To leave my job and become a SAHM? Stupid move ????

[Summerstarsarepink]

The nursery fees have risen . They now are or more than way my wages .

DH and I are constantly tired from Full time work and running around dropping off and collecting and then sorting dinner / running the house .

Children are 8 months and 19 months.
I feel exhausted. Plus I don’t enjoy my job.

Yes in the future we will be eligible for free funding but for the next year it is going to be very expensive.

I’m wondering if I should take the baby out of nursery ( 8 months) . Then Change my son from full Time to three mornings ( when he is 2 he will be eligible for some funding. Which will cover this )

Then - just have a few years with the children. Enjoy them. Enjoy being at home . Not run around like a blue arse fly constantly stressed from work .

I’ve always worried if I stop my career it will be a huge mistake but to be honest I’m just worried I’ll miss my children grow up and my career will always be there ! I say career - I am teacher and I hate it !!!!
I’d like to retrain but once the children are older I think I will be able to do this.

DH just wants me to be happy. Nursery costs more than my wage. AIBU to just take. Few years out and enjoy my children ?

Side note - I by no way think being a SAHM is easy !

You won’t get two year funding if you’re both not working. It’s also funded, not free - for lots of nurseries, the consumable fees and changes to day rates etc mean you don’t make much of a saving. We seem to have done quite well, and will save 35% of our usual nursery bill, but DS only goes two days a week. I’d be sure what you’ll get in terms of funding, to make sure it’ll be possible to go back.

At the moment, 15 hours is universal at 3 so you’d get that even if you don’t work; although Martin Lewis has announced that he’s in talks about making the £100k income a household limit. Presumably he’ll push for that to be doubled but if it’s not, it may affect some families.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea to give up if you can afford it and you want to, but I think you’d need to be realistic about if/when you’d be able to go back, and make a longer term plan for pension contributions etc.

Your sentence about nursery fees is a bit garbled,OP. Do we take it that fees are pretty much what you are earning? In that case, why would you put yourself through the stress of a full time teaching job, being away from your very young children and geeling exhausted all the time? It will seem a huge decision but imagine the relief on a Monday morning when you don’t have to rush your babies to nursery.. honestly, it’s a no brainer!
Sadly on Mumsnet the anti-male rhetoric is strong and the idea of marriage being a mutually supportive partnership within which participants can perform different roles is inconceivable.

I gave up work to be a SAHM and normally advise against it. As you're a teacher or shouldn't be too hard to get back in though if you need to.

Reasons against:
Decimation of career
Subsumption of self into home and family
Lack of respect from everyone in the whole world
Boredom

Reasons for:
-The relationship between me and my kids is I believe much much better than if I hadn't been a SAHM and now they are teens I am reaping the practical benefits of this (not to mention the emotional ones all round)
-I think I have them a good educational start and presumably as a teacher you would too

Oh do it - just do it! Life is too short to be running around like a blue-arsed fly for no financial gain when you do not have to! Enjoy those lovely children for a while - it is time with them that you cannot get back.

Teaching will not go away - you will be able to go back - assuming you might want to. Teaching skills can be used in lots of settings and this break might give you time to think how you might use those skills, as well as giving you time to enjoy your children.

If he earns twice what you do then is it an issue (from a financial perspective) that the equivalent of your take home pay goes on childcare at the point in your life when childcare will be the most expensive?

Presumably you can have the children in nursery term time only - so still get to spend a good chunk of time with them?

I was made redundant when our kids were rising 2 and 4. I was on a reasonable salary but was losing money with the nursery fees, and we had to move for DH's job so my commuting costs would have risen substantially. It worked out very well. One DC was much happier not being in nursery for long days, the other one less so! I planned to go back when the youngest started school but in the end waited until they started secondary and changed career. I've now taught for 8 years and am about to quit as I'm so miserable! DH earns much more than I would ever have done and has a good pension so finances aren't a concern for me.

Subsumption of self into home and family - what the heck! What a negative way to regard the important role of bringing up your children! It is something to be proud of.

Who is this "self" that is so fragile it has to be out earning money and getting pats on the back from colleagues in order to exist? You are still yourself when you are working to make a happy home.

Sorry - but I think you have somewhat distorted values and a weak sense of your own worth.

And your pension? How’s that?

I don’t find it strange at all! If the household is all the poorer for OP being at work, (especially in a job she dislikes and find stressful) it seems like a no brainer for her to take some time at home with her children. It would be different if it was a career that it would be virtually impossible to get back into, but teaching is not that sort of career!

I'm sure enough of my own self worth to say that was a fucking rude comment. How dare you? I was trying to give the benefit of my experience as a SAHM to the OP who is considering doing what I did. I am sure she can work out what her feelings are about herself.

