Other school parents actively avoiding my ND child

[Heartshapediamond]

My 6 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ASD.
I haven’t actively told the other parents at school but they have had clearly been able to tell he’s ‘different’ for a while now.
He used to always get invited to parties and now he’s being totally excluded.
Not only that, but even when I see the other parents on the playground they will literally turn away. If they see my child talking to theirs they almost run over to them to break up the conversation.

I’m so sad for my son. He’s not violent or particularly aggressive, but he does have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things. He’s prone to screaming and hitting me (he doesn’t hit other children).

It’s even harder as he doesn’t have any siblings and we live in an area where there aren’t many kids his age, and the ones that are don’t really play out much.

We have a couple of friends outside of school. But even that’s getting harder to organise anything. School holidays are very lonely for him.

I asked one of the mums of a boy he talks about at school whether said boy would like to come for a play date at our house. She said she’d let me know. Radio silence ever since and she now actively avoids me, unless she can’t then it’s just a very swift hi.

What the hell do I do? This is compounded my the fact I’m also waiting for a diagnosis of ADHD for myself. So my rejection sensitivity (RSD) is on high alert.

Yep - in our case (and DD2 is not in the least bit aggressive or prone to meltdowns in school - she's a complete rule follower who is incredibly sensitive to not making any of her peers at all unhappy - a really really kind and sweet-natured kid and her dysregulated periods involve her falling apart at home), it was VERY driven by the parents who were trying to micromanage friendships. The kids started to break down the rift among themselves but it was re-ignited on multiple occasions by the parents. It was horrendous and I still struggle to understand just how this group actively tried to make a 4 year old unhappy.

We ended up leaving the school because we were not going to fix that and the culture as they moved up to juniors was incredibly intolerant of SEN. DD2 maintains friendships with one girl from her class.

Beavers, cubs and scouting were an amazing outlet for her in terms of being more accepted for who she is, plus we've raised her awareness from an early age that there are things that she finds harder, that the term to describe this is ...whichever diagnosis it is... and that we expect her to try her best, be herself and that we'll back her all the way from that.

Nephew is ND and attends an Inspire centre.

Seems to love it

This is so hard. I want my kid to be the kind kid, the one who always includes others and I fully believe in the importance of inclusion. I'd hate to think of a child with additional needs feeling alone or lonely at school.

BUT when I was at school there was a boy with autism and as an 8 year old I was apparently 'very good with him'. Because of that, I was sat next to him in class, partnered with him in PE and asked to play with him on the yard. Honestly it made life a bit crap both being on the receiving end of his aggression and leaving no space to make other friends. As a result I'm always now torn with what to tell my children, but I have a hard line when it comes to them getting hurt. I'm really clear that if they've been hurt or are worried about getting hurt, they can't be compelled to play with somebody.

My DD is friends with a ND child in her class and while she does like her and is extremely good with her she does also find it hard. Because she’s friends with her and good with her she has to sit next to her every lesson, every lunch time, every bus journey because X always gets what she wants (otherwise she has a massive meltdown) The other week she said I wish I could just sit with my other friends sometimes.
Being a friend of someone with difficulties is challenging especially for young children I’m sorry your son is left out but if he’s having meltdowns and screaming I can see why he is avoided

I am not stereotyping, because acknowledging poor outcomes and what led to those outcomes isn't stereotyping. Sadly, the young adults I have met, who were failed by their parents and educational settings, are very much not fictional. In this thread, you have called an OP and her child unkind, because she protected him from violent behaviour. That attitude is exactly what I'm talking about; it's a bigotry of low expectations that harms autistic children.

I am aware that the OP has said he's not aggressive. However, in the following sentence she said he screams and hits her. There is somewhat of a contradiction there...

He may not have hit any other children yet, but have they seen him hitting her? He is overwhelmed at school and getting visibly angry about it. They are also small children and they will reasonably anticipate that his anger may escalate to him hitting other children.

Yep. DD2 has never ever lashed out at anyone (possibly her sister when her sister's really really pushed her and wound her up) in her life, barely raises her voice even to ME as her mum when I'm enforcing such awful life-ruining expectations like a habitable bedroom and is so kind and empathetic she will dissolve into tears in sympathy at someone else being upset... but she was really actively marginalised just for being a little bit different.

