To not want to be involved in these contact arrangements?

[Julio56]

My husband works shifts and always has done. This can change week to week and it was agreed with his ex when they separated that he would let her know as soon as he had his timetable so they could plan the days he has their two DC. This happens a month in advance typically, sometimes a little more.

Now...I appreciate as someone who also shares a child with him that it can be frustrating month to month. His ex has decided she wants set days now going forward which obviously DH cannot agree to as he'll at some point be working on those days.

She has suggested we sort it out "as a family" I.e. I look after the DC when DH is working.

Aibu to say no I won't be getting involved? This arrangement was the official child contact arrangement set when they divorced years ago and she like me decided to have children with a shift worker so its just tough luck really? 🤷‍♀️

And that's better for them? OK.

This is so true.

One of my dc is of a similar age and they simply wouldn't cope with it. It's very unfair on them.

Ah okay so when they've got loads of homework it'll be so much better to be doing it in an empty house with no support rather than being at their dads with their dad for support.

The mum works 9-5. The longest they're going to be by themselves is a couple of hours. Depending on the school, they may have clubs or be able to study in the library.

But how people expect older children to thrive without a stable base is beyond me. Most adults don't cope well without this.

For younger kids, at least it's the parents who get the annoyed call from school when the reading book doesn't turn up or the packed lunch for a trip is forgotten, rather than the child being picked out, told off and put in detention.

With children age 10-12, surely the obvious thing would be to ask them what they want

What offer them something they can’t have?

Why do you think it's a problem? I don't know anyone in that age group who doesn't go home to an empty house after school unless they have a SAHP.

11-12 year olds are quite capable of coming home, making a snack, watching TV and getting started on homework without an adult hovering over them.

Why can't they have stable predictable contact arrangements if that's what they want? They could do EOW with dad and then see him during the week for evenings/dinner as much as his schedule allows - they don't need to miss out on quality time with him.

In any case, if the matter went to court the court would probably give a lot of weight to what the children would prefer, given their ages.

@Chocolatebuttonns

I agree entirely. The kids are old enough to sort themselves out for an hour or two after school, and the guy's a doctor. He works hard and complies with the court and it's just not enough for some posters. He IS looking after his kids, he DOES pay his ex and nothing is good enough. Sheesh.

This!

But it's not the Mum. I don't know any Mum's in this situation? Why?

Because the Mums I know, have altered their jobs/roles/careers to meet the needs of their families.

They're not relying on an ex and new partner to facilitate their unpredictable working hours.

This man hasn't even put in a formal request for fixed shifts.

A couple of points.

Meet and marry a man with children then you will have to assimilate and deal with the ex-his kids-and his job. This works the other way round for women.
Court order contact is fine-however flexibility is needed, both DP and I have exes with work obligations that are outside of the routine 9-5.
Divorce isn't the end of a relationship when one has children with the other.
It's ongoing albeit sometimes mentally tiring trying to juggle life with the other person.

Just because you’re a doctor doesn’t give you a free pass to treat others like shit. It is a crap situation for the ex-wife to be beholden to an ex-partner for years.

His career doesn’t work with his family responsibilities, he either needs to give up on the 50:50 contact, pay for childcare on his days, request flexible working, find another job, or take a career break. There are lots of options that women choose to do day in day out. This situation doesn’t work for the ex, and she’s given it a fair go. It prevents her from being able to build any regular commitments on her childfree days. I’d say the fact that he isn’t prepared to find or work towards a solution is actually quite controlling.

I can’t believe how much the tone has changed since the OP said “he’s a doctor”. Doctors can be arseholes too…just like the rest of us.

This arrangement sounds like its for the ex wife's convenience. So she gets her child free days with free childcare because there's no parenting available.

Don't agree to it.

The parents have to parent themselves, or they can agree to arrange and pay for childcare.

Have they considered putting the kid in boarding school?

Agreed.

