To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

[Julio56]

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

Yes, the DC are getting old enough to want their own social life but does that really matter more than their relationship with a parent? If their DF was suggesting that the didn't need to see their DM MN would be outraged

Well, I'd say that by the time children are old enough to have a "say" in the contact arrangements, they're also old enough to make their own decisions about when/how they see either of their parents.

And yes, most teenagers prioritise their social lives over their parents!

Sounds like this is probably about CM - he doesn't want to pay the full whack he'd be on the hook for with an EOW arrangement so expects the kids and ex to dance around his schedule instead.

Kids will probably vote with their feet soon so he'll have to pay up anyway.

OP, you're contradicting yourself here, you say:

"she can make plans whenever she wants (for the next week, for the next 3 months or whatever) we have always accommodated any holiday or night out or whatever she's wanted to do, often meaning I look after them if DH ends up being at work that day."

And the ex-wife has said "great, I want a set pattern of days going forward so everyone knows where they stand" and your H has said "no! I want you to come to me, cap in hand, every time you want to plan something and ask for my permission and if I decide it's worthy, then I shall agree to take the kids and you can go, but I want to maintain that power over you because I am he who must reign supreme, and if you don't like it, take me to court!"

Can you see how that would be grating?

If you're so flexible and willing to compromise and look after the kids when needed, why not just agree to set days?

Does your husband work as part of a team? Im assuming he does. It is pretty difficult to get flexible working requests authorised for set days in the nhs, particularly if children are over five years old so I wouldn’t hold out much hope with that, despite other posters perhaps thinking that it’s easy. I do roster management for our team and no one has set days. Our team members request some of their shifts ( six per month allowed) and those with child care considerations have told us about any issues eg a couple of staff members have no childcare on Wednesdays, others can only do certain night shifts, one has a spouse who also work shifts etc. We then accommodate all this when doing the roster. So with requests and a discussion with his line manager, your husband should be able to make it work for the majority of the time.

Not necessarily!

And lol at he holds the power. You're basically contracted to work when you're needed, and more. You'd get nowhere demanding set hours or threatening to walk. You're not gonna get nice set hours as an a&e Dr ffs. Only other option is locuming and again, not set hours.

Because they're two totally different scenarios one being a shit load more childcare than the other?

Ah yes because it will have been so much cheaper to house feed and pay for childcare for them than the "pittance" that is maintenance right?

This

It's his problem to sort, she's not being unreasonable. A court is highly likely to grant her set days so he'll have to arrange alternative provision.

In all honesty do you think that's better for the children to be in childcare than with a parent?

This is a good point. Their needs should take priority not his work pattern.

Presumably she has to work when she has her kids therefore has to sort childcare for them, nursery, grand parts, after school care, and presumably that costs her money. Why should your husband not have to do the same?

Yeah this.

I also feel bad for the children having no consistency.

Yes but it's considerably easier just having to arrange 2 hours after school than it is overnight childcare.

Would you seriously have your kids in overnight childcare to make a point?

@Chocolatebuttonns every job I've had in various a&e's as doctor I've had great negotiating power as no doctors 🤷

This.

Why is it ALWAYS the female parent having to work around the male parent's working pattern.

If your DH suddenly became a single parent he'd have to find ways to manage. I'm a completely lone parent and I have had to work around my child, not they work around me.

I think you've been very lucky.

Indeed.

Because he's a man and the bar is set lower for him.

You don't need to look after them, but their df needs to arrange childcare for when he's working, just like any other working parent.

Atm is expecting his ex to do his childcare and I'm not surprised she's unhappy. It isn't her problem if he's a shift worker.

The bar is set so fucking low for this particular man it isn’t even funny. God only knows why years after a divorce he still has his ex having to run to his schedule. The judge needs to give their head a wobble. Feel so sorry for the poor cow- can’t imagine having to plan my life around my ex with two weeks notice.

You're all busily inventing these scenarios out of thin air though. OP has stated the kids make their own way home to both parent's houses, hence they're only walking distance apart. Nothing there to prevent then from meeting up with friends.

Or some of us are actually thinking about what's best for the kids and not just the ex?

I'd be saying the same if mum worked shifts too. I don't see the point in kids being sent to childcare when there's already an option that works and has been the status quo.

Nobody has replied and said that actually yes they'd much prefer to send their kids to overnight childcare than do a schedule like this. Funny that isn't it.

seems unlikely to benefit the DC not to know when they will be at each house.

Few mums can work this kind of shift pattern, especially those who are single or with a 2nd partner. Including mums who are doctors.

Him being a (male) doctor adds another ‘layer’. Would guess he’s been used to prioritising his work and the women he lives with doing the same.

And actually if it was the other way round. As in mum was an a&e doctor I can GUARANTEE that it would be

Well dad only has a pathetic 9-5 why can't he work around this absolute earth angel who saves lives for a living. The kids need to see their mum they shouldn't be in childcare. Why should mum have to pay for childcare when dad is available..

This website is laughable sometimes.

I think it depends on your definition of ‘contact’. Is it about the children spending time with their father, or is it about the mother having child-free time?

They are knowing though. 4 weeks in advance. And they live walking distance apart. Hardly disruptive.

Can they not? That's really strange considering how easy posters think it is to arrange childcare round these shifts. Or don't mums have the same incredible childcare conjuring powers as dad's?