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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Slept with a friend. Now I've got the massive ick. Help!

275 replies

cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 06:26

Slept with my long-time male best friend.

Got the ick massively after sex.

Now he's messaging me incessantly, even after I told him I was too busy to chat (which is true). He's always been needy but I've been able to brush it off.

Now every time he texts me (about 1000 times a day whether I reply or not)....I basically want to hurl my phone into the sea.

Wth do I do??? If he was just a random person I'd be able to tell him I was no longer interested, but this guy is (was???) my friend and I know my coldness is hurtful.

OP posts:
Nettie1964 · 15/03/2024 13:39

He wasn't your friend he had a crush on you. Now you have skept with him he thinks he's in with a chance for a realationship! When someone starts talking about songs that remind them of you it's serious. He sounds v needy try to be firm but gentle. Hope he doesn't turn into a stalker!!!!

pictoosh · 15/03/2024 13:39

Why did you shag him?

HungerPangs · 15/03/2024 13:41

Haven’t RTFT but do you even want to be friends with this guy? He sounds annoying with poor boundaries.

Spywoman · 15/03/2024 13:42

moonfacer · 15/03/2024 10:01

No, 'the ick' does not imply he's a very decent guy.

If you don't understand the terminology, google it.

It was clear he was unreasonable from the OP, we didn't need the updates to confirm it.

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I agree.

I was getting creepy vibes from the OP's first post.

It's scary that other people weren't and were even blathering on about being kind (paraphrasing but that's the message).

I can't stand it when women (presumably) tell other women to ignore their instincts and put a guy's feelz first.

Anyone who messages you incessantly when you've asked them not to is boundary crossing and unreasonable at the very least and possibly intimidating.

Spywoman · 15/03/2024 13:47

EveryDayIsASchoolDayOnMN · 15/03/2024 12:50

Yes, think of the other women you will save from having to go through that ordeal.

Sadly it took the Barbie movie for men to realise that 99% of us DO NOT want to be sung to with a stupid guitar. We have put up with that embarrassment for YEARS, thinking we were the only ones who hated it, and having to sit there with a "how long before this is over" pained expression on our faces. At least it made having a smear test more bearable though, and more enjoyable in comparison.

This is our next fight ladies!!! Gird up your loins, pick up that battle flag and don't let this dreadfulness carry on, I beg you!!!

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Oh dear god yes. The dreaded guitar serenade.

Or keyboard.

Or any kind of musical interlude/poetry/story telling. Just please don't.

Despair1 · 15/03/2024 13:49

You need to do the decent thing and respond to his texts. Then arrange a conversation where you make it clear that you are not in a relationship, nor do you want to be. He will be hurt but you need to be honest.
It is reasonable that this guy now thinks that you want to get involved with him emotionally. I my view, having sex with someone signals emotional investment so you have to understand that he is likely to be thinking that. I am aware that there are people who have sex for the sake of sex and that is fine, as long as both are thinking the same. I also think that your friendship with this guy is likely to be over

KimberleyClark · 15/03/2024 13:55

I agree that this guy has always wanted a romantic relationship with you. And probably imagined when the sex happened that you wanted it too. How did you never realise he was interested in you that way?

nightmareXmas · 15/03/2024 13:57

To those who can't believe that the OP couldn't have known that a close friend was interested in her in this way, it isn't always obvious. I have been in this situation more than once and was shocked when I found out, even though it was obvious to mutual friends. Not all of us are good at reading the signals.

Ginnnny · 15/03/2024 14:04

You need to tell him. He doesn't know you've got the ick, he might be secretly in love with you and wanted this to happen for years! That's how me and DP got together actually haha

TempleOfBloom · 15/03/2024 14:19

"Ickman - I need to be honest, we've been friends for a long time. I am really sorry if you are seeing things differently but from my pov the other night was a mistake and shouldn't have happened. Us having been longstanding friends, and all. Please stop messaging me now - I am finding it overwhelming and for me it is compounding that it was a mistake. I don't want things to get worse and would prefer to revert to simple friends - but I need some time and space. Take care X"

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 15/03/2024 14:19

You can't fix this. No matter what you say, the facts are that you slept together and then you didn't want to do it again, or be a couple. That's got to sting on his side. Also, he's being creepy and stalkery and ignoring your boundaries. It's not in your interest to remain friends, and it's not in his either.