Self actualization has nothing to do with pats on the back from colleagues. You may think that women should be able to achieve it by doing childcare and housework, but I certainly don't think that.

If your DH earns twice as mich as you then surely he should be contributing twice as much as you to all household costs, including nursery fees?

I agree.
Also ‘decimation of career’ really does not apply in teaching. I and many if my teacher friends/colleagues took several years out with children and on return resumed career progression if they wanted to. Many promotions in education come with greater demands but little increase in salary.

I’m a teacher and pondering exactly the same as my maternity leave with first baby is coming to an end.

I think the state of education at the moment and the growing recruitment crisis I think we’d easily step back in to jobs. I’m a deputy head so think I might need to work back up to that.

go for it, I say! If you hate it you can just go back to work!

Still means that the household's disposable income is less than if OP gives up work.

If everything you earn is being used to pay nursery fees, you don’t like your job and you feel burnt out and exhausted then I think it makes sense to be a SAHM for a bit. It doesn’t have to be forever, even a year would give you time to breathe a bit. Or as others have suggested is going part time for a while an option? I was a SAHM while my children were little, they are now teenagers and I never regretted having that time with them and looking back it went so quickly. Do what is right for you and your family, there are pros and cons for both, everyone on here will have a different opinion based on their own circumstances but if I was truly miserable, all my money was going on nursery fees and exhausted I would at least take a break or reduce days worked if possible.

Ah so OPs career is expendable because it’s less well paid. No wonder women are buggered.

Do you actively want to be a SAHM or do you just hate your job?

If it's the former, go for it especially as you could fairly easily restart your career.

If it's the latter, I would look more at taking a break and thinking about other options

Not read all replies but just wanted to say I packed in my (very stressful) social work job when dcs were 3 and 1. I thoroughly enjoyed a few years with them at home. It made me so much happier, and it was great to have all that pressure fall away from the family.
I appreciate it made me financially more vulnerable but on the other hand, I truly believe it also helped our marriage as we had more time to enjoy each others company.
When both dcs were in school, I found it quite easy to get another job again. Surely as a teacher you’ll be fine to take a few years out.
So I’d say, go for it!

This is daft. Go do a job you hate, to make the household worse off because equality.

Its not even a career that will be lost - its an easy to return to one (in general).

I'd feel differently if it was a totally different career that she enjoyed!

Lots of my fruends were on mat leave for a whole year anyway, then took annual leave. So had what sounds like 5 or 6 months longer off than op anyway.

If you might want/ need to get back into work absolutely do not do it.

I regularly conduct interviews where incredibly well qualified people (normally women), with brilliant early career experience get turned down because they can’t pass the exercises (think critical/ lateral thinking and competence based questions), partly because they lose their confidence but also simply because they’ve not used their brains in that way for some time. It’s a real issue. Think of the next few years as a loss leader, by all means reduce your hours, maybe even take a sabatical. But if you take 5/10 years out you’ll be likely to find it difficult to get back into the workplace and earn what your current peers do (unless you have a complete change of direction etc)

You will never regret having more time with your children. Ever. Absolutely do it. Life is for living.

I'd do it.

I was a SAHM for 10 years and had no career behind me that I could walk back into. But I knew I was employable and now have a job that still fits round my kids, even tho one is in college and one in high school.

I have no idea how both parents work FT with kids, unless they absolutely HAVE to to keep a roof over their head. The stress must be unbelievable. I wouldn't put myself and family through it unless I had no other choice.

So you have just been on 2 maternity leaves and don’t want to go back?

Have you been back at all?

I have 4 DC some close in age and went back full time because it was easier than looking after young kids even though I did 12 hours a day at work.

In your position, I would try and go back part time so you get a break at work. I know teaching is stressful but it can be good to have an identity outside the home and it helps with career progression. I definitely spent more on childcare than I earned for a while but for me, it was worth it.

As ever, this has descended into SAHM v WOHM.

OP, if you want to do it and can afford it then it’s not unreasonable. If it’s simply a question of finances you need to add in pension contributions and lack of advancement in your career (it’s not only todays salary you’re losing but you’re also delaying gaining a larger salary). Dependence on your husband. Risks (albeit small) about getting back in.

None of that is to say you shouldn’t do it- it’s a perfectly valid choice and one lots of people make and don’t regret (including me). But it’s not as simple as salary v nursery fees.

I think different people find different things stressful is all.

I don't find working with young children as stressful as I would find being a SAHM - but I really love my job, we have enough money to outsource things, and we have chosen to live in an area with plentiful childcare. I totally understand that some people do find working more stressful