To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

I can’t believe you are so naive to this. If she is getting people mixed up and she think one person is in her house then realises it’s someone else, that’s the same as forgetting. It’s distressing.

When providing care we have to accept that and deal with each time, but it’s not ideal. It’s distressing for them and the people coming in. To be honest when I was caring for grandad the occasional visitors would disrupt everything and leave us with the fallout. And he didn’t get anything out of it. They did it so they could not feel guilty. Not for him.

You seem ridiculously naive. That just popping in is going to actually do anything.

you go back and forth about how bad she is. When your bil went into a care facility surely someone mentioned that his wife had dementia and someone arranged an assessment for her? Or are you suggesting he managed to get into a hospice with no one looking at the whole situation?

Are posters being particularly obtuse, still going on about DH taking on carers role. That isn’t what this OP is about. It’s about completely cutting contact

I wouldn't see my brother's wife again if he died tomorrow.

There really is a difference between not being able to organise or be involved in care and cutting someone off. It does sounds like your dh is very angry with your DSIL, which could all be part of grieving. But I am perturbed by some responses. I think there is still a lot of fear and stigma associated with dementia. I understand that symptoms of FTD in particular can be very unpleasant, even intolerable. But it is an illness with a physical cause, and no, people do not somehow bring it on themselves. It could happen to any of you or a loved one. I am not sure what the reaction would be if your SIL had a stroke or brain tumour. SS cannot force you to take on care. I am sure any contact you are able to have will be valuable. Don’t think of it as care or support, just keeping in touch, to whatever extent (just checking in now and then for example) with the bereaved spouse of your beloved BIL. She is still a person, and someone you were fond of.

Neither would I see mine but that’s different as she’s healthy and not vulnerable and has others around her. OP SIL has nobody

Very quick to rule yourself out due to your commitments despite being desperately sad and worried about your SIL and yet you castigate your husband, seriously?

As for who will, Social Services will have to and then your SIL will be provided with the care and support she needs by professionals.

She honestly has nobody else. Not a single other family member now her DH has gone

It's not one bit different.

I have no idea how many people my SIL has around her, I neither know nor care. I would never see her again if my brother died tomorrow.

I don't dislike her, but the only thing I have in common with her is my brother and if he was gone I'd have no reason to see her again.

I most certainly wouldn't be organising her nursing home or popping in to see her.

I'm sorry but I don't get all this sad hand wringing. It seems like everyone is "worried" and everyone is "sad" and yet noone has actually thought to take any action whatsoever to help- like ringing/emailing adult social care. What's the point of being so very sad for her if she's literally at risk at home right now?

What did you all actually discuss at this family meal because it seems like noone is doing anything at all except going on and on about how sad this all is and how angry they are at your DH. Honestly, you all need to get a fcking grip and stop sniping at each other and call social services for the love of God.

I’ve kept in touch with BIL’s ex wife and FIL’s ex wife (third marriage so not MIL) as I liked them as people.

I wouldn’t be a carer for them, but I didn’t drop them like a stone when their marriages broke down.

Now obviously this scenario is more complicated by illness but just to not care after knowing them for so long seems heartless (especially if they got on before the illness took hold). Not sure how you can blame someone with dementia for not being able to care for someone with terminal cancer so they couldn’t stay at home.

Yes! All of this.

@crumblingschools@Renamed
Nobody has assumed that the DH is going to take on the carers role anyway, in this thread.

But the SIL has dementia. Just have a think about what 'keeping in contact' means.
She's already getting people and times mixed up. Poked her husband awake in the middle of the night and got angry.

She won't get any benefit from a courtesy call to 'keep in touch', assuming she even picks up the phone or even remembers who the caller is. She might not understand what they're saying. In fact, she might even get more distressed.

The only way for her to get all the help she needs is sadly for everyone else to pull back. And as @curiousasacat stated, call social services.

Of course a closer relative might liaise with them and care homes etc but as PP pointed out that just leads to getting calls at all hours and responsibility dumped on them. OP's DH is well within his rights to not want any of that.

The OP has curiously kept quiet about the other people present at this mysterious family meal. I suspect that there ARE other family members, they just don't want to do anything either. But somehow OP decides to blame her husband on the internet. Poor man.

@psfiaqplffsa but no-one even appears to be contacting social services to say over to you, you need to do an assessment.

Not even the extremely sad and worried OP.

Exactly.
@crumblingschools why do you think the DH should be doing that? Instead of anybody else present at the 'family meeting'?

I suspect none of them realise just how badly her dementia has progressed. She has carers for 45 mins so they are assuming she has support and therefore all it needs is for DH to "pop in for coffee" for a chat and the SIL will then be happy for the rest of the day.

Unfortunately, thats not how dementia works. Moods can fluctuate wildly going from anger to tears to happiness to distress in a flash- especially in fontal lobe dementia where personality changes become marked and sadly unpleasant. OP has already said she is shouting, aggressive and rude to the carers so clearly just popping in for coffee isnt going to be some pleasant 30 minute job.

I had assumed social services were already involved as carers are coming in. Hope they are going to reassess as she is now alone, this is not necessarily information they will share, it sounds like no one has POA, but it is still open to family to report concerns if the assessment is not done. Of course I know nothing about the OP, the SIL, or the course of her disease. However, because someone gets angry during personal care does not necessarily mean they are always angry or that they might not enjoy a phone call or birthday card. Everyone is different.

Yeah this. Like I said in my post from yesterday, I was expected to take in an elderly great aunt (grandad's brother's wife,) when she needed around 3 months care after a major op, purely because I visited her once a month, and took her goodies and flowers etc, and took my DC to see her sometimes too. No-one else in the family bothered with her, not even my parents. Grandad's brother, my great uncle, died several years earlier.

