes back in sitting room, now SILs sister is holding baby, they’re all chatting about some relative’s marital situation while BIL and FIL watch the rugby. Once the match is over BIL starts saying how they need to start getting ready for dinner etc and basically hinting that it’s time for PILs to leave. No sign of SILs Mum and sister getting ready to go.

So they get their bits together and go home, having put in some bracket things to stop the garden fence falling down and fixed a dripping tap (FIL) and made lunch for everybody and cleaned up (MIL). But neither of them were offered to hold the baby for even a few minutes.

We’re round at PILs now for Sunday lunch and they just seem so sad about it. They’re not pushy types at all and are wonderful grandparents to my DC. I just think it wouldn’t have killed BIL and SIL to at least let them give baby a little cuddle?

Your BIL needs to man up and not allow his parents to be treat like this, the PILS also need to be less of a push over, If I had been treat like this I would have upped and walked out, telling the pair of them why. SIL sounds a bit ch and BIL a wet lettuce !

It's nonsense to think that the new parents thought the grandma wasn't interested because she didn't ask to hold the baby. She visited. She made and bought gifts. She helped. If she'd asked to hold the baby then she'd have been slated for pressuring. As well as the new parents being selfish and thoughtless, the other grandma and aunt are also thoughtless and selfish for not offering. Especially as they've been round every day.

Are you the SIL, sound as nasty ?

DGS was born on Boxing Day. We visited a few days later because we live miles away. DDIL had told all her friends they couldn’t meet him until we had, she handed him to me straight away. Every single day since he’s been born we’ve had a million photos and videos, mainly from DDIL because DS2 is working and doing a masters. Every time I read I thread like this I’m so grateful for both my daughters in law.

I’m so sorry for your PILs @MumDadBingoBIuey but you sound like a lovely DDIL. Your PILs will have a wonderful relationship with your children whereas your SIL will be moaning that they don’t see her DD which will be her fault.

Threads like this give me an insight into the behaviour of my lovely ILs when DS was born. I struggled a lot with PND and they came round once a week to help out while DH was at work. FIL did odd jobs and gardening, MIL did things like ironing. I was desperate to hand them DS and go to bed or go out on my own. They were being hugely helpful by being there with me but I used to wonder why they didn’t want to take the baby off me. I now wonder if they were worried about overstepping or annoying me! Luckily I eventually just begged them to take him out for a walk so I could sleep and after that they were a lot more hands on with him as well. They have a wonderful close relationship with him now.

Do they usually have good relationship?
The mum obviously has a much stronger relationship with her mum and sister, I always wonder if there is a backstory? How is the relationship between the FiLs and their son?

Why are peoples sons so shit?! Why doesn’t your MIL’s son say something? It is his baby too, he should pick it up and hand it to his mother.

I went to visit a neighbour who'd just had a baby.
I didn't know her very well then, and she let me feed him!
I was thrilled.

I said parents not mum.

How close are the brothers? My brother and I would be able to tell each other if we'd inadvertently done something to upset our parents

Does she get on with her MIL? There is no rule that says that the grandparents have to be 'equal'. I get on very well with my MIL and I don't have children anyway, but if I did I would expect the child to be closer with my mother than with my MIL, partly because my mother is the more child focussed of the two(more so than I am, hence my not having children in the first place lol)

As others have said - this behaviour is unfair and unacceptable

FIL needs to stop helping useless BIL
They sound wonderful - doing jobs and helping
SIL family should have butted out and given them time to be with their grandchild
They should not have to ask to help

I would let DH let rip on BIL

Aw that's incredibly sad for your pil , I treated mine just like my own parents after I had my children . I think sil mum should have handed the baby to your mil it should have been obvious that she'd want to her hold the baby having not being allowed to visit the first 2 weeks . For the record I don't really get the 2 week thing my parents and pil came to see me the day I got home and did everything they could for me so I could just rest , I loved being fussed over 😊

Sorry yes.

I think I read it as you "blaming" the SIL for not making sure that her ILs met & interacted with their GC.

Or I quoted you by mistake.

Either way-apologies.

Mine would too.
I was being stitched up after the episiotomy and looked up to my MIL stood there all excited with a balloon waving away 😂.

