Other school parents actively avoiding my ND child

[Heartshapediamond]

My 6 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ASD.
I haven’t actively told the other parents at school but they have had clearly been able to tell he’s ‘different’ for a while now.
He used to always get invited to parties and now he’s being totally excluded.
Not only that, but even when I see the other parents on the playground they will literally turn away. If they see my child talking to theirs they almost run over to them to break up the conversation.

I’m so sad for my son. He’s not violent or particularly aggressive, but he does have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things. He’s prone to screaming and hitting me (he doesn’t hit other children).

It’s even harder as he doesn’t have any siblings and we live in an area where there aren’t many kids his age, and the ones that are don’t really play out much.

We have a couple of friends outside of school. But even that’s getting harder to organise anything. School holidays are very lonely for him.

I asked one of the mums of a boy he talks about at school whether said boy would like to come for a play date at our house. She said she’d let me know. Radio silence ever since and she now actively avoids me, unless she can’t then it’s just a very swift hi.

What the hell do I do? This is compounded my the fact I’m also waiting for a diagnosis of ADHD for myself. So my rejection sensitivity (RSD) is on high alert.

That's so sad. My child has autism and adhd and thankfully was always included in everything and the kids would actually 'translate' what he was saying to the teacher if she didn't know what he was saying ( he had severe speech sound delay but speaks perfectly now, you'd never tell).Hope it gets better for your daughter op.

He’s on the waiting list for beavers already (I’ve had his name down for a while, but it’s currently quite oversubscribed)

Just coming back to say your DS would also likely benefit from extra curricular activities specifically for SEND kids. I know some parents on this thread have been very vocal that those groups are segregating and excluding children from spending time with their non disabled peers. But this isn't the case at all.

SEND extra curricular clubs are specifically designed to provide extra support to children who may not be able to access a mainstream extracurricular activity. There are many reasons children with SEND cannot access mainstream clubs. They're often too fast paced, too loud, too busy etc. Children with SEND can often pushed out and excluded by children in the same way they are whilst at school.

A SEND club will often have less children and more staff. The staff will typically have SEND specific training as well. Clubs tend to be more structured and follow the same routine each week.

If it's a youth club type activity, they tend to focus on supporting children in learning life skills such as having conversations, turn taking and cooking. They will often have a snack bar or tuck shop to help children develop the skills needed to choose and order a snack or meal.

If it's a club to learn a sport or skill, the pace of the class will be a lot slower than your standard class, and staff will often explain a skill in multiple different ways because it's very common for SEND children to struggle with processing information and grasping new concepts. Being given the instruction in multiple different ways helps with skill retention.

For some children SEND clubs are the only time in their week where they are included in sport, play and conversations. It's often the only space they are truly accepted, and able to be themselves. It's often the only place they can hold a conversation and develop vital social skills because everyone there has a similar level of need.

My DD has expressed that she prefers these clubs to the other clubs she's attended, because she likes that everyone is like her, and lots of children still like dolls and Peppa Pig, and flap and make noises when they experience strong emotions.

She communicates more with the children in those clubs and is more motivated to practice maintaining a conversation with them, because they have common interests and have similar social deficits. It means she gets lots of practice at improving her communication skills via natural conversation which is really important for a child with a language disorder.

I have explained and she’s still scared. Sorry but when a young child witnesses loud outbursts, shouting and aggression they’re going to be scared regardless of the reason. Im not going to blame her for that and I’m not going to force her to be friends with someone she doesn’t like, I would never do that as it’s unfair to my child. What my child wants and doesn’t want matters too.

The OP has repeatedly said her child is not aggressive. Not aggressive. Why are you still talking about him being aggressive?

You are missing the point. What makes you think the OPs child is any less gentle and lovely. She has repeatedly said he is not violent or aggressive and yet your take away a that he must still be unworthy of friendship with your gently and lovely son. Otherwise why bother pointing out how gently and lovely your son is on this thread?

He also likes to have control over everything, which can also cause problems as you can imagine.

Do you think he's likely to be like that when playing with other kids? Would he find it difficult to let another child decide some elements of how they play, playing together rarely works well unless both sides share control.

As well as Beavers, karate is another activity ND kids I know enjoy - a dojo has very clear rules.

I agree, some people just don’t seem to accept that others get to choose who they’re friends with and who they invite to parties, people are not there to provide a service or opportunity.

