To leave my job and become a SAHM? Stupid move ????

[Summerstarsarepink]

The nursery fees have risen . They now are or more than way my wages .

DH and I are constantly tired from Full time work and running around dropping off and collecting and then sorting dinner / running the house .

Children are 8 months and 19 months.
I feel exhausted. Plus I don’t enjoy my job.

Yes in the future we will be eligible for free funding but for the next year it is going to be very expensive.

I’m wondering if I should take the baby out of nursery ( 8 months) . Then Change my son from full Time to three mornings ( when he is 2 he will be eligible for some funding. Which will cover this )

Then - just have a few years with the children. Enjoy them. Enjoy being at home . Not run around like a blue arse fly constantly stressed from work .

I’ve always worried if I stop my career it will be a huge mistake but to be honest I’m just worried I’ll miss my children grow up and my career will always be there ! I say career - I am teacher and I hate it !!!!
I’d like to retrain but once the children are older I think I will be able to do this.

DH just wants me to be happy. Nursery costs more than my wage. AIBU to just take. Few years out and enjoy my children ?

Side note - I by no way think being a SAHM is easy !

This.

Most of the time I'd say no to this question.

But such a smalll age gap & pretty much guaranteed to get a job back on same level ? Yeah I'd do it for a couple of years and you could probably retrain at the same time if you wanted.

I was a teacher and did this (now an EP)
A couple of things to be aware of...
If you are near the top of the pay scale and don't have responsibilities over and above class teacher, it can be hard to get back into a perm role because you are expensive.

If you are not on a teaching role and the pension scheme changes for the worse then the years built up on the old T&C remain but any future years on the new T&C (this happened to me, the scheme changed from final to career average salary in the 18 months I was out and so most of my working life will now be in a lesser pension scheme).

Possible solutions...
Very part time PPA role
Ask for a job share ( in my experience there would always be someone really glad of a job share role)

These are both ways you would stay an active member of the pensions scheme and when the time comes usually easier to increase your hours.

People are mentioning your husband paying into the pension, but I'm not sure you can continue to be an active member of the teacher's pension scheme if you are not employed as a teacher, at best it would go to AVCs which are defined contribution rather than defined benefit).

You see roles for as little as 2 days pw, if you are used to fill time this would feel amazing in comparison.

I know how gruelling teaching with littlies is though, so you absolutely have to factor your health in too.

Also, you shouldn't just be thinking about the childcare fees in relation to your salary, I'm sure your husband isn't thinking of giving up work and jeopardising his pension etc. Could he explore condensed hours/ dropping a day etc alongside you dropping some hours?

At least it's nearly Easter 😊

this is a very individual choice based on your personalities and circumstances, but what I am reading in your original post is a case full of reasons why you feel that you should take some time to be full time mum, whilst you care for your very young children and figure out your next steps. Your detail and reasons are all indicative of where you want seem to want to go, but perhaps you are (understandably) nervous and wavering and want some reassurance/ validation / encouragement.

In short, it seems to me that you know what you want to do. Execute, breathe, move forth. Good luck.

Such a personal choice ! I think it would scare me too much to not be financially independent. Does it have to be all or nothing ? I know teaching can’t be part time very often but could you do something different just to have a bit of your own income but still entitled to the eligible childcare

But what is different about this situation is that the OP has full visibility and control over the finances (the family money)

The trouble with this is of course that it's only 'family money' until DH allows it to be family money.

OP, you have considered the effect on your family income of the two scenarios (you working, vs you not working). Yoive also said you'll look into the pension situation, which I think is sesible . In your shoes of want to have a definite plan ofhow long you would leave work so that you'd know the effect on pension.

Things that if recommend you discuss:

How the domestic load will change. I assume as the SAHP you'll be taking on a greater weighting of household tasks. The split needs to be fair though - decide exactly who would do what and agree to review after a couple of months.

Have a good think about nursery/preschool. Will you want them to go at all for the variety of experience? If so, at what age and what will that cost you?

If you are looking to return to teaching after a break, when would you plan to do so? How easy it is depends on your subject/age/area. I had 3 years out (not related to children) and found a lovely post afterwards and stayed there ten years.

What might you like to do to keep your hand in? I did tutoring in my gap. I was in London so could get enough custom during the day to not have to do weekends. But a Saturday night suit you if you just wanted an hour or two while DH has some time with the kids. I have also been part time for the last 6 years. Honestly I dont think I'm going to want to do more than 4 days while I've still got school aged children. 3 days was the best balance for me with small ones at home, I've done 2 days but I felt quite out of the loop and couldn't do any promotions. 3 days I was still able to be a PGCE/NQT mentor and ivevdone other roles since with an eye to career progression oncethe children are all school age.