I visited her in hospital 3 times a week for the 3-4 weeks she was there, despite living 30 miles away. Not long before she was due to be discharged, the staff nurse in the hospital told me she needs looking after when she leaves, and asked me for my details and phone number, and told me they would give me a ring when she was ready to be picked up. She had 2 adult sons, (15-ish years older than me,) with 3 bed homes, one was married one was single, no children between them.

But because I had been visiting her, and they were terribly busy MEN with very important jobs (as the nurse said after being told this by my great aunt,) and I am a woman, it was automatically assumed that I would do it. Despite having 2 children under 8, and a 3 day a week job, only 2 bedrooms, (for a family of 4!) and parents of my own who were borderline elderly at the time. When I said I cannot do it, and was very firm about it, the nurse looked disgusted.

I don't know what she said to my great aunt but she ghosted me afterwards, and put the phone down on me. She refused to speak to me. The 5th time I rang she answered and said 'do NOT call me again. I'm done with you.' And then she hung up. Her 2 saintly boys weren't ghosted though, even though they did fuck-all for her - ever, and didn't visit her in hospital for the 3-4 weeks she was there. (Despite being roughly the same distance away as me - 30-ish miles.)

ALSO, my eldest DC has a large 4 bed home with their partner, and their partner's gran (their dad's mum,) has been diagnosed with dementia. (in 2021.) She has got worse this past year, and doesn't know what day it is half the time. All three of her children - DC's partner's dad and aunt and uncle, are all saying they can't take her in. Too busy/no room etc... and they are expecting my DC and their partner to take her in. Because they have 3 spare bedrooms - and work from home half the week. And they have no children.

Her own fucking middle aged CHILDREN won't do it, so why should her 20-something grandchild (and partner) do it? My DC has made it clear to their partner that it's not happening. Their partner agrees fortunately. They are both busy, degree educated young professionals, with a very active social life and lots of friends and hobbies. They should not be expected to be the carer for this woman just because they have 3 extra bedrooms. (Well 2 really as one is their office. (They WFH 2-3 days a week/the other days in the office.)

As has been said, if you show the slightest bit of interest or care in people who have health issues, and pop to the shops for them/go grab their meds from Boots etc, you will be expected to be their full time carer. 'No good deed' and all that. I wish I hadn't bothered with my great aunt, because it looks like she was only looking for a free carer.

But you don't KNOW that. If you're not there day-to-day. You don't know what will upset them and what won't.
And, even if they 'enjoy' it in the moment. So what? They might rapidly forget.
Suggest you read other PP experiences.

The point here is the DH should not be blamed, or shamed, for not wanting to have any contact. Full stop. Again, if the OP feels so strongly nothing to stop her from sending a birthday card or calling., But apparently she 'works full time' so is too busy for that 🙄

I had assumed social services were already involved as carers are coming in

Not if you are privately funding. If you have over a certain amount of savings they will leave it to you or family arrange care yourself since you are self paying. Obv if you have noone they will help you but if the BIL had arranged privately paid care himself then she wont even be on SS records at all.

I think it would be harsh to cut her off totally but I wouldn’t be providing dementia care to her either. Also does he actually even like her, dementia aside?

The thing is though- not everyone is great friends with their in laws. I am not. I get on with my BIL ok- never had an argument with him, never any bad feeling or anything and yes, we have gone out and done social things together as a family and made superficial small talk just fine- no probs at all.

However, if my DH died, I would not keep in contact with him or make an effort to see him and I know he wouldnt with me either. It's not because we hate each other, we just don't have anything in common and it wouldnt be natural for us to meet for coffee socially just the two of us. We don't even do that now and everyone is alive so why would we do it after someone has died?

If people are super close to their in laws thats great but its not the same for everyone and you cant say that everyone should or would. If my DH died, I would turn to my close friends to talk about my feelings as they know me well, and we mutually support each other. It would never even occur to me to meet up with my BIL for a chat- he has his own friends and I have mine. There is nothing sinister or uncaring about it- we just arent that close is all. Heck, friendships wax and wane over the years and they are people you choose to have in your life so it doesnt follow that just because someone is related to you through marriage you are going to always be close.

So who is coordinating with SS and the care service?

When Bil went into a care facility all this would have been looked at. Or are you saying he went into yeh care facility and his wife’s illness from everyone who treated him and took care of him?

It doesn’t even make sense that no one has a clue what’s going on. Though that may answer part of the question as to why your husband is taking such a huge step back.

I have some experience of my own. I am utterly opposed to anyone being coerced to take on care of adult family members. It is quite possible that SS may try to make contact with family, even if they are not on the scene. They need to be prepared to say no, to any ongoing responsibility, care, shopping, online bills, everything- just say no one is in a position to take this on. Sounds like they are all agreed on that. Separate to that is the issue of whether anyone wants to have any contact with the SIL. The DH does not, others might. The fact that she has dementia does not mean people should just back away, if this is not what they would otherwise choose to do. There may come a point when she does not recognise people, there may not, FTD is a bit different in relation to memory. If it just upsets her and everyone else, sure, let it go. But it might not.

When Bil went into a care facility all this would have been looked at. Or are you saying he went into yeh care facility and his wife’s illness from everyone who treated him and took care of him?

Yes, this is very strange to me too- when someone goes into palliative care and their wife has dementia and therefore will be alone at home, it would have been taken into account by the professionals involved. Why was this not mentioned to anyone and why did they not get involved then- something very strange about this as this is not normal practice at all.