OP you say that you haven't actively told the other parents about the ASD diagnosis. If I were you, I would. It could be that some of them think your son is just badly behaved. Do you have a class WhatsApp group? I'd say something like 'some of you may have guessed this already, but DS has recently been diagnosed with ASD. It means he does have meltdowns etc sometimes because he can find the world a bit overwhelming, but we are helping him with this and we would really love for him to form friendships.' Or something like that.

A parent sent a message like this one in my son's class and it started a really good conversation. But then all the parents here are kind, plus lots still do all class parties so nobody is excluded.

(and please ignore the PP's remark about 'incel thinking')

Op has said her child hits her, has meltdowns, gets visibly agitated and screams. Any other child who witnesses these behaviours does not have to be physically hurt themselves to feel fear. They are frightened. They choose gentle friends. As Op's child learns to be gentle and more consistently socially acceptable, the fear of him will go.
Op, can you have a show-and-tell in the classroom to explain more about your child's condition and how other kids can be more sure about being near him? Is there a leaflet that you could hand out? Could you followup with a coffee date for parents at nearby cafe while kids are at school? Would other parents be happier with a play date in a park that they know and like? Ignorance often promotes fear.

No surprise. Sorry.

It’s not about wanting invites to parties or play dates; it’s the issue of a child who can’t help being dysregulated because their brain isn’t fully developed and then some school parents choosing to not teach their child empathy and raise questions.

If some parents taught their child to question why another child may be behaving they way the where, rather than ostracising them (especially children with additional needs), the school (parent) playground would be a nicer and kinder place for sure. In my experience, it’s always the parents who make a bigger deal and are less understanding when it comes to children with additional needs. Such a sad state of affairs.

Not read full thread - I just came on to say could your dc learn to play the drums? Sounds a bit of a random one, but it really helped give my dc (with Sen) an outlet - it’s very physical so can get some of the excess energy out and be very calming (afterwards). Also exercise can be good at helping them regulate themselves a bit (eg walking home from school rather than taking the car). If he can start to regulate himself a bit and get more on an even keel then it may be a bit easier to establish some friendships. What is triggering the meltdowns? There might be some things you can adapt or change around him so that he doesn’t get to that point so often. With one of my dc, we had a sit down and talked about things that helped him to calm down, then I wrote a list of them (they were things like ‘lie on the floor’, ‘play with some Lego’ etc etc . I couldn’t often get him to look at the sheet when he was heading for a meltdown, but I think talking about it helped him a lot.

Agreed completely

The OP is talking about a 6 year old child. 6 year olds get scared when they witness other children being dysregulated @DuggeeH whether that’s in the classroom, in the street, at home etc it’s still frightening to them. Parents can explain until they’re blue in the face, however, that child witnessing dysregulation is still frightened. Children can raise as many questions as they want to but that will never take away the fear they feel. Parents can teach empathy, and many do but if your child is terrified of another then obviously your own child’s feelings come first. Why can’t some parents understand this?

I have watched children wet themselves with fear due to dysregulated children in the classroom, I’ve had to evacuate full classes to protect children from violent meltdowns. I’m not for one second saying this is the case for the OP but it does happen.

As I (and many others) have said on this thread you can’t force children to be friends with each other whether they’re NT or ND.

I completely agree with @soupfiend.

As many people pointed out already it’s not a simple ND vs NT scenario. I was a ND child and I’d have been uneasy, stressed and unsettled(more than most) about being friends with a kid displaying behaviours which I perceived to be aggressive or unpredictable.

It wasn’t clear to me from OPs posts if the classmates have ever witnessed the child “lashing out”? If they have, it’s likely they’re thinking they’ll be next and are giving him a wide berth.

On these types of threads I can never understand why any parent/person/child would WANT someone to be forced to be friends with them.
I am autistic but was undiagnosed as a child. I hardly had any friends. Did it suck? Yes. A lot. But. I was not the same as my peers. I didn't want to play the same games as them. I was much more emotionally immature. Would I have gathered sympathy play dates? Maybe at the time when I didn't really understand that's what it was, but I still knew back then I wasn't the same as everyone else. And believe it or not I could tell when people didn't really want to play with me.
Now I'm an adult the majority of my friends are autistic. I certainly don't feel like I've created some sort of autistic "ghetto". The fact is for a lot of autistic people they get on better with other autistic people. I actually wish I'd been exposed to more autistic people when young as i might not have felt so alone and weird.