So I had my DM, MIL and DH all stood around happy as Larry whilst I had my butchered biff put back together.

So after that, her coming round whilst I was wearing a giant nappy and milking myself like a cow didn't seem all that inconvenient.

Plus mine became an open house for the first few months after, which I preferred because I could hand DD over whilst I brushed my hair/had a shit in peace/drank a cup of tea whilst it was still hot.

Yes, MIL could have asked to hold the baby but DIL should have taken into consideration that MIL might not want to seem pushy and offered. They sound tight.

That's dreadful. When I had my son, 2 days later (they live a long way away) both sets of grandparents arrived together as they are now friends, and MiL had the first cuddle as he was absolutely tiby at 5lb - she was the bravest! I would never deliberately exclude mine like this, despite their irritating habits.

Awww that's just awful. Why are people so mean and entitled. The whole atmosphere of the afternoon sounded off. Like they were the help or something. What is all this no visiting/ little family bubble thing... Just be grateful for the lovely extended family/ inlaws you have and try to include everyone (within reason) in this exciting time. They will be so grateful for them in a few years time !

I feel so sad for them, all you can do is reassure them how much you appreciate them and that it isn't them (well it certainly doesn't sound like it) - hopefully things will change as time passes.

I don't think your SIL did anything wrong by wanting no visitors in that early post-delivery period except her own mother and sister. It's a time when many new mothers feel physically miserable and fairly exposed. Your MIL may be equally a grandmother to the new arrival as SIL's mother, but MIL is not equally SIL's mother, and it's fully reasonable for her to only be comfortable with having her husband, mother and sister there.

As for the visit... I understand your PILs not wanting to be pushy and so they didn't ask to hold the baby. But if there hasn't been a long history of conflict and nothing was said to suggest otherwise, I would give the benefit of the doubt that this was just an accidental thing where the new mother, her sister & mother were carrying on like they had been for the past few days and didnt think to offer. And the requests for help around the house sounds like utterly reasonable requests of family who visit brand new parents and ask how they can help.

I'd be extremely cautious about wading into this. You should really stay out completely, and your brother shouldn't do much more than let his brother know with a calm "Just so you know, mum and dad didn't want to ask to hold the baby because they're trying not to be pushy but they ended up leaving without anyone offering and they were definitely disappointed by that."

How sad for your PIL's but I do think they should have asked nicely if they could hold the baby. Since her family were doing it they're obviously happy for the baby to be held and cuddled. Maybe they'll get a chance to visit again soon and SIL family won't be there.
Maybe as they didn't ask SIL thought they were happy not to hold the baby?
Most people would offer family to hold the baby but not always. They may have just been exhausted and not thought?

I hate all the comments saying “ask to hold the baby”. These people aren’t strangers, they’re grandparents!

This is the exact same scenario with my brother and his PIL and my Dad and partner. He and my SIL favour their parents and ours are made to feel like spare parts. Your DH should have a word with his DB.

There maybe a history between the parents and grandparents you don’t know about.

just because your husband gets on with his parents doesn’t mean BIL does

When my DD had her 1st baby, I was thrilled and was there for the birth. When DD came home, she came to us first for a few days as they lived in the annex of a large house and the owners were away so she was a bit unnerved being there on her own when her DH was at work. When she went home, I went daily to help and when her MIL/FIL came to visit, I kept well out of their way so they could have time with the baby and DD. I scrubbed the kitchen and bathroom, folded the washing and then made everyone tea and had a chat. I was possibly too conscious about pushing them out.

I feel horribly sorry for your IL's, they sound lovely.

Totally not true in any maternity unit I’ve ever worked in. Plus we (staff) used to pick the babies up for cuddles all the time! We’re not going to leave a distressed baby crying!

This makes me really sad, because I’d have given anything for my in-laws to have been anything like as excited to meet my newborns as OP’s in-laws (or anywhere near as helpful).

I was feeling really awful when my in-laws met their first grandchild so I just let DH deal with them. He doesn’t think to offer visitors a cup of tea but even he knew to ask them if they wanted to hold the baby. No way should a grandparent have to ask!