To think my male colleague shouldn't have asked me this?

[pikky]

Long story short, co-worker has been mildly flirting with me for a few weeks (at work) and eventually asked me to go out for a drink with him because in his words he thinks I'm a nice person. He took me by surprise. I had just got out of the loo and was walking to my office. We coincidentally met in the corridor and it was just the 2 of us. I politely declined and explained that I don't drink but we could go for coffee instead (he proposed this a few days prior to asking to go for drinks).

Anyway, a couple of days later he looked at my ID badge , said the photo is nice and asked if it was taken in a bar. He then looked directly into my eyes and seemed to be eagerly waiting for my response. I said it was indeed taken in a bar in Marrakesh.

Only my face and shoulders are visible on the photo. Background is plain black. I did have a full face of makeup on but the photo could've been taken anywhere really.

This thread has actually amazed me at how many women make excuses for blatant boundary pushing by men.

What possible explanation is there for him asking if the photo was taken in a bar other than him trying to catch her out? There is none.

He didn't say "That's a nice photo, where was it taken?", he said "was it taken in a bar?". It's very specific, and very pointed given the context of the OP turning down his request to go for a drink. He was trying to say, "Hah - you do drink in bars! So you have no justification for not wanting to go to a bar with me!" Classic boundary pushing, invalidating the OP's "No".

Do you seriously think he will be sitting around steadfastly declining multiple other opportunities waiting for a coffee with OP in a months time? There's nothing for him to move on from, they've not even been on a date! We don't owe explanations to every man who fancies dating us.

This kind of behaviour by men is the reason women lie and say, "Sorry, I've got a boyfriend" when turning men down. Because just saying that you don't want to isn't enough for these men - you need a watertight cover story to justify your refusal. A woman's wishes are irrelevant to them.

Don't go anywhere with him, no matter how innocent it sounds. His intentions are clear and they are not honourable.

eta: He's putting pressure on you, repeatedly. Trying to wrong-foot you, making you feel you've done him a disservice, all to get his own way. Nip it in the bud.

I find your laughing faces very rude. Is that how you communicate with people in real life? Laugh when they make a point. And I definitely did not say I think it's ok to badger a woman to go on a date. Maybe your comprehension skills aren't great, maybe you're just rude or maybe I'm just too old for this site.

I don't think we're making excuses, just advising the OP to communicate her boundaries. She clearly doesn't want to date the guy or any colleague, so a clear no thanks was all that's needed. She sounded like she did want to go out with him - and he still thinks she will do next month - hence he's kept flirting. That's not an excuse, that's what would happen if they both liked each other. But she doesn't so she needs to cut it off then the boundary is clear.

The OP did communicate some boundaries (she didn't want to go to a bar), and his response was to try to push that boundary and try to invalidate it.

I agree that she should be clear that they are not going for coffee either, but it wouldn't surprise if he continues to push regardless of what she says.

@pikky Don't contact him, not even to say you don't want to go for a coffee. Pushy men will take any contact by you as encouragement.
Wait until he brings it up again and give a clear 'no'; if he asks again after that, its harassment.

Thank you. This is the plan. No coffee anywhere.

I agree with this. Avoid all non-essential contact, and if he brings it up say no.

He's flirting.

Are you very young OP?

Following weeks of flirting -
Man: Would you like to go for a drink after work.
Woman: I don't drink.
Man: But was your photo was taken in a bar.
Woman: Yes it was. Will we grab a coffee instead?

Followed by utter confusion by this man's 'banter' and supposed breaking of your boundaries.

Just be straight up and tell him you don't date/have a boyfriend. End of.

Bloody hell, we only have one side of this story, yet people are accusing this man of being a creep without boundaries! We have no idea what sort of man he is, the whole original post is confusing, as have been all the drip feeds since!
Has anyone actually thought that he's socially awkward and that the ID badge was just a way to start a second conversation? Especially after being confused by the first one?!
I think the rest of it is workplace banter that the OP doesn't quite understand, the same as we don't quite understand this post!
If he read all this he'd realise he had a lucky escape! 🙄

I get the impression that he'd push boundaries.

So far, he's tried to touch my arm, but I politely moved away. He also felt the texture of my bag as I was carrying it and said this feels nice.

After my attempt at declining the date, he asked if I was good at dancing (again not work related) I said I'm an okay dancer and his reply was "now you've said this, I want to learn how to dance." I smiled and walked away.

He touched your bag? Oh NO.
It doesn't matter whether you think he might or might not be inappropriate or he might or might not push boundaries. The only thing that matters is you don't fancy him and you don't want to date him. So tell him that. Then he will stop.

Because right now he thinks he's in with a chance of going on a date with you.
Or perhaps you like a certain amount of attention and that is why you haven't nipped this in the bud?

Men get away with so much through women assuming that they must be "socially awkward" and feeling sorry for them. That people pleasing conditioning is very strong. 🙄

OP may be either naive or possibly neurodiverse and therefore bad at recognising flirting. (He is flirting OP, and you need to stamp on it.)

But that doesn't explain or excuse his boundary pushing.

Both can be true at the same time.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist
If you're having a pointed dig at me, fine.
But I'm not one for jumping on the typical bandwagon of bloke bashing, when we only have one side, a very confusing one at that, of a story. Totally appropriate username by the way, so edgy... 👏🏻🙄

We've never reached the stage of discussing real personal stuff otherwise I would've said I've never dated a colleague and don't intend to. But, because our encounters are mostly short and brief. I feel it might be slightly awkward to be direct and tell him.

I've said this before - we don't have each other's phone number so all communication is face to face and at work.

I think I get why you're annoyed. He tried to catch you out about whether you were being truthful about not drinking by asking about the photo. That would irritate me too. He should learn to take a hint. However, you shouldn't have suggested coffee as that's just giving him more ammunition to ask again. You should have just said you don't date people from work. Or say you're busy every time he asks if that is too bold.

I think this might be the ultimate example of a "non-event".

Your moment to say, "I don't date colleagues" was when he asked you for a drink OP. You need to learn that lesson for next time.

Asking someone for a drink is always asking them for a date. By suggesting an alternative in that context you were suggesting an alternative type of date.

I suspect you struggle with reading social situations, and this is something you will need to work on.

Thank you. I really should've stopped at the I'm sorry, I don't drink.

Your strategy from now on should be to avoid him. Dont bring the topic of the coffee up. If he asks you, "When are we going for that coffee?", you need to tell him that it won't be happening because you don't date colleagues, and end the conversation there.

Going for coffee with a colleague isn't always a date, but in this context (it was suggested immediately after he asked you out), it will be perceived as a date. So don't do it.

If you have no intention of going out with him then dont play games by saying you will go for a coffee with him

Be clear if you're not interested. Agreeing to a coffee does the opposite.

I have definitely learned!

I had the impression a man or a woman wouldn't ask said individual out on a date unless they know they're single, have gotten to know them a little more, have given phone numbers out, are texting, have established a real interest etc. Hence, I wasn't sure if it was him being friendly or an actual asking me out type of thing. Anyhow, now I understand and very clearly too. 😅