DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

I take it you don’t have stepchildren yourself from this post.

No, but she would need to be signing up for taking on his children to raise alone (or indeed to raise). Which she didn’t do, and clearly isn’t going to.

Agree, also OP may feel differently if the worst were to actually happen.

Since when did accepting someone mean willing to raise them as a single parent’? Or ‘not willing to raise them a single parent’ mean ‘wants nothing to do with them’?.

If their mum died first they'd be living with you & your family. If their dad then died too would you pass them on to grandparents?

It's unlikely both parents will die in the next 10 years, but not impossible.

It would depend on who died first. If it was dad, then the children would most likely go to whatever mum has in place.

While I find it hard to understand why you wouldn't want to take on your child's siblings (although I get it's a massive responsibility & could be hard financially) I think it's something you need to talk through with your DH, & be honest. Someone upthread said don't tell him, he won't know once he's dead, but the children may have been told they will come to you.

My stepson lives with us as his mum died when he was 5. Before we all lived together I knew I'd take him on if his dad died. I did worry about finances but DH has life insurance. Now, it's actually me that's dying & DH is taking on my DD cos she doesn't want to live with her dad.

If you really feel you can't do it, you do need to say as it would be awful for the children to lose both parents, then have to live with someone who didn't want them.

OP has left the building.

Maybe suggest he consults his ex about this. If they are both dead and she has appointed a guardian too then who gets the kids? Of course they are vanishingly unlikely to die at the same time so you only really need to worry about this if his ex dies.

God above. I'd be very, VERY careful how you tell him that OP as quite frankly I'd be rethinking the relationship if my DP said that.

You need to tell him so he can write specifically in his will regarding the proportion of his property and assets that he wishes his previous children to inherit. Your wishes make it clear that you do not feel you have any obligation towards them and he will want reassurance they will be looked after. Hopefully their Mother has suitable guardians she can nominate.

The point is that in this unlikely scenario of immense tragedy there isn't anyone who's directly "signed up" to raise the children, as both parents are dead. And in life it's sometimes incumbent on people to step up to do things they haven't signed up to. And I'd say the stepmother has signed up to raise the children more actively than the grandparents, or any aunts/uncles (who might not exist anyway). She's already in a household with them.

One way of wriggling out of this is to ask him to discuss the situation with his ex as she's interested in their future care.

If this doesn't work then agree and pray they become adults before he kicks the bucket. If the worst happens, you will need to thrash it out with all interested parties - including the children if old enough.

There are too many variables at play here to make a hard decision and being made guardian isn't a compulsion. None of us can dictate what happens after we're gone.

If my partner said they were not willing to bring up my kids if they became orphaned that would a huge red flag and I would be out of there fast!
His kids are an extension of him.

You don’t deserve them. They’d be better off in a loving home with their grandparents. Shame on you

I know it's an anon forum but you're just taking an opportunity to look especially heartless on a situation that's not likely to ever come around.

Their parents are separated, there's very very very little chance of both of them getting knocked off any time soon. Say you'll do it, gather the kudos, safe in the knowledge that it's never going to happen. And if it does happen then the person you seem to worry about offending will be dead and you can just drop em round the grandparents

You don’t deserve them. They’d be better off in a loving home with their grandparents. Shame on you

Wow - she doesn’t deserve them? They aren’t here’s the deserve - they aren’t a prize - they are young children who will have their own thoughts on who to live with should the worse happen.

OP recognizes they have other blood relatives that could do a better job of looking after them - that isn’t a failure - that’s a strength.

This

It would be the end of my marriage if I knew my husband felt like this.

How Dickensian

Where did I say that they were a prize? All I’m saying is they deserve to be in a loving home with someone who actually wants them. The op has said she doesn’t want them. I find this not only cold and heartless but rather shocking.

She hasn't said she doesn't want them. She said she doesn't feel capable of taking them on.

I’m not arguing with some random online

You can be their guardian and not look after them full time. I don't think a guardian is expected to adopt children, more help advocate for their best interests, eg living with their grandparents.

I think it would be pretty shitty not to do this for them and your DH if they lost both their parents. Really shitty in fact especially as they are your children's half-siblings

There's nothing to argue about, it's there in black and white in OPs posts.

I agree with @BranchGold . Added to that, even your DH were to die, you can deal with the situation in whatever way you see fit: he won't be around to interfere and nobody can make you have his kids.

I'm very sorry, @GoofyGoldie, but at the same time very glad that your children will be looked after. Wishing you the very best.

IMO you're being unreasonable. I personally have no money, struggling very much so. But if any child I knew well had both of their parents die, and they were already past 6 years old (being more grown up and able to do things for themselves, not a literal newborn or toddler), I'd take them in without hesitation. I have to say I find it quite shocking as youve married this man, had more children with him, and I assume live with the kids at least part time, but wouldn't extend your humanity to look after them for a few years if your husband god forbid passed away. I couldn't see kids potentially go into care rather than take them in myself.

Would I expect support around me from the grandparents? Absolutely. Would I turn them away and tell my husband I can't be bothered to look after his fairly grown up tweens and just look after "mine"? Absolutely not. I'd be quite upset if I were him