Other school parents actively avoiding my ND child

[Heartshapediamond]

My 6 year old son has recently been diagnosed with ASD.
I haven’t actively told the other parents at school but they have had clearly been able to tell he’s ‘different’ for a while now.
He used to always get invited to parties and now he’s being totally excluded.
Not only that, but even when I see the other parents on the playground they will literally turn away. If they see my child talking to theirs they almost run over to them to break up the conversation.

I’m so sad for my son. He’s not violent or particularly aggressive, but he does have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things. He’s prone to screaming and hitting me (he doesn’t hit other children).

It’s even harder as he doesn’t have any siblings and we live in an area where there aren’t many kids his age, and the ones that are don’t really play out much.

We have a couple of friends outside of school. But even that’s getting harder to organise anything. School holidays are very lonely for him.

I asked one of the mums of a boy he talks about at school whether said boy would like to come for a play date at our house. She said she’d let me know. Radio silence ever since and she now actively avoids me, unless she can’t then it’s just a very swift hi.

What the hell do I do? This is compounded my the fact I’m also waiting for a diagnosis of ADHD for myself. So my rejection sensitivity (RSD) is on high alert.

Absolutely. And whilst we're at it, let's tell those pesky wheelchair users to just make some effort and walk, and blind people to just make some effort and see.
The ignorance and prejudice on this thread is horrible.

OP I think you have been unlucky. In both my own children's schools and those I have worked in, pretty much all the parents are extra supportive to the parents of kids with additional needs and go out of their way to make sure they're not excluded. Usually with the exception of the odd Karen whose kids are not at all as wonderful as they think...

No you can't blame them. If they allow their precious neurotypical kids to mix with the OPs son, they might catch his autism after all...

There was NOTHING that @Overthebow suggested that warranted that reply from you. You should be ashamed of yourself, not once did that poster mention anything about ‘catching autism’. And every parents child is precious, NT or not, now go and have a word with yourself and take your issues elsewhere.

@Heartshapediamond as others have suggested what about some out of school or after school clubs where your DS may meet other children attending the same school? Some schools also do lunch time clubs where he could maybe meet friends from other year groups?

It was the you can't blame them' I was referring to.
And I'm sorry but there is such horrible ignorance on this thread.
Even those attempting to be kind are suggesting she take her son off to 'SEND groups' to presumably mix with people like him.

It's just so unpleasant and unnecessary. And discriminatory suggesting that her son can't access the social opportunities available to everyone else but should be away from all the other children at his school to socialise.

At the end of the day you cannot force parents or children to be friends with anyone they don’t want to. Your reply was rude and aggressive.

You need to find out if it’s the parents being just mean or is basically their children are scared/afraid of your child.

There’s no way I’d be doing play dates with a child my child comes home talking about how they did X Y Z and it was scary or made them sad or maybe hurt them or their friend.

Being kind goes both ways. It’s not kind to inflict behaviour for whatever reason on to someone it distresses in the name of be kind or inclusion.

It’s not about neurodiversity, it’s about violent/intimidating behaviour. As adults we wouldn’t tolerate this from other adults so why should kids be forced to be friends with other children who act in a violent or intimidating manner?

There are 3 ND kids in DD’s class. She’s close friends with one, friendly with another, but dislikes the third because he shouts at her, intimidates her and kicks her. I’m not going to encourage her to spend time with somebody who does this to her - what sort of life lesson would that be?

I had this last year with Dd when her needs weren't being met and she was having frequent meltdowns. The kids were scared of her and understandably didn't want to play. She was very sad as she knew she was pushing her friends away but couldn't help it. Now she's got her EHCP and is generally calm and well supported her friends have come back.

This

I’m sorry OP.

@caringcarer you can’t say that. Having helped one child doesn’t mean that will help the OPs.

I’d also add making sure school are doing exactly what they should be. Much much older than your child but my middle child will
come home.

“blah Blah hit me today…” I’ll ask so what happened when the teacher saw it… “nothing they have sen so get away with everything” is a huge issue with getting other children to want to be near them let alone be their friend, because they see it as an injustice as well as an attack.

I’ve got a shy 6 year old NT child who wouldn’t enjoy a play date with any child who has violent or aggressive outbursts, whether it’s ND or bad behaviour, because it would intimidate her.

