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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my male colleague shouldn't have asked me this?

238 replies

pikky · 17/03/2024 09:11

Long story short, co-worker has been mildly flirting with me for a few weeks (at work) and eventually asked me to go out for a drink with him because in his words he thinks I'm a nice person. He took me by surprise. I had just got out of the loo and was walking to my office. We coincidentally met in the corridor and it was just the 2 of us. I politely declined and explained that I don't drink but we could go for coffee instead (he proposed this a few days prior to asking to go for drinks).

Anyway, a couple of days later he looked at my ID badge , said the photo is nice and asked if it was taken in a bar. He then looked directly into my eyes and seemed to be eagerly waiting for my response. I said it was indeed taken in a bar in Marrakesh.

Only my face and shoulders are visible on the photo. Background is plain black. I did have a full face of makeup on but the photo could've been taken anywhere really.

OP posts:
Change2banon · 17/03/2024 14:45

pikky · 17/03/2024 14:41

Reading your comments on this thread is making me think you could possibly be the man in question...Does your first name name start with L by any chance?🤔

🤣🤣🤣
Who are you asking?? Me change2banon, @Gollumm or @Bringtheweatherwithyou ???
I’ve been on mn for 10+ years under various usernames.
Your thread is bonkers imo which is why I reply, no other reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

RoseGoldEagle · 17/03/2024 14:45

If a guy asks a girl he doesn’t know all that well to go for a drink- he’s asking you out. Your follow up response was a bit confusing, because although coffees with colleagues of course are common- it left the (admittedly unlikely but possible) scenario that you genuinely don’t like going to bars, but were open to meeting up with him outside work for a coffee shop date. I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to piss someone off at work, so I do have sympathy for that, it might be worth practising some polite but firm responses (men are allowed to ask you out, as long as they do so respectfully- and you are allowed to say no thanks). I do think he might have been trying to catch you out/embarrass you with the photo question- he may be thinking- why couldn’t you just be honest and say you didn’t want to go out with me? (Regardless of whether you drink or not- you don’t want to!).

Chirpythecheep · 17/03/2024 14:50

Give him a spin, you may have a good time and, it may loosen you up a little. Seriously though, if you’re not keen simply bin him off politely rather than performing such a detailed analysis.

pikky · 17/03/2024 14:51

Change2banon · 17/03/2024 14:45

🤣🤣🤣
Who are you asking?? Me change2banon, @Gollumm or @Bringtheweatherwithyou ???
I’ve been on mn for 10+ years under various usernames.
Your thread is bonkers imo which is why I reply, no other reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Change2banon
You've tried to make a point one too many times. Not sure of the input you're looking for. I've been as transparent and open as I could be. I've been answering questions as I've been getting them.

But to me it appears as though you're looking for something that isn't there. So, if you tell me exactly, what you want to read, I'll type it out so you could crack on to other threads with your 10+ years of experience!

OP posts:
Change2banon · 17/03/2024 15:01

pikky · 17/03/2024 14:51

@Change2banon
You've tried to make a point one too many times. Not sure of the input you're looking for. I've been as transparent and open as I could be. I've been answering questions as I've been getting them.

But to me it appears as though you're looking for something that isn't there. So, if you tell me exactly, what you want to read, I'll type it out so you could crack on to other threads with your 10+ years of experience!

I’m not looking for anything at all. The whole point of mn is to have discussions 🤔

I’ve made 2 comments, replied to a comment aimed at me, agreed with another poster, then replied to you again after you questioned who I was … this is how mn works 🤷🏻‍♀️

CheshireCat1 · 17/03/2024 15:01

It comes across to me that he’s playing games with you, he knows that you’re polite and he’s taking advantage of that. Don’t go for a coffee with him.

HoopLaLah · 17/03/2024 15:03

pikky · 17/03/2024 12:49

I get the impression that he'd push boundaries.

So far, he's tried to touch my arm, but I politely moved away. He also felt the texture of my bag as I was carrying it and said this feels nice.

