Page 14 | DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

Ope0p · 2024-03-14T19:55:10+00:00

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing! He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little. Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him. Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead. How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC? We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

Mirabai · 15/03/2024 12:57

mydamnfootstuckinthedoor · 15/03/2024 12:25

I agree with @BranchGold . Added to that, even your DH were to die, you can deal with the situation in whatever way you see fit: he won't be around to interfere and nobody can make you have his kids.

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So - OP inherits all his assets on the basis that he believes she will take care of his kids. But they have to go and live with their grandparents, or if they’re infirm or dead, into foster care, and OP won’t have to provide for them.

If they were your kids wouldn’t you want to know your DP wasn’t going to step up.

InterIgnis · 15/03/2024 13:02

gannett · 15/03/2024 10:25

The point is that in this unlikely scenario of immense tragedy there isn't anyone who's directly "signed up" to raise the children, as both parents are dead. And in life it's sometimes incumbent on people to step up to do things they haven't signed up to. And I'd say the stepmother has signed up to raise the children more actively than the grandparents, or any aunts/uncles (who might not exist anyway). She's already in a household with them.

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Yet It isn’t incumbent on her to do it. You may think she’s signed up to raise the children, but that doesn’t mean she actually has. She’s married to someone that is a father, hence she’s a stepmother, but no, she isn’t required to take on a parental role.

Cazpar · 15/03/2024 13:13

People sure are making up an awful lot about who's inheriting what and what OP has said.

It would possibly be helpful to read OPs posts. Not just project your own idea of what's gone on.

mrshoho · 15/03/2024 13:26

This thread is somewhat of a reminder/wake up call to a) write a will and b) ensure that ALL of your children are included appropriately. This father obviously cares about his previous children and it is clear relying on new partners is too messy. You hear about cases so often where the previous children lose out even when the intention was to make provision. Even if your new partner declares they will, make sure to explain to a legal professional so that the will is drafted without any ambiguity.

gannett · 15/03/2024 13:32

InterIgnis · 15/03/2024 13:02

Yet It isn’t incumbent on her to do it. You may think she’s signed up to raise the children, but that doesn’t mean she actually has. She’s married to someone that is a father, hence she’s a stepmother, but no, she isn’t required to take on a parental role.

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Well... on whom is it incumbent then? We're talking about two orphans who are still minors. Your argument applies to all the adults involved because grandparents, aunts, uncles or family friends aren't "required" to take on parental roles any more than the stepmother. Into the state care system with them then, I suppose. Not her circus, not her monkeys?

InterIgnis · 15/03/2024 13:38

gannett · 15/03/2024 13:32

Well... on whom is it incumbent then? We're talking about two orphans who are still minors. Your argument applies to all the adults involved because grandparents, aunts, uncles or family friends aren't "required" to take on parental roles any more than the stepmother. Into the state care system with them then, I suppose. Not her circus, not her monkeys?

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Whoever wants to do it, I would imagine. If no one then yes, the state would have to step in. I am aware that it also applies to all members of his family. I didn’t state otherwise.

Amanitacae · 15/03/2024 13:43

I feel like you’ve missed the point of marriage OP. That was the point at which you signed up to be responsible for his kids.

Mirabai · 15/03/2024 14:10

mrshoho · 15/03/2024 13:26

This thread is somewhat of a reminder/wake up call to a) write a will and b) ensure that ALL of your children are included appropriately. This father obviously cares about his previous children and it is clear relying on new partners is too messy. You hear about cases so often where the previous children lose out even when the intention was to make provision. Even if your new partner declares they will, make sure to explain to a legal professional so that the will is drafted without any ambiguity.

Yes, absolutely. There are many salutary examples of different kinds on MN where the deceased expected the new partner to the right thing by their kids and they didn’t.

In this case, the DH needs to split his will between his wife and kids so that his kids have financial provision going forward.

BirthdayRainbow · 15/03/2024 14:20

I'm amazed at all the posters saying for the OP to pretty much lie to her DH. If he knew how she really felt he might choose to leave the marriage. Of course he may not, but if he would his marriage is no longer based on the truth.

butterpuffed · 15/03/2024 14:25

What do you mean , OP , by saying the grandparents would be able to fill the role if both your DH and his ex die . They're far more likely to go first .

And what does your DH's ex say in her own will about guardianship of her children ? Surely , she has a say , it's not up to just your DH .

grapeomelette · 15/03/2024 14:42

Wow. What a world we live in.

SemperIdem · 15/03/2024 14:51

Amanitacae · 15/03/2024 13:43

I feel like you’ve missed the point of marriage OP. That was the point at which you signed up to be responsible for his kids.

No, it is not.

Marrying someone with children doesn’t give you PR.

mein95 · 15/03/2024 17:50

Tell him,

My mum died when i was 10, and my dad (actually my stepdad, but raised me from 3yo) died when I was 12.

My dad was engaged to someone new. We didn't stay with her.

Hope for the best in this life, but plan for the worst!

rwalker · 15/03/2024 18:31

I think they’d be better with grandparents rather than someone who doesn’t want them

Chopbob · 15/03/2024 20:11

Jesus wept, this is one of the most disgusting things I've heard for a while. You should be ashamed OP.

Ulysees · 15/03/2024 20:32

Chopbob · 15/03/2024 20:11

Jesus wept, this is one of the most disgusting things I've heard for a while. You should be ashamed OP.

There's some selfish people in this world

GRex · 16/03/2024 06:38

Mirabai · 15/03/2024 14:10

Yes, absolutely. There are many salutary examples of different kinds on MN where the deceased expected the new partner to the right thing by their kids and they didn’t.

In this case, the DH needs to split his will between his wife and kids so that his kids have financial provision going forward.

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No. The DH should leave everything equally to each of his own children. OP could use money from the trust for her own child to raise them, but each child should get 1/3, not original children get 25% each and last child gets 50%, that isn't fair.

DodoTired · 18/03/2024 02:56

Poor kids. Thats quite cold, sorry