I understand the PPs saying “parents should teach their children” but let’s face it - we do not control what they do when they are at school. Of course, we tell them how to behave, but a 5 year olds understanding of interaction is so different to a 10 year olds where you can have a deeper discussion and explain things.

Also echoing what other PPs have said, try and find him a hobby he enjoys. Continue what you are doing by communicating with the school and seeking that additional support. There is so little you can control when it comes to friendship - but you can give him the tools he needs to feel secure and confident.

I'm afraid you've answered your own question.

'He does have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things. He’s prone to screaming and hitting me.'

The children and their mothers know what he's capable of and they're afraid. They've probably experienced behaviour they'd rather distance themselves from.

As he gets older and bigger and stronger it's going to get worse. Do you have specialist support and help with him?

HES SIX.

The other children are six.

If he is unable to cope and control and regulate his feelings that is NOT the responsibility of ANOTHER SIX YEAR OLD, to cope with when its clear THE ADULTS AT SCHOOL are unable to cope with his behaviour.

It is perfectly ok for them to distance themselves if he is causing THEM distress. It is ok to teach children that other peoples emotions are not theirs to deal with - that is healthy. It is healthy to say no.

This is an issue for ADULTS to deal with. Other kids are not there to be EITHER physical OR emotional punching bags for other children.

I OBJECT to the idea that its also about ND v NT kids too. Firstly NT kids still count and still have their own issues. And second the idea that all the other kids are NT and not ND is bloody ridicilous.

The feelings of other kids matter. Other kids retain the right to be scared or upset by ANY other child. There may be reasons for that, but they should not be excuses and they should not be impacting on other children because that is NOT ok either.

All kids have a right to feel safe and secure. Get that ALL kids.

All kids should have their needs balanced. The word here is BALANCED. If it is having aa significant detrimental affect on other parties there is a problem for ADULTS to resolve. It is not for the children who are upset or don't understand to be quite frankly gas light and told they must 'be kind' when they are SIX FUCKING YEARS OLD.

Telling kids not to be dicks and not pick on a kid is fair enough when older, but NO not at six when they don't have the level of maturity and emotional capacity to cope as they are still learning this and healthy boundaries themselves.

Quite honestly, I can deal with friend's child for short periods but not for longer ones. Thats knowing and understanding his issues. Thats with being patient. Its just too much for me as an adult. And yet... we expect very young children to be able to cope with it? On a day to day basis all day in class where they can't escape to have their own time outs from it for their own wellbeing. And then the expectation is that they should THEN deal with it more outside school?

No. This isn't ok.

Things should not be totally centred around ONE child because they have additional needs. If thats the case there is a problem. They need additional help and aren't coping in that school setting. There needs to be a balanced approach.

The OP needs to help her son 'find his own tribe'.
The OP needs to focus on helping her son get adequate support in school which he is clearly not getting.

None of this is the responsibility of other parents NOR is it the responsibility of other SIX YEAR OLDS to have to deal with under thread of emotional blackmail of not being inclusive. All this is, is coercive and thats not ok. It is not healthy.

Wow I see my post was deleted. It had 12 thanks at the last count.

Interesting silencing.

I feel like 6 year olds are more conscious of others behaviours and are able to make the choice themselves. It's hard to 'force' friendships and for other children to play with them.
I can remember myself, who I wanted to play with when I was 6 and being forced by my mum to play with her friends kids for example.
My son has barely any friends and we now stick to SEN activities as they are more suitable and non judgemental from the parents.

I don’t think it’s just mainstream though. Children who attend special school tend to use transport so parents tend to not be on the playground as you’d find in mainstream. It can be more difficult for those children to find school friends to socialise with at home.
OP, does your DS notice this or is he oblivious? Most of the ND children I have taught are more than happy to play by themselves and shun attempts at adults trying to organise play with others. There are a few drop in groups in my area that specifically cater for ND children and their families - have a look at the Local Offer on your LA website to see what’s available where you live.

You talk about the 6 year old SEN child’s brain not being ‘fully developed’, but that could apply to all 6 year olds. You can’t suddenly expect other 6 year olds to respond in a way an adult might.
Schools work really really hard on inclusion and empathy. Children can talk the talk until the cows come home. However, expecting a child to not be afraid / upset / anxious when another child is showing extremely dysregulated behaviours around them is is a step too far.