After my attempt at declining the date, he asked if I was good at dancing (again not work related) I said I'm an okay dancer and his reply was "now you've said this, I want to learn how to dance." I smiled and walked away.

What a creep.

He’s harassing you but being sneaky about it.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

Examples include:

  • flirting, gesturing or making sexual remarks about someone's body, clothing or appearance
  • asking questions about someone's sex life
  • telling sexually offensive jokes
  • making sexual comments or jokes about someone's sexual orientation or gender reassignment
  • displaying or sharing pornographic or sexual images, or other sexual content
  • touching someone against their will, for example hugging them
  • sexual assault or rape”

Depending on the size of your employer, you could try contacting your HR department and ask them if they’ve got plans to roll out training on dignity at work, harassment, and sexual harassment. Or ask your trade union rep to raise it with them.

Bringtheweatherwithyou · 17/03/2024 15:10

Please don't go to HR about this OP.

It won't do you any favours and it really sounds like flirting signals were picked up incorrectly (by both you and the work colleague
).
I'll hazard a guess and say that you are doing Ramadam and that is where the month's notice comes in.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. If you are uncomfortable with this man, don't fancy him, don't like him - tell him you have a boyfriend. It doesn't matter whether you have or haven't, it just stops things in its tracks and means that both you and the guy in question can move along in a professional capacity without being uncomfortable.

As you may end up working in the company for many years to come, you don't know where or who you may end up working with in the future.

Many people meet their partners through work. It wasn't wrong of him to ask you out and it certainly isn't wrong of you to decline.

tuvamoodyson · 17/03/2024 15:19

pikky · 17/03/2024 10:39

I really hope he does so he doesn't ask to go for coffee/drink or whatever again.

He won’t….I’ll bet my house on it.

pikky · 17/03/2024 15:19

@HoopLaLah Thank you for this info.

I won't take it up with HR. As other posters have suggested I should just be clear and firm in my communication and boundaries. He's a grown man, so he'll hopefully get the hint and stop being so extra.

OP posts:
Bringtheweatherwithyou · 17/03/2024 15:22

*Ramadan not 'm' - apologies.

Grendell · 17/03/2024 15:26

He sounds manipulative and intense.
I think you found the office perv.

You're stuck having to be nice and polite because of the office environment.
Polite doesn't work with the older office perv.

Hand up, stop sign, whenever he starts talking to you. No words needed.
He'll find a new target eventually.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 17/03/2024 15:30

HoopLaLah · 17/03/2024 11:46

I’m guessing that this older male colleague doesn’t seek out his younger male colleagues, compliment them, ask them out for a drink, and make comments on their ID pass photo.

You are in a difficult position because this is the workplace and you can’t easily tell a bothersome older male colleague to leave you alone.

This colleague shows signs of being more than just slightly bothersome though. The latest incident - in which he clearly made a thinly-veiled accusation of lying - shows that he is not a decent man. The comment he made about you in front of another colleague shows that he will seek to undermine you and trash your reputation given a chance.

I think you need to be on your guard. Women who live alone often find themselves targeted for unwanted attention by a male neighbour who feels entitled to their time and attention. There’s plenty of threads on here with examples. Those kinds of men are likely to do the same in the workplace.

Don’t spend any time alone with him. I’d be surprised if him suddenly appearing when you were alone and on your way to your office was actually a coincidence.

If your employer has HR policies on workplace behaviour, familiarise yourself with them. Make a written note of every interaction he has with you, so that you’ve got a record in case he decides to punish your lack of interest in him by making an unfounded complaint against you. If you’ve got a confidential employee support service in your workplace, get in touch with them. Hopefully he’ll leave you alone, but at some point you may need to have a confidential word with your line manager or trade union rep if you have one. If you’re not a member of a union, I’d suggest joining one now in case this escalates in the future.