Her ASD really manifests in very black and white absolute thinking, needing to know routines and expectations clearly, being desperate to follow rules and make teaching staff happy (absolute dream to have in a class for this) and wanting to be kind and make anyone around her happy and looked after. If she gets emotionally overwhelmed generally it comes out as huge sobbing fits when at home about something completely trivial and then the whole sorry tale comes out. She's anxious - but she's anxious to please people and do what they expect from her (which is going to make her very vulnerable in older life and worries me lots).

Great post, especially your point about how you felt as an autistic child. It's important to consider that the other people responding in this situation are unlikely to all be NT either. Both parents and kids.

If this is a mainstream class in Year 1 or Year 2, odds are some of the others will be ND and not diagnosed yet. When my ND child was that age, we didn't know, but we were aware they struggled with other DCs meltdowns.

OP, I really feel for you. I have an ND child who doesn't have many friends. The children who will play with her don't want to spend time with her out of school, because she's very needy and gets upset easily. It's really hard because DD notices and gets visibly upset about being excluded.

But I get it. DD isn't volatile, but she's very rigid at times. She is also developmentally and socially behind her peers, and has a huge amount of accomodations in her EHCP, some of which probably look like favouritism to a 10 year old because they don't understand how much DD struggles to cope. They just see the fidget toy or the movement break. As much as it makes me sad, I can understand why her peers don't want to hang out with her.

Firstly I have to stress - All behaviour is communication. If your son can be volatile and lash out, this will be because he's struggling with an unmet need. You need to try and work out what need is unmet. I don't know what your son has in terms of support, or what services you've accessed, but this is a list of some of the things that have helped DD.

-The 5 point scale is a really good, visual tool to support ND children in recognising which zone of emotion they're in. In DDs specific we support her in recognising her trigger and start re-regulation activities when she recognises she's at "yellow" (anxious/stressed/upset). It took a lot of consistency, but with support she can now recognise her zone and act on it.

-Social stories are a great way to help ND children understand various scenarios as they break them down and explain them in a way ND children understand.

-Visuals such as visual time tables are very helpful in supporting transitions across the day, because it means children can physically see what the routine is for the day. A visual now and next board can also help hugely with transitions, because it shows clearly what they should be doing now and what they will be doing next. They can always refer back to it which creates a sense of security.

-Brain or movement breaks to give a child the chance to remove excess energy and re-regulate before going back into class. DD and another child with similar needs have scheduled movement breaks with a member of staff in the schools inclusion shed.

-ND children also often experience proprioceptive dysfunction. proprioception is the sense that tells the body where it is in space. It has a significant role in self- regulation, co-ordination, posture, body awareness, focus and speech. We get this input via our skin, muscles and joints. Lots of activities done in school such as writing and focussing need a huge amount of proprioceptive input.
To help DS improve his proprioception, "Heavy work" activities with such as pushing, pulling, wheelbarrow walking etc are helpful. Activities that give deep pressure to the muscle and joints such as tight hugs, massage and lycra body socks are also helpful.

If your son doesn't have an EHCP I would recommend applying for an EHCP needs assessment to get the ball rolling. An EHCP is legally binding and will help make sure support is consistent for as long as your DS is in education.

I've added some social stories and an example of the 5 point scales, I hope these can be of some help to you and your DS

You're more than welcome to message me if you need some further support. SEND parenting can be incredibly isolating.

I'm saying that my friend's son fits with the ops description of her son not being violent but this doesn't necessarily mean it's not a problem and isn't annoying the other children.

Im not sure thats what the poster means. Unless Ive read it wrong the poster is saying that OP might be using her son's diagnosis as the sole reason why other kids dont like him or dont want to play with him and is saying its not easy to interact with others, so dont trot the ND out as an explanation.

I didnt see that post as saying he's not diagnosed

I don't think the OP needs any one else to berate her as to her why other children don't want to be friends with her child. If you're here to say that then don't worry, it's been said and you can safely move on.

OP this is so difficult, have you talked to the school about your worries? I don't know what they could do but still worth talking over with them I think. Are there any schools in your area with an ASD unit attached? They might be much better equipped to prevent your son getting to the point where he melts down and to properly support him. But I don't know how difficult places are to find.

The other thing I'd ask is - is your child actually lonely? Mine has ASD and adores the holidays because he loves being alone - lockdown was a dream for him. But every kid with ASD is different, some do desperately want friends, I just wanted to check that you weren't projecting your feeling onto him (I know I have done that in the past with mine!).