There's a lot of discussion here about SAHM/WOHM in a very general sense. Lots of experience from both sides. Realistically what works for people depends on their families, financial situation and personality. My eldest was such an easy 3yo. I loved my days with her. My twins.... well, I love them to bits but they are full on so yes I do consider work a bit of a break! And my brain probably does atrophy a bit when I'm with them - I used to sit and read next to my eldest, but these two I spend my day monitoring quite dull play to make sure nobody bites. You know YOUR children. It doessnt matter how others found that situation really, you have done summer holidays with them so you probably know exactly what it would be like and if you'd enjoy it.

I think about this frequently.
One thing you have to say about men and its that they are very objective and pragmatic and do not take any risks. They love their kids but they don't take any bullshit. They wouldn't lose their independence for the illusion of enjoying a few/ many years while being maintained.

Why women fall for this is beyond me. I think a reality check of what can happen to you in adulthood should be part of the curriculum at secondary school level.

While it ends horribly for some women many if not most who chose to be a SAHM are very happy with their choices.

Not exactly 'back of a fag packet' given that OP said she takes home £2k per month and DH earns double.

It's simple enough to work it out the gross pay (making an assumption for pension contributions) with the various online tax and take-home pay calculators, and see the point at which CB would be gained back.

Of course it's employer dependent but the point is it's another option that doesn't involve one person taking all the responsibility for earning and another leaving their career entirely.

*I was a teacher and did this (now an EP)
A couple of things to be aware of...
If you are near the top of the pay scale and don't have responsibilities over and above class teacher, it can be hard to get back into a perm role because you are expensive.

If you are not on a teaching role and the pension scheme changes for the worse then the years built up on the old T&C remain but any future years on the new T&C (this happened to me, the scheme changed from final to career average salary in the 18 months I was out and so most of my working life will now be in a lesser pension scheme)*

this. It is very hard to get back in at anywhere others than entry level, as it’s cheaper to employ a new grad. That was my issue- I had decent seniority, but those jobs weren’t open to me as a returner, and I was competing against entry level with entry level salary for anything else.

my industry also has gone from final salary, to career average, to contributions based. My peers with no career break are now facing retirement at 55 with a final salary pension, while I’m looking at another 10 to 15 years before my pension is decent enough to retire.

You do what is right for you!

what do you do? I do a sense you’re a teach, in which case you can come back to this or go part time.

If you read the posts she says she's got twins

Maybe you should learn to read before making that comment. They are not twins. That is another poster. OP's children are 8 months and 19 months.

Definitely do it!!! Or at least go part time or take a year of unpaid leave. They are only little once, you are exhausted, and you don't even like your job. Teaching should be quite easy to get back into after a couple of years out, even if you don't like it now you might feel differently in a couple of years. Or you could retrain like you said. Don't forget to double check about the rules about free nursery funding for 2 and 3 year olds - I think both parents have to be working. But hopefully there are other toddler groups in your area, some free. Best of luck!!

Do it. You'll not regret it. Time is precious and your kids are only small once. It will make sure a difference to them both.

I regretted it due to impact on my self esteem and mental health; I felt like I'd lost part of my identity even though I'd never felt I was defined by my career.

DH suffered under the pressure of being sole provider.

I went back to work after maternity +3 years SAH and I had to fight for years to get back to anywhere near where I'd left off. I'd say it knocked me back at least 7+ years and cost me future promotions and a lot of pension growth.

DS is 27 now and when talking at Christmas about childhood memories, he barely recalls the time we had at home together, other than a couple of totally random snippets.

I agree, HorsesDuvets, it's not the right decision for everyone.

I didn't do it myself and went back to work after 5 months maternity leave but my kids had their father instead who took the leave.

It was right for our circumstances. It made an enormous difference to our kids lives and their emotional readiness for school too so if you can afford to take the time out of work for that long and can adjust then it's a good decision.

Yes, I'm sure it's great for some people and brings them, and/or DC, benefits.

Just pointing out it's not for everyone.

(Probably doesn't need pointing out really!)

I did it/am still doing it. I ended up taking a PT job because something came up which was interesting and it's SO flexible that it works around naptimes etc. It's a lot, but means I'm home with the kids when I'm needed which is nice. DS is in school now and I see him so much less already, makes me really glad to have the opportunities I did to spend time with him for the years before school. But I worry about how much I haven't paid into a pension, getting back on the career ladder, how to fit everything in (pick ups and drop offs etc) if/when I do go back to work properly. I think it's just part of having a fork in the road, there'll always be pros and cons.

But I worry about how much I haven't paid into a pension

And that can't be underestimated in making the decision to SAH or not.

I recently worked out just the 3 extra years I took off has cost at least £200,000 of pension with the few years of lost contributions and missed compound growth over 27/28 years. Not even thinking about the extra pension I'd have earned if my career hadn't suffered - you could probably add another £100k+ to that.

These are all things to be aware of when making the SAH decision.

Absolutely don't be solely steered by things like pensions, but don't be blind to it either. It all seems miles away when you've got babies but with life expectancy and the many years of healthy old age you might get these days, it's got to be a consideration. A few years at home now might have a big impact on decades of your life, and on your ability to help DC financially later.