There’s been quite a few “you’re making a fuss about nothing” comments on this thread. There have also been several posters pointing out the red flags. Your sense of confusion and discomfort with his behaviour, which is why you posted, is because of those red flags. He is pursuing you, and using “plausible deniability” tactics in the way he’s approaching his pursuit of you, so that people will side with him rather than you if this escalates / goes ‘public’ in the future.

And if anyone says “aww, he’s just being friendly, you’re being mean/ precious / whatever OP”, I refer back to my first para. Is he behaving in this way to younger male colleagues? I very much doubt it.

Just bumping this excellent advice. The OP seems to be getting a very hard time from an alarming number of posters chastising her for recognising some red flags and asking for advice.

Good luck OP - and do follow the above advice. Maybe spend a little time recording what's happened so far so that if he takes any future rejection badly you've already got an account of his creepiness.

pikky · 17/03/2024 15:32

@Bringtheweatherwithyou Thanks for this advice.

I do hope we can move on and have a standard colleague relationship without major awkwardness.

I don't know and frankly don't care of what his intentions are. He could be married and looking for a side piece. He could genuinely fancy me. Or wanting to be FWB.

I'm certain that I don't want to date him. And will make this clear to him.

OP posts:
pikky · 17/03/2024 15:35

@MrsOvertonsWindow Thank you ❤

OP posts:
HoopLaLah · 17/03/2024 15:57

pikky · 17/03/2024 15:19

@HoopLaLah Thank you for this info.

I won't take it up with HR. As other posters have suggested I should just be clear and firm in my communication and boundaries. He's a grown man, so he'll hopefully get the hint and stop being so extra.

Yes, that’s a sensible approach. Hopefully he will get the message and it won’t escalate. But make sure you’re keeping records of the incidents in case it does.

Bear in mind that you won’t be the only younger female colleague he’s targeted in the workplace. It’s not that he’s suddenly having a mid life crisis and started behaving like this. It’s not that there’s something unusual or unique about you which has brought this behaviour out in him for the first time ever.

This is the sort of man he is.

Also, as you’ll have noticed, a number of posters are criticising you for being young / naive whilst others are accusing you of being unduly judgemental of him - in other words, many people are quicker to judge your behaviour than to criticise his behaviour. That’s something to bear in mind, as you could find it’s the same reaction in your workplace.

When I was early 30s, I had a similar-ish situation in the workplace with someone much older - married, kids, grandkids. I was completely unfazed by the comments (praise for my work output accompanied by some ‘gallantry’). Although I found the comments rather unexpected, it didn’t occur to me that there might be anything slightly ‘off’ about them, because it hadn’t crossed my mind that someone twice my age in the workplace might have anything other than professional and friendly intentions towards me. It was only when I saw the expression of a colleague who overheard one of these exchanges that I realised that his comments could be seen as bordering on inappropriate, and worse, that if anything happened I could clearly see from colleague’s expression that I would be the one held to blame, not the senior male twice my age. Interestingly, after this incident of being overheard, there were no further such comments from him.

I hope you manage to navigate this situation without him becoming more unpleasant.

MadAntonia · 17/03/2024 16:22

OP:

So many red flags in this man’s behaviour.

Asking you out for a drink because he thinks you’re a ‘nice person’ is the first, especially given that you were just coming out of the loo. It was overly personal and inappropriate. It was also, on his part, tactical.

Similarly, his commenting that your ID photo was ‘nice’, especially given the leading question that followed: Not ‘where was it taken?’ but ‘was it taken in a bar?’ followed by eye contact and his eagerly awaiting your response.

But this, for me, was the biggest red flag:

He said to your colleague, out of the blue, ‘Laura, do you know that (OP’s name) invited me out for a meal?’

In other words, he lied about you to a colleague, knowing that you would be too surprised to call him out. He’d called you a ‘nice person’ knowing that you’d hesitate to accuse him of anything after he’d characterized you as such.

He’s also laying a trail he can point to if you file a complaint for harassment (‘But she’d invited me out. Ask Laura…’).

This is blatantly manipulative.

