DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

Tell him becsue he needs to know how little you think of them.

Good Lord.

What’s the legalities of she puts down a different person in her will for guardianship? Does it then just come down to who does first? I’d have thought it would have been best for him and his ex to talk about and agree on the same person. Maybe not legally required but makes more sense.

they would need someone who has been there

I imagine their grandparents who have been there longer than I have would likely want to fill that role.

I mean if the kids are 8 and ten and both parents are both healthy at the moment I think it's unlikely that you'll be in a situation having to bring up two kids because both parents have died. Obviously it's not impossible but it's very unlikely. But either way id tell him, you have to get consent before putting someone as a potential guardian anyway.

Yabu. You tell him yes, yes of course because there is absolutely no coming back from saying no. Otherwise you seem to saying that you currently tolerate them for his sake and if he were gone you wouldn’t want to see them. That is hurtful, even if true, some things are best left unsaid.

Surely if you love him you have some ounce of love for the kids. If a partner of mine refused to do this I’d leave them. You might not want to raise his kids but in the extremely unlikely situation this happened you’d be a monster if you sent them for fostering or whatever

I'm not saying I'd never see them again or want anything to do with them, just I would feel able to assume sole responsibility for them in the unlikely event their parents weren't around.

I was going to post this, surely the 2 parents need to agree between themselves who they want it be guardian to their children?

I think this would be a deal breaker for me rather than just a disappointment. Or at least a major issue to work through.

I think you should tell him that you don't think it's as simple as you taking them on as he still has a living ex-wife, and suggest that he gets advice from a solicitor before you even discuss the matter.

Yes thats probably the best thing.

You're no Bob Geldof OP!

No I'm not

To be honest, it's only going to happen if their mother had already died and if that happened, the children would already be living with you wouldn't they?
Before you say anything you need to think about what sort of impact that might have on the children.
Their mother has died, their father has died, then their stepmother doesn't want them.........
I completely understand your reservations OP but you might need to rethink this.

I honestly would not fall out with my DH over this.

If he dies, the children have a loving mother who would have them.

Chances of them both dying - incredibly small

The children are old enough that their wishes would be taken into account in that incredibly rare situation, especially as they will be getting older, regardless of who is appointed guardian.

I'd be delighted my DH thought I was the best person, and then file that info under 'never going to happen'.

You have shared children together. These are your child’s siblings. Breaking them up after the loss of two parents is an unusual choice.

you can decline, but you need to be prepared for your marriage to not recover.

I agree with a PP who said he should be discussing it with his ex.

OP a testamentary guardianship only comes into effect if both parents (and anyone else with parental responsibility) is dead.
If you did agree to be TG for his offspring you would only be called upon if the children's mother also died.
A way of avoiding hurting your DH's feelings could be to suggest that Maternal and Paternal Grandparents (if still alive and compos mentis) act as TG to allow children to maintain legal as well as social links with both sides of their birth family.
Alternatively you could suggest that you share the TG role with a grandparent (but risk is they predecease or leave you to carry out the bulk of the role )
TGs are not obliged to have wards live with them, btw, the decision making about their lives is vested in the TG, (not an absolute obligation to care for directly but you'd have to establish what the testator expects.)

I'm sure they would want to. But you're being incredibly callous by saying you'd discard them as soon as he was gone.

You need to tell him. I'd imagine it'll have a huge impact on your marriage.

I totally agree with this.
However, I’d be completely honest with your Dh as he will likely need to make sure his Dc are left financially secure if he and their mother were both to die.

I think it’s really unlikely you’ll ever be in that position, but I don’t understand how you could not want them to be with you and their sibling(s) in the event of their parents deaths! I’ve read a lot of cold hearted things on here but that beats most of them. You think they would be better off being brought up by aging grandparents than in a family with you?!

Not only would both parents have to die at a very early age in separate incidents, but they'd have to die in the right order. Mum first, then dad. The odds of that are vanishingly small.

Most couples appoint guardians because the risk of an accident involving the couple are much higher, for instance travelling in the same car. Parents who are separated or divorced lengthen the odds of needing a guardian considerably. Then of course, double the already long odds to get it to happen in the right order.

I think the chances of both parents plus grandparents dying before the kids are grown up is pretty miniscule especially if they’re not together so not travelling together eg. And in a car accident.

it’s a horrible thing to think about but just say yes to give him peace of mind. How horrid to think no one would want his kids if the worst happened. How could you see them go into care if they were to suffer that triple tragedy?!

How do you think your joint children - who are half siblings to DHs Childers - may react to the fact that you wouldn’t want to look after their siblings?