It's always the mum and indeed the new wives who have to fit their schedules around the ex/dh never vice versa. The level of entitlement that some men have is so tiresome.

Totally agree @Herdinggoats

This. If I were married to a shift worker and had to work around them, then if I divorced them I wouldn’t do that adjusting my life for them anymore. I’d think he has to be the one to make it work instead or cut down hours or change jobs like plenty of parents have to do for various parent related reasons. She shouldn’t say it’s your job but she can say she’s done with supporting his job and will be doing set contact.

This ‘knew he was a shift worker’ is absolute rubbish. A friend married a chef. He changed careers completely as the hours were so tough on family life. My brother in law was an emergency doctor like the ops partner. Hes had several medical jobs since and now supports the family working regular days like most people so he’s around evenings and weekends, this Dh does not get a pass because ooh he’s a doctor; that means instead that there are several well paid career paths at his feet, it just hasn’t occurred to him to take responsibility for being there for his children. That’s for the women to do.

Well the ex wife can go back to court then. But I believe the husband is not supposed to break court ordered custody arrangements, so until she goes back to court, the arrangements stand.

@Herdinggoats most of us have reason to be grateful to doctors for saving our lives or those of our family members, and especially to those in A&E for mending our kids' noses or setting their arms or sewing back on their fingers.

So he makes a contribution to society that it doesn't appear the ex-wife makes, over and above child rearing, which he seems to do his share of.

It's quite the leap from he trained and now works as an A&E doctor and therefore does shifts and was always going to carry on doing so (didn'tcarw when she married him, right?) to assuming he's "treating someone like shit" or being "an arsehole".

YANBU to not get involved. It's his issue to sort out with her.

YABU to not be able to sympathise with the situation she is in and why your DH is being unreasonable.

This arrangement is shit for pre-teens and for the mum. She has been accommodating for years and years. It's still all about him. He has women running around him prioritizing his career. I would HATE to not know what my April or July will look like and I think she has been accommodating for long enough. Her entire life is dictated by her ex husband's work schedule. She is not unreasonable to demand a more fixed arrangement. I'd tell the kids their dad is not willing to compromise on a more regular schedule and it's their choice when and if they want to go. He will find he will see his kids less and less and by the time they are adults they will have a minimal relationship.

I think you are being unreasonable to be honest. You married a man you knew had children. Therefore you knew you were becoming a stepmother. The contact order they had was probably written before you were married and therefore she didn’t have any choice however now you are a married couple and could make her life easier by agreeing to set days - something she will be requiring for childcare as no childminder or childcare facility that I am aware of allows people to chop and change their days monthly. You are refusing out of spite - you don’t see those children as your responsibility despite being their stepmother. You’re not a new girlfriend who may not be on the scene for long presumably you’re in it for the long run? So yeah I think you’re being very selfish and your step children deserve better.

Surely if he works nights, he’ll not be going out until they're in bed and would be back before they go to school? So could do drop off before he goes to bed? And you’d be home overnight sleeping?

I wonder if people would be saying the same if he wasn’t an a and e doctor, but another type of shift worker. Eg, factory worker. In many ways, his job is irrelevant here, and seems to be clouding people’s judgement.

Apologies, saw it’s nhs and earlier start time

I think you were brave to post on AIBU - this board and MN in general hate stepmothers. The narrative is always “but you knew he had children” or “DH is an arsehole” as long as he doesn’t do exactly what his ex wife wants. The situation is not ideal but it is what it is. There’s a court order and neither you nor DH have to do anything at all. She can ask and you can both say no. If the worst comes to the worst, reduce CM to the exact amount as per calculator and pay for childcare. As a matter of fact, you should be doing it regardless. She can’t have her cake and eat it too - the degree of entitlement there is astonishing. And no, I really don’t want an A&E doctor changing jobs because his 9-5 EX and MN would find it more fair. Finally, with soon 2 secondary age children I don’t even understand why it’s such a big deal - she won’t even need childcare as she works 9 to 5 unless she wants to do an overnight.