I certainly wouldn’t avoid you in the playground but I wouldn’t be inviting your child to a party. I’ve found year 1 is the year they’re tending to want move away from whole class parties to smaller events where they choose which children they want to come, and for my DD that wouldn’t be anyone she was scared of. Sorry if that’s shit, she’s my priority like your child is yours.

He’s not violent or particularly aggressive, but he does have a tendency to have meltdowns and get visibly agitated about things. He’s prone to screaming and hitting me

When I was six, I wouldn’t have enjoyed playing with a child who had meltdowns, got agitated, screamed and hit people. Just because he doesn’t hit other children, that doesn’t mean they have to enjoy his company. The behaviours you describe would be challenging for a lot of children and adults to put up with.

I had plenty of friends as a little kid who were described then as ‘different’ and who (as I now understand it) were neurodivergent in various ways. The neurodiversity itself isn’t the issue. It’s simply the behaviours your son exhibits. It’s not his fault, but it’s also not the fault of people who understandably find it hard to deal with a child who appears to be volatile and easily wound up and is prone to meltdowns and screaming and hits out.

Other children should obviously be considerate and polite to your son, but they really are not obliged to be close friends with him their parents aren’t obliged to encourage it. It’s reasonable that they put their own children’s needs before your son’s.

"You can't blame them" was perfectly reasonable.

I am autistic myself, diagnosed many years ago, and I didn't want to play with children who scared me either.

The following may sound patronising, but given you're advocating that people meekly submit to distressing behaviour from anyone with a diagnosis, I feel no need to keep myself in check. You can model the behaviour you want other people to adopt!

Life advice: other people aren't "social opportunities". They don't exist to meet your needs. If you want friends, you have to be someone people want to spend their time with when they aren't forced to.

OP's child is not achieving this at school. It very much appears he's having meltdowns there, and the other children find it intimidating. That would be because someone your own size having a violent meltdown is intimidating, and trust me, I have seen plenty of them.

It is possible that in a different environment, such as short sessions at a group for children with autism, which may be a less overstimulating environment, he will be able to build reciprocal friendships. It was not an unreasonable suggestion to make.

Solidarity. I found playdates/invites for my ASD (low support needs/what used to be Aspergers) child dropped off from when he was around 6. He's now 12 and hasn't seen a friend outside school for about 3 years, he also doesn't have anyone at school he would class as a friend. I'm hoping when he starts secondary he will find his tribe.

Many mainstream schools nowadays are cruel places for children with SEN due to funding and staffing issues and large class sizes. Many children with SEN are really struggling with school and it is been seen in behaviour - behaviouris communication. You only need to look at the online groups like not fine at school to see it. Unfortunately due to the shortage of money there just isn't the correct support for some children in schools. Even those who have battled LAs for years and have watertight ECHPs are finding their hard won support for their DC is either not happening, executed poorly or their hard fought for support is being shared by other students. This leads to unsupported students having meltdowns, shutting down, becoming aggressive, becoming controlling, regressing socially or emotionally, throwing, flight behaviour and absconding and many other behaviours. Young children and even some older ones are not able to always differentiate between behaviour from an unmet need and what they percieve to be "naughty or unkind" behaviour. To many children some of the more extreme behaviour is frightening, especially if it results in a student been removed or a classroom evacuated. Controlling behaviour is unpleasant for other children and others naturally withdraw from it. Without careful and knowledgeable intervention controlling behaviour becomes a huge problem. Over a few years The unsupported student becomes known in the class as a "problem", particularly if their behaviour is violent or highly disruptive. Some parents will purposely exclude, some DC will become targets and then their parents go in and quite rightly demand the school safeguards their child whilst also encouraging their child to stay away. A minority of the parents will actively encourage others to exclude the dc. The unsupported child becomes a social pariah with no invites to parties or playdates and the child suffers. In later primary sometimes the dc with SEN becomes the "class pet" with everyone taking turns to "include ( read babysit)" them.

