To leave my job and become a SAHM? Stupid move ????

[Summerstarsarepink]

The nursery fees have risen . They now are or more than way my wages .

DH and I are constantly tired from Full time work and running around dropping off and collecting and then sorting dinner / running the house .

Children are 8 months and 19 months.
I feel exhausted. Plus I don’t enjoy my job.

Yes in the future we will be eligible for free funding but for the next year it is going to be very expensive.

I’m wondering if I should take the baby out of nursery ( 8 months) . Then Change my son from full Time to three mornings ( when he is 2 he will be eligible for some funding. Which will cover this )

Then - just have a few years with the children. Enjoy them. Enjoy being at home . Not run around like a blue arse fly constantly stressed from work .

I’ve always worried if I stop my career it will be a huge mistake but to be honest I’m just worried I’ll miss my children grow up and my career will always be there ! I say career - I am teacher and I hate it !!!!
I’d like to retrain but once the children are older I think I will be able to do this.

DH just wants me to be happy. Nursery costs more than my wage. AIBU to just take. Few years out and enjoy my children ?

Side note - I by no way think being a SAHM is easy !

Sadly on Mumsnet the anti-male rhetoric is strong and the idea of marriage being a mutually supportive partnership within which participants can perform different roles is inconceivable.

nope. We don't see many posts from people like me who are in an equal partnership (my DH took parental leave too).
We do see time after time after time (even in this thread) women who stop outside work to be a SAHM and then something happens and their lives are very very different to how they envisaged it. From sudden death or incapacity of partner, to partner skips off with OW and suddenly there are no mortgage or pension payments etc etc.

Women - everyone - must do their best to insure themselves against the worst case.

Best case: you have a great supportive partner, who you in turn support. Worst case: you're screwed. And everything in between.

Make sure you give your future finances some thought before quitting, particularly your pension as other posters have mentioned.

I dropped to 3 days after my first and have been doing it for 6 years and will probably do so for another 2 until my littlest is in school. We split household costs based on our salaries. But my pension has taken a massive hit, so I now pay a lot extra in to try balance it out.....so have even less cash available. Might not be so relevant if you're only thinking of taking a year off though.

Reducing hours has been worth it for me as I get plenty of time with the kids but keep finances and profession ticking over. I don't like my job either but find it much more manageable for 3 rather than 5 days.

I'm a primary school teacher and took 10 years out while my children were small (I have 2, 5 years apart). I've walked back into teaching with no problem at all. Currently part time and doing extra supply, but have had several offers of more work. I could definitely have gone full time if I wanted, but I don't. Teachers are leaving in droves, you'll always be able to get a job, and even having my long gap it wasn't too hard catching up with whatever new trends were in fashion... It's constantly changing.

I'm the first to admit my privilege in being able to do this, and perhaps I was lucky, but I loved being a SAHM. I made loads of new friends and kept really busy with groups (I ran my village playgroup). Good luck with whatever you decide.

Both DW and eldest DD did this for the cost reasons you mention (even back in the 90s).

Neither had a career. Both had "jobs" so losing "career progression" wasn't an issue.

In the long term, it financially benefited us (nursery and other fees increased faster than salaries and DW never went back to full-time work) and it seems to be working for DD and her DH.

If you aren't worried about your "career", go for it is my advice.

Is taking a couple of years out to look after very young children really going to affect her pension that much? If teachers pensions are that generous they’re still going to be better off than most.

I think if nursery costs are more than your wages then that is sensible. I took a 3 year gap because there were just 17 months between my DC and I got no help with nursery fees. Can you do tutoring in the evening to keep your hand in or earn extra?

If you hate it and never want to go back what would you do instead? Long term being out of work leaves you vulnerable financially both in terms of relationship breakdown and pension. For a few years though it is ok.

if by "nutters" you mean WOHM then you can pack it in. That is totally uncalled for and doesn't reflect most of the answers in the thread.

OP - you say that your DH is also knackered, which is why my suggestion is to look at the whole thing holistically. See where both of you might see improvements according to the path you choose.
But please do check on things like pensions. Also, i haven't been in the UK for ages - now does the NHS work for SAHMs? does the partner have to pay more, or is it just covered?

I haven'T seen anyone mention it so if you do decide to go SAHM make sure you claim what used to be Child Benefit - this means you get normal state pension credits for later on.

And your evidence for the NHS being "privatised" (whatever that might mean) is what, exactly?

I find Mumsnet really unbalanced on this issue OP...
You'll get people telling you that no, you need to carry on working even if you're losing money by doing so (!) because 'what if you lose your career, get screwed over financially and your husband leaves you and you end up homeless on the streets with no pension'?!
You'll equally get people saying that you should definitely be a SAHM as your kids "need you to be at home" and all women who work are selfish. Which is obviously bollucks.

I will try and offer a more balanced perspective!
Since having children I've done it every which way, from working full time and having a nanny AND nursery (cost of which basically covered my take home pay) right through to having a period where I was a SAHM. I've also done a compressed week, worked part time, and (now) self employed so very flexible.

