DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

You can say no and once he gets over that he will probably leave you or you could suggest that he says both grandparents, so they are still involved, and that you will continue to have a role in their lives along with their half sibling/s.

My eldest was 4 when I met my DH, we’ve been together 20 Years now. my will made him guardian of my eldest and my exh agreed that if I died she would remain with my DH and our child together.

honestly, if my DH had said no it would have been a relationship ender for me.

hes never treated my eldest like anything other than his own daughter.

If I liked his children I'd say yes, it would be the best for them and probably my own children.

It would not be legally binding on you
Maybe go along with it and in the very unlikely vent that it came to pass see how you feel

I would say yes with loving enthusiasm, banking on the odds of both your dh and his ex dying in the next few years are incredibly slim.

I also don't think that being guardian means you have to have the children living with you. It gives you responsibility for making the best arrangements for the children's care, which may mean living with grandparents.

The chance of this happening is SO small - I wouldn't throw this hand grenade into my marriage, if I were you.

Wow imagine being raised but someone then to have them not be around if a parent dies....

I’m kind of shocked by your coldness. I would do this for a friend if the absolute worst thing happened and someone needed to step in. There is such a remote possibility of this happening. But your partner should know your position.

There’s not wanting to be fully responsible for your step children, and then there’s not wanting to be responsible for your step children in the unlikely event they end up orphaned in tragic circumstances. The former, understandable, the latter, heartless!

We are named in a family will to be guardians for two DC if anything should happen to their parents. I certainly wouldn't chose to raise two more children BUT I wouldn’t hesitate to do it if the need arose.

It's very important your dh speaks to the mother of the children !

as she may have a sister or a brother or someone that she would wish to be the children's guardians.

I asked my dbro/SIL to be guardian for ds.

To me guardian was I would make them trustees for our estate and put in my will I would like them to have a say in what happened to ds and how the money from our estate would be used. I asked them, if it was possible, for them to make decisions for ds that would be in his best interests with no pressure on them to "take him in". That might be live with them if they agreed/wanted to or live with another sibling/elsewhere if that was what they deemed best for ds.

What would be in ds's best interests would change depending on whether he was 3 years old and could easily move across to the other side of the country or 16 years old and sitting exams and I didn't want to be rewriting my will every 10 minutes.

As far as I know, you cannot "leave" a child in your will to anyone, only express a wish, social services would get involved. Personally I would let your dh put it in his will and tell him in the unlikelihood of it ever happening you will make sure his children are taken care of and keep in close contact with their siblings, but not necessarily live with you if it is not in their best interests at the time (which it wouldn't be if you couldn't cope).

Just say yes. They are hardly both going to die before the kids turn 18. This isn’t worth the hassle.

Being their guardian doesn't mean they come and live with you it means you take on responsibility for sorting things out and advocating for them.

I'd get him to discuss it with his ex & see her thoughts. If she's happy for you to be named then to be honest I'd just go with it. The chances of his ex dying then him dying in the next 10 years are slim. It's more a paper exercise. You say no & it could end your marriage. But as pp said even if it did all happen its not legally binding

@Ope0p I have seen it pointed out on other threads that if your step children were orphaned, guardianship would not solely be determined by the parents wills. SS would be involved and would consider what was best interests of the children and for everyone.

Has your DH asked their mum who she would want to be their guardian? I see this as a joint decision for them as their Mum may not want you to be named. I would start with this tack first.

The fall out from you not doing this will be huge so be very sure you want to make a big deal of it.

It isn't legally binding, you don't know what his ex-wife wants and it's very very unlikely to be needed.

Honestly, I probably just wouldn't talk about it. Suggest he puts you jointly with his parents.

The likelihood of it happening is incredibly low. The likelihood of you still feeling the way you do if it did happen is even lower. And if that did happen you could have a discussion with the GPs etc and then not have them live with you full time.

If you say you don't want to take it on I don't think there's any way it won't be massively hurtful.

Agree best for your dh to discuss it with his ex. She may have thoughts on who she'd want her dc to be with - could be grandparents, one of her or your dhs siblings, even a family friend.

I couldn't think of anyone suitable to name as a guardian for the dc, so we never made a will. DC are now both young adults, so not an issue anymore.

Given this would only happen if their mother died first, then surely just as much of a problem is if you would also object if they lived with you full time in that situation?

If I were you I would make sure both parents had significant amounts of term life insurance (eg pays out only if death occurs in the next day 12 years)

Money may not overcome all your objections but it may make a (very unlikely) situation not worth ruining your marriage over.

I think you need to be prepared to lose the husband over this . You would let your husbands kids go into care ? 😲

I think it’s fine you don’t want the DSC but I would have agreed, because the chance of something happening to both their mum and dad is very small. And if it, the kids would likely want to be grand parents or aunt/uncle.

However, I do hope DH is careful to ensure the will is fair. I think his share should be halved between your joint dc and his sole dc. It’s not fair to leave the house solely to you or vice versa.

Are people really this awful to their partner's children?

In this scenario, the children would already be living as a family with you, your husband and your shared children. You'd have to actively turf them out of the home and family for them to go and live with grandparents.

How do you think your own children will feel about you kicking their siblings out of the family home while they're all mourning their shared father?

Wow this seems incredibly sad you wouldn’t want to look after them in the worst (and very unlikely) situation, especially if GP could help. If you say no, you have to accept he will likely chose to leave money to whoever will be looking after them.

Poor children, how sad.