To think my male colleague shouldn't have asked me this?

[pikky]

Long story short, co-worker has been mildly flirting with me for a few weeks (at work) and eventually asked me to go out for a drink with him because in his words he thinks I'm a nice person. He took me by surprise. I had just got out of the loo and was walking to my office. We coincidentally met in the corridor and it was just the 2 of us. I politely declined and explained that I don't drink but we could go for coffee instead (he proposed this a few days prior to asking to go for drinks).

Anyway, a couple of days later he looked at my ID badge , said the photo is nice and asked if it was taken in a bar. He then looked directly into my eyes and seemed to be eagerly waiting for my response. I said it was indeed taken in a bar in Marrakesh.

Only my face and shoulders are visible on the photo. Background is plain black. I did have a full face of makeup on but the photo could've been taken anywhere really.

I'm assuming you are very young OP?

He is more than 'pushing boundaries', he is being grossly unprofessional.

Touching your bag and touching your arm, are violations of your personal space. This is not normal social interaction with a colleague.
Asking about you dancing then saying he want to dance - clearly flirting, which is not appropriate in the workplace.

If in doubt, ask yourself 'would he do that to a male colleague his own age?' If the answer is no, then it is inappropriate behaviour.

Stop smiling at him. Walk away WITHOUT SMILING. It will be hard, as it will feel so rude the first time you do it. Women are so conditioned to "be nice" it is really difficult to stop it. But even smiling at him is giving him encouragement.
You have to walk away from him with a scowl on your face.

If he touches your bag or arm or something similar again, say out loud "please don't touch my bag / arm" with a frown, not a smile. You have to not care about embarrassing him. Because he doesn't care about embarrassing you. He may even enjoy it.
Whether he is socially naïve or a nasty creep, you have to just shut him down by being really clear and not "nice" or smiling.

When he asked you out for a drink, this was the time to tell him you don't date work colleagues.

Instead you said on this thread that you are aware he was flirting with you for weeks, he asked you out, you said you can't because you don't drink and instead you asked him for a coffee.

Either you're playing games yourself or you are as bad as he is......

Even now instead of learning from people on this thread, you are primarily bothered about whether or not he was trying to catch you out.

Just tell him that you are busy/leaving work early because you and your boyfriend have plans. That is all you need to do.

You know full well what he meant by asking you for a coffee, we all know he didn't mean at work. You said yourself he's been flirting. If you don't want to date him then don't have any beverages with him, at work or elsewhere. It will only allow him to think he has a chance. Tell him you've changed your mind.

I didn't understand this at first and am still a little confused because you said you don't drink (why the bar in Marrakech? unless some social event but anyway..) But now I understand you are wondering why he asked if it was taken in a bar when there was no indication of that in the photo. I would be perplexed too! Unless it looks more like a bar than you realise.. Otherwise I would be thinking he is insinuating that I am a liar/big drinker after you already told him you don't drink. In which case this kind of thing really pisses me off. Someone I barely know being over familiar and questioning my integrity.

Not too young. I was in a long term relationship but we broke up.

I also tell men at the talking stage that I don't drink alcohol so haven't really been asked to go for a drink/to a bar. It's all been either hot drink or a meal. And, I prefer it this way.

I did say my plan is to refuse the coffee and anywhere. I've scrapped the cafeteria too thanks to some posters encouraging me to.

I've told two colleagues that I broke up with my long term partner but I could say I'm meeting with him or better not provide a justification altogether. I don't need to give a reason as to why I don't want to go for coffee.

I agree the OP knew. She’s playing games with him.

My sister and I went to Buddha Bar in Marrakesh - we had soft drinks and some nibbles.

Thanks. You've described my exact take on the situation.

I promise you, I am not playing games with him. If I did, I'd surely have some experience doing it and wouldn't need to post this thread.

I thought you were young too. I was similarly nice when I was younger, and innocent and naive. Now I’m older and cynical. No male colleague asks a female colleague for a coffee so they can have a chat about work. Men need blunt answers. We don’t need to be nice and we don’t need to be kind or worry about their feelings. They’ll push and push unless you make it absolutely clear that you’re not interested.

So let me get this straight you:

• Require a month's notice to meet for coffee at the work cafeteria
• Freak out when a man touches the texture of your bag
• Suggest grabbing coffee when a man you don't like asks you for a date

The responses in this thread have really surprised me. This young woman has been polite to an older male co-worker because, she has to work with him and see him everyday. Said man has taken this as her being interested and she’s been caught unawares by being asked out so she’s tried to placate him for fear of offending (a very common thing to do) but now she’s apparently playing games with him.

OP, just fob him off until he gets the hint. He’s a big boy and can handle it I’m sure and if he can’t, then it’s his problem not yours.

OMG if you overthink things to that extent maybe some one should warn him off

Thank you ❤

Lots of posters have agreed with my interpretation/analysis.

I don't think there is any need to warn him off as you say because I'm cancelling the coffee meet up anyway. So, I guess I'm doing him a favour.

-There's a reason behind the month's notice which I don't want to reveal on here.
-When have I written: "I have freaked out when he touched my bag" please point me to this exact statement in the thread.
-I have admitted again and again and again and again that I shouldn't have suggested coffee in the canteen. I can't go back in time and swallow my words unfortunately.

Honestly forget worrying about appearing rude. He’s relying on this… I think you should say something like “Why do all old codgers like you insist on treating your female colleagues like extras in a Benny Hill episode? I am not interested in meeting you for any kind of social event thank you.”

Some of the bitchy comments on here! Christ. I’m going to remember this next time someone complains about tattle.

No. But you didn’t need to give a reason why you didn’t want to go for a drink either. You certainly don’t need to give anyone your relationship history over refusing to go to the canteen with them.

Can you see why a lot of posters have assumed you must be barely out of your teens, OP?

I didn’t say OP owed him an explanation 🙄
But after flirting, then arranging coffee, then changing her mind, just let him know. Instead of skirting around it all, making excuses, just tell him straight 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly this.

Gosh, I think she’s just easily flustered and bad at being clear.

Reading your comments on this thread is making me think you could possibly be the man in question...Does your first name name start with L by any chance?🤔

😅