What I would say is this -

1. I am a firm believer that the solution that makes YOU, the mum, happiest, calmest and most satisfied, is highly likely to be the most beneficial for your children. Happy mum, happy babies.
2. Of all the permutations I've done, being a SAHM was hardest, physically, mentally and financially. Some women love it. But for me it was hard - exhausting, sometimes quite thankless, hard on my self esteem, and it had an impact on my marriage. I felt more like a drudge than an equal partner and I didn't like that it was suddenly assumed I'd take care of everything including evening meals etc etc because I 'hadn't been working'! However, this is obviously not the case for all SAHMs - some women choose this and love it - it was probably because it was something that happened more by accident for me (because I found I just couldn't square the circle of paying for the childcare I needed for two children while staying in the job that had worked with me when I only had one.) But it sounds like you'd be doing it for similar reasons. So something to be aware of.
3. Equally, I found working full time with two children your ages very, very hard and also quite thankless financially. For me personally I found it easier than being a SAHM. But I did get to the point where it was unsustainable for the family and where my life was too unbalanced in favour of work (and that's why I went self employed but I appreciate this might not be an option for you - unless PP's suggestions of tutoring might work for you for a while?)
4. You've had kids really close together which means nursery costs will be painful for a while. But if you don't plan on having more, I think you'll be amazed how much better things get very quickly once your youngest is three and entitled to the 30 hours. That's not in a very long time, in the scheme of things. You also do a career it's not difficult to get back into and rebuild. So in your specific circumstances I think a career break would be fine if it's something you feel you want. It didn't do my career any long-term damage, I think it's very field/ industry specific.
5. Working part time three or four days is a really nice balance if you can manage it with kids. Keeps your hand in, keeps your self esteem and your life outside your kids which is important, but gives you that breathing space. Could you talk to the school about it? My DD1 has two class teachers because they both work part time and it works fine.

Hope helpful. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies.

1. I had forgotten both parents have to work for the funding at 2 years ! So that’s a great point.
2. I definitely will consider part time as it might give me best of both worlds. My work won’t offer this but I can look around
3. I need to get my head around pensions and really work out what this means and find out about topping up if I did finish work.
4. DH is really generous and his money is my money - I actually control the finances . When I met DH he had a little bit of money which we put down for our house and I always thought god I’d have ring fenced that if it was the other way around !
5. I clear £2000- nursery is about £2500 using the tax free scheme to help us.
6. We could just get by on one wage but I am definitely thinking about tutoring or supply to top up and earn a little if I did decide to pause work completely.

Thanks all for your feedback.

Honestly, I think it's a bad move. I think you would be better off to reduce your hours and work part-time.

There is more to work than just money. Not working has impacted on my MH. I lack self esteem. I miss interaction. I've lost confidence. I have stayed at home with my 2. They are very close in age (15-month age gap), and childcare was also more than my wage. They are now 3 and 5. I have been at home for 5 years. In that time , I paid no pension. I've also de-skilled. I have lost all confidence, and none of my qualifications are relevant anymore. In the meantime, DH has had more than 10k pay raises and paid into his pension every month. He regularly has training and development. We have the same degree. If I got a job the will offer me a starter salary and he will get the high end of the scale. Honestly, I'm not even sure I'm capable anymore.

@Summerstarsarepink on pensions, you need to make sure your NICs are topped up for any years you've been out of work, to ensure you'll qualify for state pension - you can check your NICs record here. It sounds like your DH would be more than on board to ensure you jointly do this and it's important for your future financial security
Check your National Insurance record - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Also good idea to keep him contributing into pensions for both of you over and above that. Can be tax efficient for you both to do this also.

Given your earnings and the cost of nursery I would seriously consider a childminder or even a part time nanny until you get more funded hours- I'm a big fan of nursery but it is rarely the most cost effective option if you have two young pre-schoolers close in age.

Good luck!

If you don't even want to be a teacher any more then why not quit. I'd be trying to do some part time or online study for the retraining though while at home. Can you afford it? If so then do it. My mum quit teaching to be a SAHM to me until secondary. It was wonderful to have so much time with her. My dad had a high paid job so I guess that's why it was possible. I felt lucky to have that though. She went back as an FE tutor and worked in that for another 25 years.

If you want to, do it. You have a job that you can go back to. Your finances will be the same whether you work/ not. You are not enjoying work / stress at the moment.

Make sure you are getting your national insurance credits (Child Benefit in your name) to safeguard your state pension. And be happy.

Just to flag, you automatically get NICs if you claim Child Benefit (even if you do not claim the payments due to concerns about HICBC). If OP ensures child benefit is in her name, she will safeguard her state pension without having to pay additional money.

I'd agree with that in your circumstances.

I'd be running on empty with a full time job, an 8mo and a 19mo - very small age gap here, it's tough! If I wasn't earning much above childcare fees which are nuts at the moment, I would be really resentful.

Keep on doing some tutoring, go back in 12-18months with a full CV saying you still did tutoring to work around very young family, you're returning after that when it's more settled and kids are bigger.

Btw, I'm sorry the nursery fees are so high, I feel your pain and I understand it's a big factor for you. I really hate seeing women leave work because of finances BUT in your case if it's temporary and your kids are so young, I understand it's also the exhaustion of it all right now. If it feels right for you, do it.

It’s a no brainier if the fees are more than you’re earning.

It's not that simple. People need to look at the long term impact of stopping working.

Stupid move. It's not easy to just go back after several years off. What happens if you split up (it happens).

how do you divide the labour at home. Do you do more than DH? If so, he should help out more or get a cleaner or so but I would not leave work.

how is that a no brainer? Only someine lacking brain can come out with such nonsense? OP might struggle to return, will lose out on career development, pension contributions plus be fully financially independent on another person. Who in their right mind would chose that when there are other options?

People are very quick to jump and say do it but it can be really tough getting back into the job market and at what point do you do that? It isn't just your wage that pays for child care and many women fall in the trap or thinking this way. You need a plan for your pension, what would be expected of you as a sahp, a career plan of when/if you go back to work etc

This advice really does not apply to a teacher.

What other options? Its a few years, to enjoy her children . The OP has already said she would like to retrain anyway. You never get those years back with your children! I have a perfectly functioning brain thank you despite staying at home with my children and shock horror being financially dependent on my husband! 😂.

oh yes, 'the years with the children'. forgot! 😂