To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

Why can't you do whatever is needed since you're so keen for it to be done?What's stopping you stepping up?

It’s just a sad situation for her to be going through this, too young and bereaved also

I wondered about Wernicke Korsakoff syndrome too?

its FTD which is most common in 40s-60s. Also quite rare I think

You say this and then call your husband callous? How do you expect your husband to support her when her behaviour is at this level? Her only option would seem to be full time residential care, you personally can visit her there you know.

Why can't you step up and do whatever you think is needed since you think your husband is being so unreasonable?

But I didn’t expect him to provide full time care for her or anything like that, it was the cutting her out of the family completely that made me think. He doesn’t want to engage or sort any care for her. He just doesn’t want to see her again after the funeral

Which I understand isn’t his responsibility and that plans should have been made. But even to pop in and make her a coffee and see if she’s ok, nothing. But now I know how SS works so I’m glad I posted

I wouldn't see my SIL if my brother died tomorrow. I'm sure I'd never see her again. I certainly wouldn't be engaging or sorting any sort of care for her.

Also, she is aggressive and borderline violent and you think she should have been at a meal? Why?

I'll ask again. If you disagree with what your husband is doing, why don't you step up and do whatever you feel is necessary?

But I didn’t expect him to provide full time care for her or anything like that, it was the cutting her out of the family completely that made me think. He doesn’t want to engage or sort any care for her. He just doesn’t want to see her again after the funeral

Many people have explained how engaging or sorting any care for her quickly becomes untenable and takes over. You don't seem to be taking this in and instead focus on how sad it is. It is sad, of course. It's beyond sad that his brother has died and he's got that to deal with. It doesn't mean he has to also take on the bereaved and ill wife, which is what his brother seems to have expected. I think you need to get past the emotion of this and listen to PPs who have been through it and been very clear about how this plays out.

And this -

pop in and make her a coffee and see if she’s ok, nothing.

Again seems like you're not getting it. You've said yourself how she's behaving. This isn't popping in to check on someone with a broken bone. You'd pop in and guess what? She'd not be okay. And then what?

Because of how many people says how SS work. I have my own full time work and other commitments. Full time care isn’t something I can provide but I am worried about her well-being. I don’t think she can be safe at home. My DSIS in law is a lovely lady and it’s sad how this disease is effecting her, just so different to herself. I think she couldn’t accept how her husband of 40 years was unwell and there was a lot of denial there. She couldn’t accept seeing him there so unwell. I just feel sad at the situation. Both her and my DBIL had a healthy, active life before all this. Just feels so cruel they both got ill at the same time

Yes and that’s why I’m glad I posted here. Now I know how it will play out. Obviously before I didn’t realise that. And I know it’s more than popping in for a coffee. I know she needs more care and support than that, which I can’t provide personally. But I’m just thinking, who will?

So you expect your husband to do something you're not prepared to do?

But I didn’t expect him to provide full time care for her or anything like that, it was the cutting her out of the family completely that made me think. He doesn’t want to engage or sort any care for her. He just doesn’t want to see her again after the funeral

After what you have now told us regarding the circumstances of BIL's end of life you can't understand why your grieving husband feels that way?

You keep saying you don't expect your husband to provide full time care for his SIL but you studiously avoid saying what you expect he should do.

He is right not to get involved sorting care for her as several posters have pointed out repeatedly why.

Popping in for a coffee occasionally might even make her worse. People she can’t remember just turning up every so often can be really distressing.

I am guessing he is angry his brother had to be moved into a care facility. Angry that his brother talked a lot of about worrying about her. But not actually doing anything, apart from putting pressure on your husband to sort it. You are now worrying about her, but not doing anything.

Do either you bil or sil have a lifestyle that led to this? Dps dad was a big drinker. As was his step mum. He was very angry that the drinking led to his Dads death. Do was also then expected to step in and help his step mum and take care of her, when her health issues were all alcohol induced. He refused too.

Doesn't your husband work full time?

However your sister in law WAS - however lovely - it isn't how she is NOW.

No I didn’t expect care, just didn’t expect him to cut off someone vulnerable and bereaved who has known for 40 years and which has many good memories together

Also she’s not at the point of forgetting who people are just yet. But is getting lots of memories about people and times mixed up

Ah FLD- thats a vile, cruel illness. It's what Bruce Willis has.

I agree with @Pinkdelight3 you seem to be focusing so much on how sad and tragic it is (which it is, no doubt) that you are being completely blinded to the actual practicalities and reality of what her illness actually entails. This wont be an easy ride- she's already aggressive and shouty which is probably why your DH didnt want her coming to the meal - that was an appropriate decision in my view. Imagine if she started shouting/swearing in the restaurant- what exactly did you expect him to do in that circumstance?

You say you have full time work and other commitments but that also applies to your husband surely?- it's not going to be any easier for him to juggle his commitments simply because his brother used to be married to her is it?

Being sad is understandable but your sympathy isnt helping her one bit I'm afraid. You cant change what happened and you cant cure her illness. The most productive and helpful thing you can do for her is to contact social services as others have explained and tell them she has noone at all. They'll allocate her a social worker who will sort out her long term care. Do not tell them that you'll get her food in as otherwise they will expect YOU to be her main carer. You need to tell them she has NOONE.

There are a lot of emotions swirling here but I think your anger is completely misplaced. You should be angry with your BIL not your DH, as he was the one who should have sorted all this out before he died. He was her husband. He was the one who made vows to her. Frankly, I think its despicable that he didnt put any long term care in place and then left it right to the last minute to you and your DH to mop up the mess when by that point it was too late for him to do anything about it. I'd be furious with him if I was your DH.

No nothing at all. Both very active, didn’t smoke, rarely drank apart from specials occasions. They used to do long walks every weekend and cycle for miles

She's violent to the carers.

What would you do if your husband was on the receiving end of that and she reported him to the police? And there were no witnesses?

Doesn't your husband work full time?

Because of how many people says how SS work.

That doesn't stop you still seeing her if you wish.

Exactly this.