DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

So if this is solely about the siblings staying together should stepchildrens mum be expected to take on their younger half siblings if the worst happened to her ex and his wife too?

As I said upthread hell would freeze before I put my husbands ex, mother of his older children, down as a guardian for our children, their half siblings.

No. I meant all the children should be treated equally - the OP's children and their siblings. If there's anything left over OP could maybe get that.

It's the idea that if this happened the step children can be chucked out of their own home which is revolting. And as for the clap trap about OP "not signing up for this"- she should have thought of that before she hooked up with a man who had children.

I'd think very carefully about your response OP. There is no coming back from the message you are sending him about how you feel about his children if you will not put your name down.

No expert here but assuming DH's ex would be listed as primary guardian? So you would be a back up?
If so, if step children wanted to live with granny/uncle/whoever, you could ok that and just look after the legalities for them. Maybe check with the CAB or a solicitor precisely what the role of guardian might involve.

A PP is a foster parent to two girls whose grandparents /aunts and uncles all washed their hands of them. If the OP is unwilling, we can't assume the rest of the family would be happy to open their homes.
And I think DH should absolutely be told because it probably would change the rest of his will. He certainly can't leave all his money to the OP under the assumption she will use it to look after all the kids.

You should tell your husband quickly, give the opportunity to he financially provides for them rather than assume you will ensure money os shared

Willing being the "operative" word.

The idea that the OP can chuck them out of theirs and their father's home is revolting. Still if other relatives were willing but needed larger accommodation no doubt OP would be willing to sell up the family home to release funds.

I see this all the time.

People start a relationship with a person that has children and then have no interest or even a basic duty of care to those children.

And I really don't understand 'second families', why? Why do people have to have children with new relationships, and then stamp their bloody feet because the existing children exist.

No skin in the game BTW.

But c'mon, you signed up for this, at least accept that you have, signed up for this.

Very shortly after I turned 18, my parents came back from the solicitors and told me that they had changed their will to make me guardian of my 2 year old half sister in the event they both died. Now that would have been life changing but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

OP, your big question should be what would happen in the much more likely event something happened to your stepchildren's mother, because it doesn't sound to me as if you would be happy for them to live with their father/you/their siblings full time. I can't and actually don't want to understand your attitude, though.

Well I think it’s clear DH needs to leave direct provision for his kids in his will. Divide his estate into thirds - wife & two children a third each.

That way they would be financially taken care of, even if he can’t trust his wife to provide the social care.

Has anyone bothered to ask the kids what they would want?
I remember my mum and step dad having this conversation when I was young and I was told if my mum died, we’d go live with our grandparents, not stay with my step dad, and that suited me perfectly. I wouldn’t have wanted to stay with him.

the answer is simple - ask him who his ex wife has as guardian in her will. It’s unlikely to be you without your permission.

Thankfully when DH's mother and father died and his horrible step-father cast him out he had his mother's parents.

And in even better news, when his horrible step-father died, we took his lovely grandmother to dance on his grave. I'm glad she lived to do that.

Literally, we all danced on his grave.

I guess you reap what you sow.

I’d phrase it as also wanting their mothers input into who would raise the children if neither parent was there. That you don’t want to step on any toes and would want their grandparents involvement etc, it’s not just something you add a note in the will about and tell them, it needs to be discussed.

If only all bio parents did this kind of careful self-evaluation and forward planning before procreating in the first place, instead of lambasting OP for weighing up her own suitability to be a solo (step)parent.

OP's when their husbands family don't immediately include their kids in family events: how could they be so cruel, I just can't believe they'd treat a child like this. My husband is still considering attending but I can't believe he's entertaining this. Needless to say we'll be going low contact from here on in.

OP's when their husbands kids film a previous relationship need to be picked up from cricket or looked after following the sudden and traffic death of both their parents: not my problem Baybayyyyyyyyy!!!

Ahh, the problem you have here is that you don’t seem to understand that step mothers aren’t a hive mind, they are all individuals with their own morals, thoughts, desires and standards etc. You won’t get a woman posting on here to boast how she’s picking up her step kids from cricket, because why would she? Step mothers also tend to take on a hell of a lot more than step dads do, so maybe add that into your analysis.

Expecting someone else to take on your kids full time, single handedly is a HUGE, HUGE ask, parents should be aware of this when asking anyone to be their childrens guardians in this sort of event.

OP, by far the more important and tangible protection is what financial arrangements DH is making to ensure you and all his children are materially supported in the event of his death alone. And vice versa ofc. If he hasn't even got that covered, then sole guardian of step-children is very much a secondary issue.

This.

OP wanted someone to have kids with, didn't care about his kids then and clearly doesn't now.

OP knew he had kids, why date him if you can't accept his kids?

Would be same if it was a woman saying her DH won't be a guardian to her kids if anything happened to her.

It's quite selfish to date a man with kids yet not want anything to do with them.

Worst case, OP's dh dies, she remarries, asks her new husband to be a guardian and he refuses.

And also this.

Except she married him knowing he had kids.
She wants a unit with him excluding his kids, that's not ok.

That is an excellent suggestion.

Considering the likelihood of this ever actually happening is so slim, I honestly would not say anything. Regardless of what he writes in a will it isn’t possible to legally force someone to be a guardian for anyone. It’s only really in there as a preference. Seems unnecessary to make this into a whole conversation when it’s most likely never going to happen, and if it does, then you can just say no at the time if you really still feel that way.