DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

I am a foster carer and currently caring for two children whose mum passed away. The stepfather felt the same as the OP, and grandparents on both sides plus various aunts and uncles felt unable to look after them either. Should say there are no medical or behavioural issues, they are bright, funny and well behaved children (their mother must have done a wonderful job with them). I think the rejection from their extended family is currently harder on them than the death of their mum. It is heart breaking to see people from their past rejecting them in this way.

We are currently trying to make the foster placement a permanent one so they do not have to face another rejection. SS are still hoping one of the extended family may relent (so it will be cheaper for SS).

For different reasons usually, but in my view, yes.

Oh this made me sad. I don’t even know what to say. Just, shame.

I think you need to man the fuck up op. This is unlikely but if it happens those kids and your kid will be the closest relations each other has. Their relationship with each other would be incredibly important. You wanted in to the relationship with a man with kids, this comes with it.

I'd say yes but on the proviso that your DH considers that their mother might prefer that you come in as the option after her parents.

If you split and he died then you died, would he prefer your shared kids to go to your new husband or their grandparents?

Luckily, the chances of DH and his ex both passing is very unlikely. I believe that you should suck it up and agree. If their whole world comes crashing down and they’ve lost BOTH parents, they’ll need to cling to what family they have left—that includes you and their half-siblings (your child(ren)). Why did you become involved with a man who already had children if you weren’t ready for the responsibility?

Seeing as the chance of both your H and his ex wife dying prematurely is presumably quite slim, I’m not sure I’d say anything.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

Amazing that OP is concerned with saying a fundamentally un-gentle thing "gently". Can't sugarcoat this one.

You sound a bit selfish to be honest

I've just thought, if their Mum died then they would of course live with you and your DH. Or are you opposed to this as well?

If he then died but they'd been living with you would you want them to leave?

I would suggest to him that this is something he needs to discuss with his ex first - she may have very different wishes - also, would you consider offering joint custody with the grandparents- both maternal and fraternal- which would probably be important to both parents that their own parents would be involved. But if their mum had siblings etc she may conceivably have her own views on what should happen.

Me too. I would be extremely hurt if I was the OP's DH and would be re-thinking my relationship.

Why would you get into a a relationship with a man with children if you don't want to be responsible in some way for those children? They are your DC half siblings. Are you saying you would rather they went into care than them live with you?

Mercifully yes, although I know someone whose parents died at different times and ended up on foster care.

But the real issue is the light it sheds on OP’s attitude to her step kids, which is just really really sad.

Gosh, I don’t know how in that situation you wouldn’t want to look after them. They’d be young and just lost both their parents?! I think it would be very hard to say no to your DH.

Yes. Mumsnet is absolutely full of posts by women who really shouldn’t have married men who already have children.

This one is unusual though for the lack of regard for how her own children would feel about being separated from their half siblings.

It's highly unlikely that both he and their mother will die in the next 10 years let alone 5years or less.
I wouldn't hesitate say yes in that situation. You would be separating them from siblings.

Many people would even do it the other way. If something happens to you and DH then you name his older children's mother as guardian!

I could understand it if you did not have joint children of your own and provided his older children had never lived with you. But surely you would want to keep all the children together if the worst did happen. Just as if you and your partner died would you not want your children to be with their half siblings

I know. And also women with partners who’ve taken on their kids and shouldn’t.

That is so sad.

i hope you are able to make the placement permanent @peppertrees It’s a lovely thing you are doing.

Only way forward.
I’m shocked at your cold hardness.

WOW. Your poor step-children! I’m in shock.

I agree with this.

What is the probability of both your husband and his ex both dying prematurely,

There’s no way to say it gently. It’s a brutal thing to say.

Unless there’s a backstory such that the children are fundamentally difficult to parent (for their own parents, not just you) or you or your DC have some sort of disability that would make this unwise even if you wanted to, I think refusing would be seen as a betrayal.

You might be able to get around it by being more concerned with their mother’s plans and urging him to talk to her about what she would want in the situation. But if you get backed into a corner and say no - that’s never going to be gentle.

Just as if you and your partner died would you not want your children to be with their half siblings

What by naming the step children's mum as guardian of their half siblings? I highly doubt that would ever happen.

Hell would freeze before I wanted my husbands ex to take responsibility for my children.