He is hinting to your colleagues that you are interested in him. He is planting the idea that you and he have some kind of relationship.

And, of course, he’s got you worried about being ‘rude’. After all, you’re a ‘nice person’!

You don’t owe this man an explanation.

You are not responsible for his feelings.

You are not being ‘ridiculous’, ‘difficult’ or ‘nutty’, as some posters have suggested, nor was there anything mixed-up or confusing about your post. These are concerning behaviours.

I would go to HR with this. Tell them exactly what you’ve told us. At least then it’s on record if it escalates (and it already has).

You are not being unreasonable.

You have done nothing wrong.

Trust your instinct.

PS: Have just read your further posts, and he is more than pushing boundaries.

He’s exploiting your suggestion that you meet for coffee. Also, asking if you knew how to dance, and using your polite reply against you.

But this:

He tried to touch your bag (testing boundaries). Then he tried to touch you (borderline assault).

By any standards, this is deeply inappropriate behaviour.

Chances are this will not end well. At the very least, he could make your life a misery. You may find yourself dreading going to work. I strongly suggest you take action now.

As a previous poster suggested, keep a log of his behaviours, and have a word with your line manager or union rep (or HR).

I suspect he’ll try to create opportunities to be alone with you. Do not let this happen.

And if he touches you, tell someone immediately. Do not hesitate to call the police.

FirconeTheCat · 17/03/2024 16:29

Maybe he’s confused because you said you would go for coffee? So perhaps he thinks you’re willing to go on a date.

Helengreggregson · 17/03/2024 17:02

To be honest OP i get this. That feeling when you get creepy vibes . In general it’s a weird question to ask if someone is “in a bar” in a photo in general, it’s just an unnecessary observation. The fact you said you don’t drink would raise my “creep” suspicions. However it could be that he is a nervous / awkward person. Either way i would suggest making your intentions clear in all further interactions. Suggesting a coffee , while polite, may give him the wrong idea.

Helengreggregson · 17/03/2024 17:18

Also I get the whole “gotcha” thing that another poster suggested. Trust your instincts. Don’t get why so many people have said you are being unreasonable.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 17/03/2024 19:56

Icedoatlattelove · 17/03/2024 09:37

I think it's pretty clear he was accusing op of lying or fobbing him off. This whole faux confusion by pp's is so dull.

Erm, 92% of us were suffering from not so faux confusion from the OP's opening posts

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 17/03/2024 20:00

dudsville · 17/03/2024 09:33

This has become far, far more mixed up and confusing than it ever needed to be. Ideally you'd go back in time and when he asks you for a drink you say "thank you, but i don't go out with colleagues". This wording covers all bases as to whether the request was a date or just friendly because it also isn't clear whether you even want to be friends with him. Given the situation though and how confusing it's become I think you need to own up to the mixed signals you've given him, "sorry for being so confusing, i don't actual go out, hang out, with colleagues, i prefer to keep work seperate from non work time, but you're a nice guy and i didn't want to be rude, so I muddled things and got myself into a twist".

Nice way of getting back on track

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 17/03/2024 20:15

pikky · 17/03/2024 12:49

I get the impression that he'd push boundaries.

So far, he's tried to touch my arm, but I politely moved away. He also felt the texture of my bag as I was carrying it and said this feels nice.

After my attempt at declining the date, he asked if I was good at dancing (again not work related) I said I'm an okay dancer and his reply was "now you've said this, I want to learn how to dance." I smiled and walked away.

Mother of all drip feeds

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 17/03/2024 20:23

pikky · 17/03/2024 14:11

Lots of posters have agreed with my interpretation/analysis.

I don't think there is any need to warn him off as you say because I'm cancelling the coffee meet up anyway. So, I guess I'm doing him a favour.

Yes - those posting - but 92% have voted that YABU

MadAntonia · 17/03/2024 21:32

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 17/03/2024 20:23

Yes - those posting - but 92% have voted that YABU

So?

92% could be wrong.