To think my male colleague shouldn't have asked me this?

[pikky]

Long story short, co-worker has been mildly flirting with me for a few weeks (at work) and eventually asked me to go out for a drink with him because in his words he thinks I'm a nice person. He took me by surprise. I had just got out of the loo and was walking to my office. We coincidentally met in the corridor and it was just the 2 of us. I politely declined and explained that I don't drink but we could go for coffee instead (he proposed this a few days prior to asking to go for drinks).

Anyway, a couple of days later he looked at my ID badge , said the photo is nice and asked if it was taken in a bar. He then looked directly into my eyes and seemed to be eagerly waiting for my response. I said it was indeed taken in a bar in Marrakesh.

Only my face and shoulders are visible on the photo. Background is plain black. I did have a full face of makeup on but the photo could've been taken anywhere really.

To your surprise, I get on just fine. No anxiety/neurodiversity issues either.

I've also not said it is "causing me so much concern".

Maybe he's just a bit awkward and was trying to make conversation. All the things OP has said just sound a bit awkward to me rather than a guy trying to be awful but maybe I'm just lucky enough to know lots of decent men and don't need to think the worst all the time.

It's fine he asked. She said no. He then badgers her about her reasons for saying no. You think it's OK to not take no for an answer then badger a woman till they go on a date? And since when did men stop bothering to ask women out? 🤣🤣🤣

He's way older.

You’re overthinking it. However it doesn’t sound like the general vibe from this guy is entirely comfortable for you so just decline any kind of date unless you’re actually keen.

Really odd responses on here!

No, YANBU.

It’s really clear he was attempting a “gotcha” by asking if the photo was taken in a bar - “ah see you do go to bars so you owe me a date at a bar”.

I’d call off the coffee now.

And sounds like you’re not at all interested. So I’d call off the coffee. No point going for a “charity” coffee with him, it’s just sending mixed signals.

I have never struggled with clear communication.

I wasn't expecting to be asked out by a colleague and in person so wasn't sure what to say in the moment. He caught me by surprise and it seems like I may have messed up in my response.

You’ve got the instincts that something is amiss, he took your polite turning down of a drink badly and disingenuously challenged you about the photo on your id badge

frankly it’s none of his business or anyone else’s where the photo was taken whether in a bar or anywhere else. It’s not his business whether you drink or not, whether you’ve ever drunk or not.

your instincts are telling you this isn’t someone you want to know, and actually you don’t need to be nice to him, you can be polite and firm but you do need to be clear.

’thanks, but I’d rather not go for a coffee with you’ or maybe you just say “yeah maybe, I’ll let you know” and then don’t.

Yes! To me it appeared he attempted a "gotcha".

Would be easier to call it off over text, so I don't put his hopes up further. And it all kind of ends now. But, will have to wait until I'm back in the office and find the appropriate time or wait until he asks again. As I have said, we're not friends so have not shared personal contact details.

OP, just cancel the coffee. “Sorry, I can no longer make it.” If he pushes to rearrange, tell him you’re busy at the moment. If he really pushes it, kindly explain that you like to keep your work life and private life separate. Or just tell him the latter straight off the bat.

I’m guessing that this older male colleague doesn’t seek out his younger male colleagues, compliment them, ask them out for a drink, and make comments on their ID pass photo.

You are in a difficult position because this is the workplace and you can’t easily tell a bothersome older male colleague to leave you alone.

This colleague shows signs of being more than just slightly bothersome though. The latest incident - in which he clearly made a thinly-veiled accusation of lying - shows that he is not a decent man. The comment he made about you in front of another colleague shows that he will seek to undermine you and trash your reputation given a chance.

I think you need to be on your guard. Women who live alone often find themselves targeted for unwanted attention by a male neighbour who feels entitled to their time and attention. There’s plenty of threads on here with examples. Those kinds of men are likely to do the same in the workplace.

Don’t spend any time alone with him. I’d be surprised if him suddenly appearing when you were alone and on your way to your office was actually a coincidence.

If your employer has HR policies on workplace behaviour, familiarise yourself with them. Make a written note of every interaction he has with you, so that you’ve got a record in case he decides to punish your lack of interest in him by making an unfounded complaint against you. If you’ve got a confidential employee support service in your workplace, get in touch with them. Hopefully he’ll leave you alone, but at some point you may need to have a confidential word with your line manager or trade union rep if you have one. If you’re not a member of a union, I’d suggest joining one now in case this escalates in the future.

There’s been quite a few “you’re making a fuss about nothing” comments on this thread. There have also been several posters pointing out the red flags. Your sense of confusion and discomfort with his behaviour, which is why you posted, is because of those red flags. He is pursuing you, and using “plausible deniability” tactics in the way he’s approaching his pursuit of you, so that people will side with him rather than you if this escalates / goes ‘public’ in the future.

And if anyone says “aww, he’s just being friendly, you’re being mean/ precious / whatever OP”, I refer back to my first para. Is he behaving in this way to younger male colleagues? I very much doubt it.

I wasn't expecting to be asked out by a colleague and in person so wasn't sure what to say in the moment.

Many of my friends have met their husband/wife/partner at work. It is very normal, as is asking someone out in person - usually the answer is just yes or no, depending on whether you want to go out with the person asking. Some workplaces have a ban on dating colleagues precisely because it is so common.

I wonder if online dating is starting to make people feel the only way to find someone is through an app where everything is agreed before meeting?

I've already told him I won't be able to have coffee with him until next month.

You're right. I'll shut the whole thing down when he asks again. I can't be arsed with going back and forth.

Thank you for this. It's valuable advice. ❤

Agreed.

You don’t have to be rude and you don’t have to launch into a detailed explanation or justify yourself. Next time he asks you about coffee or similar, simply say, “No, sorry, I’m busy”.

He was clearly trying to catch you out with the comment on your ID photo and he really overstepped the mark with his comment about you asking him out for a meal. Did you not see he fancies you? His approach is almost bullying in its pushiness. Engage as minimally as possible.

A good trick is to look away immediately. He speaks to you as you enter the building, say “Hi Dave” and immediately look away and carry on walking. That cuts off any conversation he might try to make. You’ll have to do it a few times for him to get the message, but it will work.

Not sure what the policy is regarding dating colleagues in my workplace. It's not something I've ever considered.

I met my ex partner (we were together for 8 years) on social media. It helped that we talked a lot and for a number of weeks before we met in person. We established that we had lots of things in common and just got on really well so we decided to take the relationship further.

He’s had a lucky escape imo.

@pikky is that photo on your id anywhere online? How would he have known?

I suspect if you like that photo, you’d have put it somewhere else and he clearly knew the answer to that question before he asked it.

hes been googling you or e-looking you up (aka stalking)

Not fully as he's still waiting to go for coffee next month. He mentioned again on Friday.

Then please correct him so he can move on from you.

Yes, that was my thought too, that he was trying to catch you out after you said you don't drink. It does sound minor, but it obviously felt off to you. No harm in a coffee and see how it goes I suppose.

My Instagram is private and I only have close friends and family on there anyways.

I think he might have just thought full face of make up = night out.

If you do go for a coffee then get another colleague to go with you.

Personally I would just politely refuse the coffees from now on.