DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

Your husband should be made aware of your feelings as he would need to leave a good share of his estate solely to his 2 kids if you're considering abandoning them.

While it’s vanishingly unlikely, he should know. Because I think we’d be over if you said that to me. What is the point of committing to someone for life, when there is nothing in the world most parents want but that their children are looked after and ok? We understand that doesn’t apply equally to adult children, to difficult children with violence or addiction issues, complex medical conditions. But this is an 8 & 10yo and you’re like I love you and want to share your life but if you and your ex die nope I’m out. Those kids are someone else’s problem.

Erk, that is not going to go down well. You need to first off ask him what their mother’s wishes would be, and suggest their grandparents may want to take on that role rather than have a non blood relative do it.

Obviously it is extremely unlikely both parents will die and you will be put in this position, so the coward in me would be tempted just to say “oh yes” and hope it never happened. If you flat out say no he will feel you don’t like his children and are rejecting them at their time of greatest need - orphaned FGS! He may not be able to get it out of his head.

Can you suggest joint guardianship with grandparents? A bit less brutal than no thanks.

Taking on twice bereaved grieving kids full time immediately after being widowed is a big ask - some posters calling you down are virtue signalling to a certain extent!

Appointing someone as a guardian for children in a will is not legally binding. It is simply an expression of the wishes of the deceased but the best interest of the child are what it would be decided on.

I assume the op is 1000% ok with every penny of his money going into a trust for the dc, for the people mentioning wills. Otherwise she really would be a proper narcissist sociopath. If we both die, that’s where everything goes. For looking after our children.

Well yes this. It's a non-issue surely. If their mother is alive they'll live with her. If she has already died presumably your dh would be revising his will and they'd be with you anyway.

It is so unlikely that that would happen that it's really not worth saying no
And if, god forbid, the worst did happen his will doesn't legally obligate you to raise them and, well, I don't know how to put this without sounding like a psychopath but here goes - he won't know a thing about it because he'll be dead.
You will have given him some peace of mind in life.

I suggest you speak to the solicitor to understand the role you are being asked to play. When we drew up our wills we basically picked someone we trusted to help administer our estate on behalf of our children and make decisions about where they would live. It is possible that she would decide to have them live with her but also possible that she’d make some other decision depending on the circumstances at the time. This means we don’t have to keep updating our wills. We do periodically discuss with her what our best view of the situation is now. Would you be willing to be that person? Are you best placed for example to choose which set of grandparents would be best?

You’re not prepared to be named in the very slight possibility that you might need to raise them? They are children, they’ll be devastated if the worst happens and you don’t care enough to look after them? They’re your husband’s children and half-siblings of your own children. You sound awful. Maybe your husband will leave you when you tell him you won’t agree and you’ll deserve it. Horrible.

No I don't dislike them. But I wouldn't feel able or capable of taking them on full time without either parent around.

Abandoning your orphaned step children is 🥶

It is so unlikely that that would happen that it's really not worth saying no

That. And as others have pointed out, they'd already be living with you if their mum died first, as would have to happen for you to be guardian.

I agree you need to be prepared that he may leave you over this.

It would be extremely difficult. But to abandon them would be unforgivable I think.

I think you should think about this in relation to your own children. Who will look after them if you and your DH died and how would you feel about them being rejected by that person?

Your DH has asked the person he trusts most in the world to care for his children and that person wants to say no.

Isn't it the case that guardians are responsible for making decisions on behalf of the children, looking after money etc. but that doesn't have to mean they take them into their home, just make sure their welfare is taken care of.

Coldest person on Mumsnet award goes to….

You could say you're not sure it would be appropriate because the grandparents would be terribly hurt at being excluded and passed over

You need to factor in how your shared DC would feel tbh OP. Their brother/sisters would be being brought up by their grandparents. That's quite a big thing for a child, they are with their mum but their siblings are with their Dads parents? The dynamics there would be very tricky for your shared DC.

So basically, the scenario is that your DSC have lost their mother, then their father has died and the only other parent they know (you) are going to turn their backs on them, whilst their 1/2 sibling will stay with you.

If you are happy with that ………….

After a bit of thought he should leave you nothing , you'll take his money any property he has and dump his kids in care .
You should definitely tell him your real feelings then he can come to his decision knowing the facts and leave you nothing or leave you .

Yes, I can't see how a Will making OP the legal guardian could possibly be legally binding on OP. - any more than if DH named Britney Spears or the postman as guardian.

@Ope0p as such, I'd just say nothing.

Maybe OP is the one with property and money…

All these people gleefully saying it’s not legally binding. You want the op to promise her husband she’ll do the most important thing in the world for him if he dies. But lie about it? This is staggering

Unlikely he would at least own half which he could leave his kids and leave OP with nothing .

Yeah pretty much my thoughts on this 😔 It is a very remote possibility that it would happen, but it could, and you would be at peace with rejecting them? Poor kids.
I think you should tell your husband so he's aware of your feelings on this, in his position I'd absolutely want to know. I'd also absolutely be re-evaluating my marriage.