What ignorance?

That the reality is, whether child or adult people dont want to be frightened by others around them, they dont want to see distressing behaviour.

People arent there to serve your needs or your child, why on earth would people negate and compromise their own needs or their own child's welfare to meet your childs needs?

So no, you cant blame them and the best way for OP's son to feel included is to be around people who arent going to be frightened or intimidated by his behaviour. It makes no odds to the person on the receiving end where its coming from, I wouldnt want my child upset by another child's outburst whether its from SEN Or anything else.

Your post is a joke

As a mum of a child who is autistic and has ADHD I know how horrible it is for your child to be excluded. Some parents are simply horrible and will exclude a child for no other reason than they are ND. Those are the ones you need to wide berth as your child will always be there scapegoat (i.e there child poked yours, hit yours and said horrible things but when your child reacted to this behaviour they got blamed). There are also kids who genuinely will struggle to deal with your son's behaviour because it frightens them. There parents may want to encourage a friendship but can't.

However reading what you have written a few things jump out such as he is prone to Meltdowns and screaming and hitting you. How is he behaving in school? Be brutally honest with yourself about it. Is it possible he is scaring other kids with his meltdowns? They are young kids and it can be very scary up witness a meltdown at 6.

Ds used to have massive meltdowns in class but school rules are the other kids should leave the classroom when this happened. This seemed madness to me as it only disrupted and upset the other children further and isolated ds totally because they witnessed his full meltdown by the time the classroom was cleared of kids.

I asked the school to monitor for signs he was becoming overwhelmed and take him out somewhere quiet. If he was going into meltdown he was also taken out (which was a relief to him). This sounds bad but I did this because I knew the classroom environment was the reason he was in meltdown and so the other kids didn't see his meltdowns as I knew they would inevitably be wary of him if they did and it would isolate him further and possible long term.

It was never done as a punishment but he was given lovely sensory time, or quiet time that he needed so he loved it and wanted to go. He is Y7 now and gives his teacher a hand sign he needs to leave the classroom because it's getting to much. I also picked him up 15 minutes before school pick up time as he couldn't cope with how busy and noisy the playground was at school pick up time. It also meant other parents were not around to judge if he had a meltdown. He has a soft start in the morning where he can go straight to class and not line up. He is normally in class 5 minutes before everyone else and settled at his desk with everything set up the way he likes it to be.

We worked closely with the school on teaching him coping techniques one of which is he can take himself out of the situation when he is becoming overwhelmed.He does incredibly well in school, has a lovely little group of friends and is happy. Very few kids have ever seen him have a meltdown. They know he is autistic as he openly told them when he wanted to.

If the school are supportive have a serious conversation with them about how your son is being isolated, ask them what they believe the reasons are and be prepared for some hard truths then work with the school to out the best way to tackle this. Listen to what the school say and take onboard there advice. Personally I would be trying to get strategies in place so he doesn't get so overwhelmed he meltdowns. Look at sensory input, quiet time, ear defenders, a quiet area for his desk, not sitting next to the loudest or chattiest child in class, picking him up earlier or dropping of slightly later depending on which he struggles most with.

Are you forcing children that are not his friends to be his friend? I know you want him to play with other children, and it must be so frustrating to notice that the parents are being so cold, but I noticed that children have preferences on who they want to play with too. Sadly I realised that the “mum friends from the school gate” I developed friendships with would judge me on what they’ve heard about my child (e.g. Oh so you are so and so’s mum) - so clicky I only had the time of day for those my DD wanted to invite to bdays and play dates and a few I connected with because we had similar lifestyles (and it took years to figure who those people were!).

I would suggest 2 things - find a parent to become friends with and start hanging out and your children will naturally hang out. This doesn’t have to be at school but might mean finding clubs etc. Second Find out who his friends are and speak to those parents - they should be fond of eachother.

From experience my DD had a friend that was ND, she was definitely a character - but she came to all birthdays, we had play dates but it was because they were close friends at school. Equally my DD had a friend with mild autism, when they went into year 5 the behaviour became harassment (trying to kiss her, pulling her hair, pulling her jumper off) his mum suggested a play date as he also had a twin sister and I declined - my DD was absolutly miserable at school - cried on Sundays and couldn’t wait for Fridays - and his mum couldn’t see the problem when I explained (I want to add this behaviour went on for 6 months and was escalated to the head and it turned out the school just didn’t bring in the resources needed to help him which was contributing. But in this situation I had to put my DD first as we all do).