TempleOfBloom · 15/03/2024 14:20

And if he messages again after that - block him.

Lawzy24 · 15/03/2024 14:25

Just be honest...Tell him you have a lot going on and the multiple texts need to stop... No sex and No text lol x

Throwaway841 · 15/03/2024 14:40

cherylbarket · 15/03/2024 07:18

I am so so so very far from my 20s (although I realise the way I'd phrased my first post sounded that way).

I teach teenagers so sometimes I naturally pick up the way they talk.

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So this is why we have so many adults unable to take responsibility for their actions and needing to look to others for basic advice as they don't understand how to hold themselves accountable and do the bloody obvious?

LlynTegid · 15/03/2024 14:47

The apology must be such that any repeat of the neediness ends the friendship.

FunnyFinch · 15/03/2024 15:06

you posted before

you were going to cut off the friendship because he was still with his girlfriend

Wesel85 · 15/03/2024 15:24

I have to ask the obvious question of why you slept with him in the first place.
But I agree with others that honesty is the best thing to do although it will change your relationship with this person or possibly end the friendship you currently have.

Smiffy1912 · 15/03/2024 15:39

Can't believe it freinds for ages you slept with each other he clearly likes you and you seem annoyed by him .you have to be honest with him but be prepared because its gunna hurt him more than you by the sounds of it

TempleOfBloom · 15/03/2024 15:40

Wesel85 · 15/03/2024 15:24

I have to ask the obvious question of why you slept with him in the first place.
But I agree with others that honesty is the best thing to do although it will change your relationship with this person or possibly end the friendship you currently have.

You didn't have to ask - but FYI the OP did answer: RTFT.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/03/2024 15:44

You're not much of a friend. This reads as if you're revelling in situation of him chasing you. The 'friendship' is over. Anyway you've had good advice on here so hopefully you'll take it.

FunnyFinch · 15/03/2024 15:44

Wesel85 · 15/03/2024 15:24

I have to ask the obvious question of why you slept with him in the first place.
But I agree with others that honesty is the best thing to do although it will change your relationship with this person or possibly end the friendship you currently have.

you really didn’t “have” to ask the “obvious question”

FunnyFinch · 15/03/2024 15:46

It’s a classic mumsnet “friendship”

when at least one party in the “friendship”. doesn’t actually seem to remotely like the other

maudelovesharold · 15/03/2024 15:54

However, the neediness is a deal-breaker for me.

Do you think his neediness would eventually have been a deal-breaker for the friendship, even if you hadn't had sex?

Crazykefir · 15/03/2024 16:15

Sounds gross OP.
Not read all the responses but this guy has probably always fancied you and been looking for a way in for ages. Therefore it was never an honest friendship on his side.
He's harassing you. Id give him a final warning, then block him.

CrashyTime · 15/03/2024 16:23

Spywoman · 15/03/2024 13:42

I agree.

I was getting creepy vibes from the OP's first post.

It's scary that other people weren't and were even blathering on about being kind (paraphrasing but that's the message).

I can't stand it when women (presumably) tell other women to ignore their instincts and put a guy's feelz first.

Anyone who messages you incessantly when you've asked them not to is boundary crossing and unreasonable at the very least and possibly intimidating.

Show quote history

"Anyone who messages you incessantly when you've asked them not to is boundary crossing and unreasonable at the very least and possibly intimidating."

That"s right, and Rule Number One is - You DON"T sleep with them! The OP should have had stronger boundaries up much earlier, they teach teenagers FFS, how do they manage to have boundaries there, or is at at a posh school where the threat of losing allowances makes them all compliant or something? OP you need to tell this guy that you are having a long break from each other and it isn"t a request, just make sure you don"t go running to him for "friendship" when you break up with a future BF or some other emotional disaster strikes.