Other school parents actively avoiding my ND child

[Heartshapediamond]

My 6 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ASD.
I haven’t actively told the other parents at school but they have had clearly been able to tell he’s ‘different’ for a while now.
He used to always get invited to parties and now he’s being totally excluded.
Not only that, but even when I see the other parents on the playground they will literally turn away. If they see my child talking to theirs they almost run over to them to break up the conversation.

I’m so sad for my son. He’s not violent or particularly aggressive, but he does have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things. He’s prone to screaming and hitting me (he doesn’t hit other children).

It’s even harder as he doesn’t have any siblings and we live in an area where there aren’t many kids his age, and the ones that are don’t really play out much.

We have a couple of friends outside of school. But even that’s getting harder to organise anything. School holidays are very lonely for him.

I asked one of the mums of a boy he talks about at school whether said boy would like to come for a play date at our house. She said she’d let me know. Radio silence ever since and she now actively avoids me, unless she can’t then it’s just a very swift hi.

What the hell do I do? This is compounded my the fact I’m also waiting for a diagnosis of ADHD for myself. So my rejection sensitivity (RSD) is on high alert.

Two boys in DS year have issues.

One is lovely but for want of an better expression, he's on the slow side. The other kids just are more mature than him and as they are getting older the difference is more and more pronounced. DS used to have playdates with him but they've increasingly grown apart. They just aren't on the same page. There's no malice in it. The boys tend to all stick to their closest friends out of school for playdates. I think it's fair enough. It's not fair on the other kid to set up 'pity playdates' and if anything that's liable to backfire with the others growing to resent the kid. They get on well enough with him at school. It can't be easy but I dont think it can be forced either.

The other has had loads of issues. His mum used to say he was the gentlest kid. Having seen him run riot, have massive meltdowns and be violent which she was in denial about I wouldn't entertain the idea of a play date. He was also incredibly controlling of other kids and they were not allowed to play anything on their terms. It all had to be about him. There's no way I felt I could have dealt with him and didn't want to be put in that position. His behaviour was having a negative impact on DS and we had massive of issues resolving this and stopping DS from copying. Things have improved massively in recent months but I still wouldn't be comfortable taking on the responsibility.

We also are friends with a couple we have an older boy who is autistic. The dad is one of DHs best mates but he is still totally oblivious to some of his sons behaviour. DS is four years younger and gets on brilliantly with him. They play together occasionally. But he has unpleasant habits and there were issues at primary school with how he treated some of the other kicks. His parents admit that he was a problem and the school tried to spread out who was with him so that he wasn't totally resented by the other kids all the time. He wasn't violent but he would kick regularly etc in an involuntary manner. Nice boy but honestly I am glad he's much older than DS and we don't have to deal with it all the time as itd be unfair on DS and not in his best interests.

This is the problem - the mismatch in needs and what is beneficial for one child may not be for the other and forcing the issue might actually result in bigger issues.

I think the point is finding other kids who are on the same level or kids who are slightly younger who fits better than peers is often the solution.

It's unrealistic and unfair on other kids to effectively do a 'babysitting' playdate they don't want just to stop him feeling left out, because unfortunately it just doesn't work.

Inclusion only works to a point. You cant force friendships. And you can't force parents to take a child they don't feel equipped to deal with. This is reasonable.

Your son just has to find where he does fit in life - and this might be really difficult and take years to find. It sucks but it's the reality of the situation you need to come to terms with.

It is not going to damage your perfect NT child

You have an issue.

Are you really looking forward to it that much?! Sorry I'm heading out to meet friends now. Including (gasp!) one with a disabled child. You should make better Saturday night plans 😂

Honestly, the idea that socially excluding a disabled child and their mum is not rude, but calling someone out on it on a Mumsnet post is...
We just have a long way to go in terms of how people treat those with a difference. The number of references to people's children 'being scared' of this child is so sad. Scared of him because he has a disability.He's a little boy with a much tougher path ahead of him than most.

It’s actually very different. These are young children we’re talking about, of course some of them may be scared of someone having a loud or aggressive meltdown. It’s completely different than someone being a different race. I’m not going to be angry with my young child for being scared of someone who shouts and screams and maybe hits.

The OP has made very clear he doesn't hurt anyone when he is dysregulated. If you actually attempt to explain to your child you might find them less scared.
Trying to explain unkind behaviour from adults, I find a lot harder...

I have a 7yo autistic daughter in mainstream school and forming friendships is very difficult.

I have supported her in growing friendships with just one or two of the children, as this is easier for her. We are fortunate that these two children that are her friends are very compassionate and understanding about her difficulties in socialising, as we have regularly explained things to both the children and the parents as to what might cause DD distress or to become over emotional.

That being said, I have noticed that pretty much all the other children keep their distance, but like I say fortunately she has these two wonderful children to be her friends so she can experience friendship.

I would bet good money these lovely kids happen to compassionate and understanding parents.
I'm so glad your daughter has that xx

I am sorry for your situation op but I avoid parents and children where the child can be aggressive, ASD or not. My 5 year old is the most gentle soul and literally never, ever hits back and is very soft, so I do my best to protect him. Try and see it from the other side.

When ds was a toddler we had to break off a friendship because the toddler with ASD was being very aggressive to my ds and the mum did nothing 'because he wouldn't understand'. It was awful and I'm glad it's all in the past.

@HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou

"I would bet good money these lovely kids happen to compassionate and understanding parents.
I'm so glad your daughter has that xx"

You are spot on!!

@Heartshapediamond its too much effort. People struggle to have patience for their own kids these days and play dates are usually to facilitate a couple of hours occupation for their kids and maybe socialising for the parent. So if your kid is challenging then it's too much hard work for them. Plus do their kids want to hang out with your kid? Does he have friends at school?

i do sympathise and it is shitty but I think you need to find like minded people

I may be wrong on this one, but I suspect that at most you have one child with special needs. Thus you have fallen into the trap of dividing the world into your child and "people who have to accommodate him or her and have no excuses for not doing so".

I have more than one, each with signs of autism, inherited from me. This means they have conflicting needs, and none can be designated as a emotional shock absorber. They all have emotions and feelings, and no-one is less important than anyone else. I have taught them to carry this forward into their relationships with others, which has been very fruitful, i.e. they do have friends.

The visual differences of Down's syndrome are nothing like aggressive behaviour. Nor is ethnicity. Why should a six year old want to have another child in their home who doesn't "let their feelings out in a good way"? The children you sneer at for being NT still have their own struggles with school. The school day is tiring for them too, and their homes are also supposed to be a safe space for them to decompress.

No-one is entitled to other people. The sooner one learns this, the better.

But OP can try.

This just confirms all my worries about DD starting school next year as it looks like she’ll just be forced into mainstream, no matter what I do. So depressing.

I'm 10 years time, when OP has been consistently supporting her child to develop emotional intelligence and yours has been consistently learning he can be unkind to those with a difference, you might just be surprised how the tables turn (I say this as someone who has worked all through the ages ranges with both ND and NT kids). And those who have overcome difficulties are usually the nicest.

@HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou hi, did you mean to tag me? My son is the loveliest, nicest boy you could wish to meet. He has been never been unkind to another child ever. Very gentle. I think you are confused and I'm sorry that that's the case.

And those who have overcome difficulties are usually the nicest.

As opposed to children who have been encouraged to see their difficulties as insurmountable and to assume it's everyone else's job to be their emotional punchbag.

They turn into awful young adults, who are bewildered that they can't develop and sustain romantic relationships.

Not a future I want for any of my children.

Rejection sensitivity - get a grip. Step up to parent your child.

There's a nd kid in my son's class, honestly the kids are just completely fed up with the disruption he causes. I know that sounds mean, but they are regularly having to clear out of the class room for their own safety due to him throwing chairs around because a red pencil wasn't available for him to use or a meltdown over not being able to do what he wants rather than the set classwork or over the teacher drawing a smiley face on the board as it was looking at him funny.

Kids see things more black and white than we do, they see him getting special treatment and wonder why his 'bad' behaviour is 'rewarded' with extra play times, lego, etc. I'm not saying it right but I think that's what it boils down to sometimes.

It's not the kids being intentionally mean but maybe, as a previous post said, they might be overwhelmed themselves by your son's meltdowns, as you know it can be quite a thing to witness especially so young.

Clubs etc sound like a good option to try to make more friends.

We're not talking about these fictional people in your post. We're talking about the OPs son
Who, once again, she has said is not aggressive?
Stereotyping autistic people...much

All three of my children were the gentlest kindest you could imagine. They still are in their mid to late teens. And shock horror two of them are autistic. But thankfully emotionally intelligent and accepting of those with differences too.

Oh yes lets create an ND ghetto, shall we?

OP I second the idea of beavers. Find hobbies outside school that suit him and the friendships will follow.

As for parents taking their cue from their kids. No. Parents decide their kids' friendships at that age and it will all be the parents. You don't have to have an ND child to experience that - just not fitting in will be enough, as lots of threads on MN about the school gate coven illustrate.

Exactly. Kids should take cue from their parents not vice versa. If parents are inclusive children will follow suit.

Our friends child is NOT violent. He's a lovely sweet kid.

This doesn't mean he hasn't had problems with constantly kicking or touching the other children when he was a primary.

He couldn't help himself. It wasn't malicious.

But it was still an issue and the other kids were unhappy.

This is the problem: like any healthy relationship both parties both need to be happy and it needs to be to the benefit of both parties.

If this isn't the case it not a healthy relationship regardless of how inclusive it might be.

We've made it clear to DS that healthy relationships and healthy boundaries are important and he is always free to say no if it makes him unhappy. This doesn't mean we don't encourage him to include other children and we actively discourage deliberately leaving out children or being mean about them because they are different.

He generally is the kid who looks after the others but that has to be his choice and because he wants to not because he feels obliged to.

It's not in an ND kids interests to have unhealthy relationships or one sided relationships either and it's really rather patronising to suggest they should just be included. It doesn't ultimately help them imho.

Would you like to educate yourself as you're clearly ignorant about RSD.
https://embrace-autism.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-in-adhd-and-autism/

What has your friend's son got to do with anything?
You are assuming that autistic children are automatically going to hurt others.
My autistic children would have been the least likely in their classes to hurt others. The most likely to want to be kind to others. The most horrified when other children were unkind or misbehaved.
There is a lot of stereotyping about what autistic children are like on here.