It might be 2 extremes but these days children have a mind of their own. And if the parents are acting weird - forget them.

Fundays12 I asked the school to monitor for signs he was becoming overwhelmed and take him out somewhere quiet. If he was going into meltdown he was also taken out (which was a relief to him).

Sounds brilliant. I absolutely agree with you: a child who is overwhelmed needs a break from the trigger! Leaving the classroom is a much needed movement break, and it is so much more dignified for the child to have the chance to leave. Who wants to handle distress with an audience present?

@HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou I am glad that your children are lovely. Mine son is too but you said he was unkind which I am still really confused by. Again I can only assume you have the wrong poster.

I am also confused by the 'shock horror' part of your post. I never said anything about your children so am confused by the argumentative / defensive vibe. Apologies if anything I said has bothered you but I think you've got the wrong end of the stick with me / the wrong poster.

Thanks I was genuinely astounded when the school said they had to clear the classroom as it felt like it was just creating an audience (and my child hates an audience). It really helped long term as ds knows he needs the movement and classroom break so takes it now before he gets overwhelmed.

In what way is OP not parenting her child?

Great post @NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision

My DD is in reception, there’s a child in her class who I would say is ND. Since September he has tried to cut her hair with scissors, grabbed her by the throat and hit her. I’ve told the teacher I want him kept away from her, my daughter is terrified of him.

She’s having a whole class party soon and has clearly said on multiple occasions she does not want him there which I will respect. I couldn’t care less that he has special needs, all I care about is protecting my 4yr old.

The OP is berating other parents for 'leaving her child out' though.

It's just not that simple or easy.

No one is suggesting her son should be away from all the other children at his school to socialise

Presumably, their all parents whose children have suffered in the same way socially and theyve found a path that works for them?

Do I wish my DD could socialise properly with all the "normal" kids? Damn right I do. I'm crying typing this because it makes me feel so awful for her that the "normal" kids dont want to know her so she has to socialise with the "different kids" That shes a "different kid"

But what should I do? Keep forcing her into social situations where people are making fun of her? Where she ends up playing alone anyway? Make her shrink herself and mask herself so she spends a lifetime wondering why she isnt like everyone else?

Or do I go and find her her own group of people who will accept her for exactly how she is?

Exactly. Kids should take cue from their parents not vice versa. If parents are inclusive children will follow suit.
I don't disagree that we set the tone with our children. We should be teaching tolerance and inclusion.
I do think it's reasonable for us as parents not to force our children into situations they find uncomfortable, upsetting or distressing. It doesn't matter whether that's a child at school, a situation in the park, a situation at a club, contact with an adult who makes them feel uncomfortable. They don't have to silence their discomfort to make other people happy.

When PP mentioned the parents at the school gates, if MN is anything to go by there's 50% of parents who are doing the school run with minimal hassle, maybe making small talk, maybe saying hi to friends, maybe dashing off somewhere, maybe indifferent to school gate interactions. Then there's 50% of parents who have main character syndrome where they claim everyone else is looking at them funny, other parents don't like their hair or clothes, parents who are chatting must be a bitchy clique, everyone on the playground is judging them for something, something about a bitchy PTA mum, and generally convinced that they're living rent free in dozens of parents' heads on a daily basis.

I have read all the replies.

My son isn’t at all violent / aggressive at school, I know that as we had parents evening last week. He tends to speak in his mind without thinking and can be quite impulsive, for example putting a Lego brick into the class fish tank. He’ll sometimes make silly noises during carpet time and is easily led by the other boys. He enjoys being ‘silly’ with them. Talking about poo, bums etc, which I know is typical 6 year old behaviour, but he doesn’t seem to know when it’s appropriate to say these things.

He does lash out at me, but it’s very unusual, normally when he’s really overwhelmed after school or in an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation.

He also likes to have control over everything, which can also cause problems as you can imagine.

He’s got some very in depth interests for age, currently it’s the human body and flags of the world (which he has memorised and can match up with the correct country every time).

My friend has an ND child same age as my youngest. We did arrange playdates when they were that age, but she would always stay with her child… because i just couldn’t handle his meltdowns. I didn’t want him to hurt my child, or himself, and i was afraid i could make things worse or scare him by doing the wrong thing.
Do you have friends with kids the same age ?