To be disgusted at what my DH has said.

[Sweetcherrypiee]

My DH has very sadly just lost his DB after a long illness. His DBs wife has early onset dementia (mid 50s). They were together since they were 18 and my DH has known her since then.

Yesterday we went out for a meal to discuss things as a family. DH refused to have her there and his words were ‘she’s not my responsibility’. He has basically wiped his hands of her now his DB has passed away and has basically said after the funeral he won’t be there to support her going forward. I feel disgusted with his attitude towards her. They never had any issues or have argued. I know he is grieving but she has also just lost him and with having dementia needs extra support.

His DB would be so sad at this attitude also.

@cherrypieandcoffee Op did say they had a close relationship, so I would have assumed some concern not just dropping her like a stone. But like you and others have said, I don’t understand what was said when BIL had to leave his home and leave his wife alone in the house

When my uncle had a fall earlier this year I was asked who was looking after his partner as he'd said he cared for her. I told them she had her own family and they didn't question me any further to check it was true. Obviously if she hadn't had family I would have let them know so something could have been sorted out before anyone thinks I'd have left her to it!

Well yes the whole thing is strange isn't it?

Op's husband wants nothing more to do with his SIL but there seems to be no reason (perhaps I missed it).

Op seems t want to carry on seeing her SIL but is now worried about what SS my foist on her?

I think I've read so much & can't make head nor tail of it any more!

But this woman doesn’t have her own family.

So if they said that, they lied. Why would they?

In your case, why would they check? If the husband is the contact for SS and the carer and there was no one else, they would have been looking into it before he died.

If this woman had family, this situation would probably be different.

Agree cherrypieandcoffee and Itsonlymashadow something very off there. Was SIL just left when her husband went into the Nursing Home and then Hospice with carers coming in for 45 minutes a day?

That was the point at which something should have been done, professionals involved, etc. Who prevented this and why?

It is of course possible that BIL told the team that family members were looking after SIL...

And equally possible that his team may not have been fully aware of her difficulties. Although carers assessments are usual, I can see that they might not expect a 50 year old to need that support unless her issues are made clear to them.

There is almost certainly a lot we don't know here.

There’s definitely a lot missing.

But his team knew enough to know he couldn’t rest because of her advancing dementia. That was the reason he went into a care facility in the first place.

If he misled them about her care needs, I understand the dhs stance even more. But I very much doubt a man who was more worried about his wife than he was his own, imminent, death would have left her so vulnerable and so woefully unprepared.

But also, it’s not just about when he dies. Who was going to be the contact for the carers and SS when he became too ill to do it? My experience of hospices are that they look at the whole situation. Not just the person they are caring for and their immediate needs. What happened if a carer just didn’t turn up while he was in the care facility then hospice?

Either Op has kept well out and has no clue what’s been going or purposely leaving massive chunks of this story out. Seemingly to make her husband look worse.

When BIL died who dealt with everything to do with his death/funeral? who did hospice notify?

My point is the hospital asked and accepted the answer without question. If BIL has said that family were taking care of his wife they may have accepted it. Sadly people do fall through the cracks.

Yes I know. But if he said that, it was a lie.

No one in the family was looking after her.

It was that’s why the carers come in and SS asked wether DSIL would cope when he goes and they were told no. But so far no more care planned

OP, how about having a word with your SIL's social worker and finding out what's going on? Visit her every week or month, depending on how far away you live, in order to keep a. bit of an eye on her?

I'm trying to imagine a situation in which of my DBIL died I'd refuse to have any further contact with my DSIL, whom I've known for more then 20 years and it's unthinkable. We (my partner and I) have spent time staying with them both and been away with them: they have stayed here. The in-laws are part of my family and I'm pretty sure that if I announced I was never going to see them again my DP would have something to say about it.

So who arranged the carers and who were their contact?

OP ..you sound like a very caring lady..Your DH..sounds as though he's grieving badly. Iv read your posts and wondered if he blames her for putting his brother into care..which escalated his death.
Caring and taking responsibility for someone is difficult and extremely hard work.
If she has no one..no other family..who will make decisions for her..
It's very worrying.and I wish I could help.

Btw, for those who asked about the family meal and what was discussed, it was only me, DH, our two children who are late teens and it was just to have time together really. Our teens are sad that they’ve lost their uncle. And also to discuss arrangements for the funeral and things like that. I think yes it probably was right that DSIL wasn’t there but it just made me feel bad she had been left out of everything but I do understand why

You aren't really answering the questions about why you can't take on the care and why you're so disgusted with your DH.

It does not make sense that the hospice at the bear minimum would not have made sure that SS were aware of the situation with your SIL.

Why would you have had your sister-in-law who is as you have described her, at a family meal just for your immediate family?

This, you're making less and less sense with every passing post.
Also, your meal was to 'discuss things' as a family. Surely you all live together. You couldn't have just sat around the dining table? You needed to go out for dinner to discuss things related to the funeral.
That's why PP thought it was a much bigger affair with other people involved.

Anyway, I hope you've stopped haranguing your DH

Yeah this. It's weird to go out to dinner with your teenage kids to discuss things as a family. What the heck discussing is there that teenagers would be involved in?

And I think I mean bare minimum - sorry, brain fog.

That really doesn't make sense and isn't my experience from a hospice - I'm sorry that your BIL and SIL have had such poor experience from a hospice. I'd complain if I were you.

OP- thanks for explaining but it still leaves a few weird unexplained things:

1. why were you so upset she was left out of the "family meal" if it was literally only you, your DH and teen kids?- you made it sound like everyone and his dog was invited except your DSIL- thats exactly why people were getting angry on your behalf so this is a tad misleading isnt it? Also, if you were discussing funeral arrangements and SIL is confused and upset then surely it WAS better she didnt come?
2. If SS arranged the care then your DSIL should already have a social worker as a contact so I don't get why you keep asking who will look after her- SS will- they already are!! she is already on their books and they arranged the care. So, if you feel her care package now isnt enough for her you contact the SW who initially arranged it. Also, if SS arranged the care, then that means your BIL has done absolutely nothing whatsoever to care for his wife at all- he didnt do a single thing and yet you're bafflingly angry with your husband- I don't get why you are angry with him but not his deceased brother who has left everything to chance

I think you purposefully worded this so it misled people into thinking your DH was being unreasonable when he actually was not. Hence the first reactions you got. I wonder why you did this- are you not happy with him and looking for reasons or justifications to leave him?- it's all just....odd.

Would that be the case if he was just moved there in his last few days from the nursing home. Should they still have offered more support?

YABVU then about the family meal! Poor DH

The nursing professionals and other medical professionals involved in the move to the nursing home would have had a statutory duty to report a safeguarding concern.

None of this makes sense OP.

So he wasn't cutting her out at all. He was having a meal with his wife and kids and understandably not adding in his bereaved SIL who is confused/aggressive with moderate dementia. Even you now say you understand why, and you similarly seem to have grasped that it's SS who should be managing her care and that you have no capacity to do anything useful for SIL, so it's really all just empty words about feeling sad. I'm sure your DH feels sad too, and is grieving for his DB, but it all adds up to the same outcome that neither of you can do anything for SIL. He's just acknowledging the reality of that and doesn't have the wherewithal right now to pretend that popping in for a coffee is doable for him, or much if any help to her. It's nice that you care but as with your disgust, it's just a feeling you're having that he doesn't, and doesn't really add up to much when it touches reality.