Groups outside school are vital for a child who is or is on the verge of social isolation at school. Peers outside school do not see the in school behaviour so the child doesn't have that "problem" label. Some DC are able to mask at school, some come home and explode, some come home and decompress and are totally different outside school and out of school clubs give them that fresh start socially. Clubs related to a child's interest can also be less demanding on them. They are usually smaller than mainstream class sizes, don't have as many rules and other challenges. Clubs are also usually structured and so it's a less Lord of the flies environment than a school playground. Friendships outside school build self esteem. If thing become particularly bad, then if OP moves the DC school in the future they may know these other children attending a different school.

SEN Clubs are more relaxed environments, they usually have someone with some experience running them (unlike some mainstream settings), they are non judgemental places. There isn't the tutting, head shaking, judgemental looks. There are often parents there who understand and are in the trenches. Depending on the group, the child may find a true peer group. This is essential for DC who become "class pets". A true peer group who share your interests at a similar level to you is invaluable, whether it is lifts, trains, pokemon, sea creatures, dnd, Minecraft, fidgets ect.

Widening social circles to Clubs and other groups is a fantastic way to build self esteem of a child who is feeling socially excluded.

Caffeineislife

Brilliantly, brilliantly explained.

But you really can’t blame others for putting their child first and not forcing them to play with children they don’t want to, that wouldn’t be fair on their own child. And you can’t blame a child for not wanting to play with someone if they don’t like them, are scared or intimidated by them. As an adult are you forced to socialise with adults you don’t like in your own free time?

Play dates and children’s birthday parties are not social opportunities to access. Children do not have to invite other children to these if they don’t want to. Im currently sorting invites for my child’s party, and she’s choosing who to invite from her nursery class. She won’t be inviting the boy who melts down in class, hits and pushes her and others as she doesn’t like him for good reason and I’m obviously not going to force her. That’s ok, it’s my child’s party so her choice and I wouldn’t want her upset on her party day. It’s not an opportunity for others to access, it’s her party.

@Heartshapediamond I have two SEN kids in mainstream school, so I get it, I really do. It can be hard, and horrible, and lonely.

It will definitely help you to find local groups that are set up for kids who are autistic: the environment will meet your son’s needs, the people will know how to support him, and you will both make new friends. It’s been an absolute lifeline for us.

Nope, I would like to think we love in a world where people would choose to.
An my post was neither rude or aggressive, it does seem to have touched a raw nerve though.

@Caffeineislife I wanted to follow up on something you said (but not derail) so I’m going to pm you, hope that’s ok! Just letting you know as I never notice if I have a new message.

@OhmygodDont true. One thing children are very very good at is fair and justice. This is where the training issues and inexperience of SEN of many mainstream school staff comes in. Allowing a child with SEN to cause discomfort to others and then just say "oh they have SEN and don't understand" does the SEN child no favours and just excludes them further. It doesn't help the SEN child to integrate socially as it doesn't teach them acceptable social behavior and it makes the other children feel personally attacked. This leads to 2 options, either social pariah or "class pet" who is babied and again does not learn social skills. Many schools address the problem behavior with, get a 1:1. A well trained 1:1 who understands how to support friendships and social skills makes a huge difference. Unfortunately they are few and far between. Poorly trained 1:1s just follow the child around and intervene when undesirable behaviour starts. The child is then just seen by peers as Miss Smith's responsibility and Miss Smith deals with them.

People will choose to if they like the child, and they will likely like the child if they don't shout, meltdown or hit or push anyone. My DC is friends with neurodiverse children, just not the ones who do those things as she gets scared and that’s not her fault.

Not suggesting 'meekly submit'. More educate children as to what is happening.
OP has said her son doesn't hurt other children when he 'meltsdown' ( or more accurately is experiencing overload of the central nervous system).
It is not going to damage your perfect NT child to explain that some people find it harder to walk or speak than other, and 'some people find it harder to let their big feelings out in a good way. His mum and teacher will help him learn though'.

All this talk of being frightened... Teach your children not to be frightened of those with a difference, if they are not in any way harming them. How would you react if your child was frightened of someone because they had a downs syndrome typical appearance, or different colour skin. You would educate them. This is no different.

No raw nerve touched here. Goodness knows why people always assume that on MN when someone responds to a nasty post. Perhaps you’d like to respond to everyone else who quoted you on the thread. I look forward to seeing your replies.

Edited to add, as I said, you can’t force friendships.