DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

I'm honestly baffled by some people. If parents died, I would have every one of our nieces and nephews on both sides. There are some friends' kids and some of DS's friends who we've known a long time and I would take in a heartbeat. I don't understand how you'd look a child in the face who you have in your life and say you wouldn't be an option. Yet these are your childrens' siblings! You must see them every week!?! You might see the familial resemblance and affection between the kids? You might care about your partner and see him in them? I really think it's troubling that you are in their lives at all when your reaction is a strong "no" rather than "is it right for them". If you plan to stay in their lives, then some counselling might be uawful, to work through why you feel this way.

Then you shouldn't have married him....

There was no "glee" in what I and others said. The chance of OP's husband and ex-wife dying both in the next 10 years is vanishingly small.

@Lockpeopleinrooms Sorry, previous post posted before I'd finished.

You say "You want the OP to promise her husband she'll do the most important thing in the world... but lie about it?"

She is not "promising" anything at all by saying nothing about the Will. He could easily have not told her what's in the Will

It does seem a bit heartless I'm not sure however 'gently' you say it the meaning will be the same. I mean it's all so unlikely - also not really legally binding I mean if you weren't well in six years time and DH and ex wife died, it's not like you'd be legally committed it's just he thinks you would do the best job I guess.

What if OP bought the house before marrying him?

I think saying he should leave OP nothing or vice versa is unfair. I said upthread that DH should split his of the property between his sole dc and his joint dc with OP. I think that would be fairest. OP will have right to live in house until death.

i would absolutely say yes to this, without doubt.

Those poor step children...if I was dh I'd be rethinking you ..yabu.

Yikes.

I would agree, with the intention and full knowledge that if it came to it, I'd give the DSC to their grandparents or an aunt/uncle.

Reason being: it is EXTEMELY unlikely that both parents will die and leave tthem orphaned (at least while they are dependant children), saying no will cause hurt and damage to your husband but potentially also the DSC if they knew, and lastly because if your DH died and you went against his wishes for you to take on his kids - well, dead people can't have their feelings hurt so better to do it then.

I personally find yours and your friends preference to not want to have your step kids in the event of a tragedy quite cold and odd.

You are supposed to be the next closest thing to a parental figure in their lives if in a successful family set up. I couldn't imagine ever abandoning my step daughter. I would feel incredibly protective over her if she faced such adversity and would want to try and give her the best chance at a healthy, stable and loving upbringing.

My partner and I have both discussed this at length and my teenage daughter has said she'd want to stay living with her step dad and our toddler if anything happened to me (she has a relationship with her dad). In turn I would also have my step daughter stay with me, it wouldn't even be something I thought about, it would just be a given.

I can only assume you and your partner haven't been together very long? I think once we hit 5 years this 'what if' scenario was just a given.

I can’t help but think we must be misunderstanding OP.

Hiw do you feel about the kids now? How much do you see them? Do you feel any affection to them? How would you feel if they were living with you and your DH together?

Well, I think you should probably tell him how you feel. But, I can't imagine your relationship will recover. It's a pretty cold perspective, and shows the limits of your care for your husband. Also pretty crappy for your dc to lose their siblings if they lose their df.

This.
It's such a remote possibility that it's not going to happen.
Just go along with it on that basis.

If it did happen you would play it by ear then. As you don't have parental responsibility for them, it would need to be a decision based on their best interests, not necessarily what your DH's will says. Social services and wider family would be involved, I think.

This.
pit has to be discussed with wider family. The bio mum has a say in this even if she dies first .

everyone inc grandparents need to agree otherwise those poor kids are going to find themselves in a complete meltdown of arguments

husband sounds very naive or controlling. He cannot make that decision on his own.

To split siblings apart after already losing both parents is cold hearted in the extreme. I really can't understand the thinking or feeling behind it.

Sounds like Cinderella levels of evil stepmother tbh. If I were the DH, I would want to know. I would also want to end the relationship

He and his ex need to decide together what happens if they both die. It may be that you are the most appropriate person in which case you will have to step up. No one would want to take on more children but it's sometimes in rare situations something that you just have to do.

When deciding on an appropriate guardian if the mum has any sense she already has the measure of you and has an idea for any other relatives who would actually love the children.

It's not worth flagging to your DH that you're heartless and just pretending to be their family. Just say yes but make sure he speaks to ex first.

You already signed up to raising these kids when you married him.

OP you might get lucky with their DM wanting them to go to grandparents. But if not. There's no 'kind' way to say no, you wouldn't look after his kids even if they'd been tragically orphaned. Especially as your home, whether originally his or not, is half his by marriage anyway! You're basically kicking them out of their dad's house.

MN is harsh on step-parents but the consensus here is right this time. If I was him I'd divorce you for thinking so little of your step-children.

It's right up there with the poster who said that she'd step over her DH kids to save her own children in a fire....

I hope he gets good advice to leave his property in trust for his children, and not all for you. You seem like the type to give his kids nothing. Poor kids.

If just your DH died and they were with Mum would you see them or would you not bother?

I also can't believe the amount of posters that are saying agree to it but feel free to either change your mind or have no intention of fulfilling his wishes if the worse should happen! Wtf 😳

Wouldn't the maternal GPs want and expect to raise their DDs children in the event that both parents were dead?

Surely the guardian issue only comes in if the ex wife is already dead - in which case aren't the kids going to be living with you FT anyway at your house? Surely that's the time to have this conversation and update his will?

This. Also the ex wife may have left guardianship in her will too

Couldn’t have said it better

Unless there is serious illness then the likelihood of two fairly young people passing before the kids are legal is very very slim. Also the GPs are not that old so again the scenario seems so distant as to being not really relevant. But I guess if it's a big issue you do need to say no.

This. As these DC have 2 living parents it's highly unlikely both would die in next 10 years. Grandparents might be too old to deal with teens.