DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

IMHO it's very unlikely to happen so in one sense there is no problem with letting him make that will and knowing your feelings may change. If, in those terrible circumstances you were really faced with the reality of losing him and then of the children also losing their mum, you may find you would feel differently.

I agree with Unexpectedlysinglemum you could suggest joint custody with grandparents, and also, talk practically about the money situation in relation to looking after the children.

This is very very sad @Ope0p I don't have many words. They are your child's sibling. You are clearly more involved, with them more than anyone outside of their parents. In the horrific event they were left orphans, you'd want them to leave? What if it was your child. How would you feel if someone said that about them?

DH and I were appointed guardians for my sister’s DCs in the event of her and BIL dying. Thankfully it’s never happened and the DCs are adults in their 20’s now. At the time our DCs were in their early teens but it never crossed my mind to refuse.
It’s very sad that you don’t feel you could love and raise your stepchildren, the alternative could be them going into care if their grandparents were unable to step in. What a heartbreaking thought.

Truthfully I cannot imagine being solely responsible for children that are not mine either. But I recognised this and never got into a relationship with anybody that had children. I am shocked at your stance regarding children of a man you decided to marry.

I think what you are talking about is a hypothetical situation that is never going (well highly highly unlikely) to happen. In any case what he writes in his will is not legally binding, children are not chattels to be given away after all, it is merely an expression of his preference. If you want your marriage to survive I would let him express his preference in his will.

Why do people keep making comments like this? Do you think the first two children should be provided for and not the second two?

At the very least, his half would have to be split 4 ways between all his children.

Bloody hell. No way would I have entered into my blended family if I weren’t prepared to have my husbands children with us full time if something happened to their mum and with me full time if something happened
to both their parents. Especially now they have a sibling who is my own child. They would need to all be together if they had a devestating loss.

I guess if you can’t you can’t and you need to be honest about it. But it would break my husbands heart if I felt this way so I think you need
to anticipate your husband will be hurt and shocked. He needs to know but it will be difficult.

This is kind of how I feel. I'm not a step parent, and I don't blame you for being daunted at the prospect, but I can't think of any circumstances where I wouldn't be prepared to parent a sibling of my child if there was no biological parent left to do it.

I agree. Happy to palm them off on gp’s without a second’s thought whether that’s even possible. No wonder she doesn’t want to tell dh what she really thinks.

I don't think that's what posters are saying. The children, all of them, should get everything. OP can fend for herself.

But the children still need to be provided for while they’re still children.

if I was writing in my will a guardian I would leave them with enough money to provide for said kids. But the OP has to fend for herself?

Wow. How incredibly cold.

You haven't even thought this through from your own DC point of view. For this to happen DSC Mum would have to die first. So they'd move in with you all full time. Then your DC father dies and you're going to take your children's siblings away? You're really going to do that to your own children because you don't feel able to do it. How are you going to explain that to them, what will your own DC think of you if you did this?

You're the adult. you're their step mum, crucially your DC are their siblings, you act like an adult and you step up, there aren't other choices at least not ones most people can live with. If I trusted a partner with my kids this much and they felt how you do that would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who would do this to my children if I died.

Yet you married him knowing he had kids!

Why date a man with kods if you're not willing to step up and be a parent to them should anything happen to your DH or their mum?

I find this quite selfish but best to say no as you clearly have no love for them.

Wow! So many quesions, @Ope0p
Did you get together with him holding this view? If so, why did you marry him?
Did you tell him that you would not care for those children if anything happened to him?
Have you asked your DH if he would care for your kids if anything happened to you?

@Ope0p surely you say nothing? The chances of it happening are miniscule and there’s no obligation on you to follow through just because it’s written into the will. It just means that social services could consider it as an option. Plus presuming they spend more time with their mother, I imagine if she has a named guardian they would also be considered (surely much more likely to be the actual grandparents)

Or surely he should have been discussing this with their actual mother?? Does she want you to be the guardian of her children?

Oh yes, the perfect tone to tell you husband that you don't want to care for his kids

How old are your kids, are they close in age to your husbands children?

OP, a guardianship clause in a will is not binding, unlike the gifts of money etc. You don’t have to do it. If you don’t want to cause upset, tell him to put a back up down as well.

A guardianship clause is to show what the deceased parent would prefer - the request does not have to be followed and is sometimes ignored if there are more preferable options.

I would find it an honour and a privilege to do that should the need arise.

This is so sad.

When I had my youngest I asked my second oldest friend that if I died would she take the baby. She immediately said she would take all my children. At the time the other children were four and 22 months.

I haven't read all the thread yet but how many children do you have with your husband and what are their ages?

I think this is extremely unlikely to happen and the chance of it happening is minuscule.

you really don’t see them as family how sad

And this is why I would never ever introduce another person into our family. You clearly see them
as baggage. You should never have got with a man who had kid- and that woukd have been fine- I wouldn’t either. But you did so you take on that responsibility.

My DH has 2 children, who are now both young adults. If anything happened to DH and girls' mother, then I would imagine my role in their lives will stay the same, as would their rooms in their home and they would be welcome to stay as they do now. I would certainly let them know I am here for them and would encourage the relationship with their half sister to continue x