To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

100% this.

Even with carers coming she still needs constant supervision to make sure she's safe and to keep her from becoming distressed etc. Who has power of attorney for her now? Who's arranging payment of bills, managing the carers, medical appointments etc? Basically even if a care home is the best and most viable place for her, someone still needs to arrange this and sort out the house she's in now. No one is presumably saying she has to come and live with your DH or he has to visit her constantly. My DM had early onset Alzheimer's and I nursed her for years, my DMIL lives with us now and has vascular dementia. It's not an easy thing to live with and not everyone can cope with it or handle it.

Thanks everyone. Tbh it was more just to support her and make she’s ok, not full on care but I think to cut her off with no support isn’t fair when she’s very vulnerable and bereaved also. I didn’t realise that about pressure from SS

The way DH said it just seemed really cold to me, after knowing her and having a close relationship for so long. But your points make sense and I do realise there should have been plans put in place

And maybe that was what the late DBIL meant when he asked his brother to take care of the woman he'd shared his life with for nearly 40 years. I can't believe so many people are assuming that the only care option is OP taking her DSIL into her own home, or having DBIL move in with her.

What was being discussed at the family meal?

Would it have been awkward to have her there?

Does he never intend to see her again?

Not pop in for coffee & see how she is?

Nothing?

Is anyone really assuming that? The problem is she's obviously going to need far more than someone popping in but the more that family do, the more SS will wash their hands of the situation. It's a sad situation all round but the poor SIL sounds as though she needs full time care, or will do soon.

Hi Op

I think that your original post left so much out but I appreciate you may want to keep a level of privacy.

Yes, I do think you are exceptionally unreasonable to be disgusted by your husband's stance. And naive.

Take on board what other posters are saying.

The person you should be angry at is your deceased bil.

He failed to put provisions in place for his wife before he died.

Tbh it was more just to support her and make she’s ok, not full on care

But this is always how it starts. And once you’re doing that, you’ve a job on your hands to get anyone else involved when they inevitably deteriorate

But that's what SS will take advantage of, and once you start it just increases and increases.

Your BIL should have put plans in place for her.

I think the dh knows he is being pressured to do this and knows it’s not as simple as all the people, telling him he should do it, make out.

Op clearly has no clue what’s going to be involved.

I wonder if the dh has seen this pattern before

You need to go on your councils website and ring Adult Social Care. Ask them to raise a referral and explain she has no next of kin, she has dementia, her husband has just died and she needs proper care putting in place. Ask them to take charge of the situation. Make it clear there is no-one to provide the help she needs. They will be able to get her into residential care for her needs.

I never said taking into the home - I did care at a distance and it was awful. It started out as calling in once every few weeks as a kindness and before i knew it I was up and down that road every day or every other day and it was awful. The SS were putting pressure on me to take her in - that was their plan, that I was her NOK and i'd have to do more as there was no one else

What does this support and make sure she is ok look like to you? What are/were you expecting your husband to do?

But this is always how it starts. And once you’re doing that, you’ve a job on your hands to get anyone else involved when they inevitably deteriorate

This. Why arent people actually listening to those of us who have gone through it?! Do you think we are making this stuff up just for shits and giggles to slag off SS? we know it because we have lived though it and this is how it starts and where the pressure comes from.

There are multiple people in this thread relating different versions of the same story- if you start popping in, SS will expect you to take on more and more and more until you are completely overwhelmed by it and you're almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown- then it will make it 1000 times harder to get any support because they will assume you can do the extra. Listen to what people are saying because we cant all be exaggerating!

This is exactly what you need to do.

While there are family members stepping in, Adult Social Care will drag their heels. You need to make it clear that she has no support.

I don’t blame your DH and I’m sure his own grief is very raw. He should not be expected to take on this responsibility- Dementia is a wicked illness. I’m sure he is overwhelmed and the refusal to see her ever again is likely a knee jerk reaction.

The priority is getting her professional long term care. Your husband’s relationship with her can take a back seat until his own pain has died down.

I wonder if at some level OP's DH is angry with SIL? It's not unusual with grief.

I also think It's important to recognise just how complex early onset dementia is. And also that lifestyle factors are relevant. It's pure projection on my part, but BIL has also died young. OP - does your DH blame SIL at some level for the death of his brother and her own Illness? If so, his feelings may change once his grief is less acute.

I think possibly there is some kind of resentment/anger towards her there now yes

Also, when DBIL was still here and still living at home before the move to nursing home and then hospice, DSIL would apparently nudge and poke DBIL telling him to wake up in the middle of the night and getting quite angry at him. I understand this was her illness but it did lead him to go into the nursing home. And he deteriorated very quickly when he moved there. DBIL would have preferred him to stay at home but it just wasn’t possible

As he just wasn’t getting any rest at all and it was hard for the both of them

DBIL would have preferred who to stay at home?

This early onset dementia- was it caused by alcohol abuse, so korsakoffs syndrome?

Early onset dementia is not super common at age 50, of course it can happen but its quite rare.

sorry, that meant to say DH would have preferred DBIL to stay at home.

He was receiving palliative care at home but wasn’t getting any rest and my DSIL was feeling angry I think. DH found it hard to see him move into the nursing Home

Knowing all this you're still 'disgusted' with your husband and posting a thread about it on the Internet? It's strange, OP.

Yes but I’m glad I posted as now I know more about how SS are and the pressure they might put on. It just felt cold at the time for him to say he will never see her again after knowing her for so long and having a good relationship before they both became ill and her not having anyone else at all