DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

I feel the same way. I'd take on my best friend's kids if necessary and I'm a single mum of two already!

YABU. Massively.

was just coming to say what @samarrange said. The will doesn't place any legal obligation on you - if worst comes to the worst you could just say 'I can't look after them.' Presumably the grandparents would be supportive of this as well.

Just say to him you'd prefer it if a) he discussed with his ex-partner and b) put something less prescriptive on there, like, 'I would like OP and grandparents (on both sides, plus any siblings?) to discuss the best living situation for my older children based on their circumstances.' What if, for example, (obviously knock wood!) he died in a car crash and you were seriously injured in the same crash and were either temporarily or long term unable to care for them?

The needs of a 17 year old could be a lot different to a 15 year old - one could have left school, be able to drive, and be doing an apprenticeship so could live with grandparents, the other might be better to stay in their school to finish their GCSEs so would be better to live with you for at least a few months, etc.

Having a less prescriptive expression of preference would be better all around.

Realistically it's more likely that you and DH would die at the same time, than his ex-wife would die and then him, both within the next 10 years.

You also never know how you might feel - you might get a lot closer with the kids in the next 10 years and want them to live with you. Losing your DH might make you want to keep the relationship with them as close as possible. Who knows?

Honestly, you don’t deserve to be a step parent and I hope to god my daughter’s doesn’t think as you do (I know she doesn’t, she’s lovely). I would take any of my best friends kids on if push came to shove - let alone my bloody husbands’ kids.

And I don’t even like other people’s kids!

OP, who do the children live with now?

dead people can't have their feelings hurt

JFC, well, that's ok then! 🙄

What the hell is wrong with all of these posters saying to just say yes to DH now with no intention to uphold that commitment if DSC were orphaned?

Quite apart from the lack of compassion for those children, where is your integrity, your respect for the dead and their wishes? Would you all ignore a dead person's will too if you were made the executor? Ignore their wishes to donate or not donate their organs? What a disgraceful, selfish attitude to take!

The dead should be able to trust the loved ones they have left behind.

If they are OP's kids then I hope they call her mum, that would be ok wouldn't it? Infact, if they are indeed OP's children then they should be calling her mum. I hope they were encouraged to do so.
I think many people would agree with you OP. I have indeed taken on two extra children for a few months not that long ago and it was HARD. It was hard on me, my OH AND my children. My youngest is still nervous about it happening again. I wouldn't do it again. I couldn't.
However, in your case it is very unlikely to happen so I would agree but ensure there are things in place just incase. Your DH needs to ensure that you would be very comfortable financially. I received nothing, again, it was very hard. Does he have life insurance etc? It would NOT be fair to burden you financially. It crippled us.

that's is bizarre OP. We put my childless elder sister as guardian who was 65 at the time. She was happy to take the risk and would have loved them as her own if we had both died.

Sad for the DC that you can't do that

Rather than saying no I think you need to gently point out that they also have a mother and that any decision made as to what happens if both of them go needs to be more of a joint co parenting decision rather than step mother with no blood ties gets them and a discussion and look at grandparents might be a better option but that you will of course want to keep the ties between the siblings (because your children are related to them) going

I wouldn't. Taking on someone else's kids as your own is not just a straightforward "but you've had the same partner". I had my first child when step-daughter was 9. She has a heart of gold, but no way on earth I would have taken her on in the event of both her parents dying. She has been brought up totally differently to how I'm raising my children, and in a way that I could no way have had her in my home as someone other than a visitor. She's turned out okay, but that's kinda by chance, and in hindsight there's still no way I would have taken her on. I really like her now, but parenting someone and liking them are completely separate things.

I would just do it. It's so unlikely to happen. This could seriously harm your marriage if you said no.

But if he died before his ex, his ex would be their parent - and it would be up to her to say in her will who the guardians would be on her demise.

If the ex died before your DH then he would have the kids f/t, surely, and any question of you being guardian would only occur if he then also died. In this unlikely series of events wouldn't you consider having them?

Its more likely the grandparents will die than DH snd the mother. But if they were alive I’m sure they would continue to provide a grandparent role of advice. But they wont necessarily be fit enough to parent

It’s incredibly unlikely that your DH and his ex wife will both die while their kids are young enough to need a guardian. If they did, and you were named as a guardian of the kids it does not mean you are compelled to care for them.
You smile and say ‘yes of course’, for the sake of family unity.

Exactly. How very sad.

Bob Geldof is a fucking saint in my opinion. Poor Tiger Lily

Don't think there is a way to break that news in an unoffensive way.

Darling no I am unable o look after your children if you die or god no I won't be having anything to do with those two if you die will sound the same to someone who loves them.

It's easy to say "but of COURSE I would do that" when you've got no realistic prospect of ever being asked. It's a very big thing to ask someone to take on parental responsibility of your children should the worst happen. It is not the same as agreeing to babysitting them on the odd weekend.

Taking on two (orphaned, grieving, possibly traumatised) children is not as simple as saying "yes I'll do it" and someone signing a will and then all is rosy with the world.

Social services will be involved in placing them. The children's wishes will be taken into account. There may be other family members who want to raise them.

There are also serious financial considerations. Could OP afford to raise four children?

Try, for a moment, to imagine how difficult that is at the best of times, let alone when you're recently widowed and dealing with grieving children.

OP you need a serious, genuine, conversation with your H about your concerns. It would be best if your H and his ex also took legal advice about their children's guardianship and how best they can go about it.

Or, giving it five seconds thought and the slightest bit of brain power:

"I'm genuinely honoured you would want me to do that, but I have X/Y/Z concerns - how can we address those? What do you think the children / grandparents would want? Should we discuss it with anyone else?"

Hi OP,
You could ask your husband to discuss the situation with his ex as they need to be on the same page so the families wouldn't argue over what should happen if both parents did die. If his ex has a sister or brother the children are close to or if either set of grandparents are close to the children and on the younger side that could also work.

Your husband should pay a life insurance policy and specify what is for you and your child/ren and what is for his other children which could be used towards their costs if someone took over their care or for their future.

Out of interest, how and where is he leaving the rest of his estate? Has he made provision for the children to inherit his share, or does it go directly to you?

Yes and what he might put in his will.

Ignore the wicked stepmum bunfight. The important thing here is that DH discusses this with his kids Mum, and consults a solicitor, and they jointly draw up a plan, with the agreement of nominated guardians.

With both parents currently alive, and living separately, it's a remote possibility. Having parents in two homes already is the first layer of protection. Wise to prepare for the worst though. It creates space for DH and Ex to have a useful but difficult conversation expressing wishes for the children if the other parent dies. An oft neglected conversation after divorce.

Redirect DH to proper consultation and planning. You'll only have a potentially tricky situation if DH and Ex and kids and grandparents all want you to be primary guardian. Which may not happen.

Honestly, I wouldn't tell him that you won't do it. you're talking about a remote possibility, and you're talking about in the future where your opinion may or may not change.

Personally, I would make sure he assigns a backup if you can't for whatever reason, make sure he has a trust set-up for the kiddos, and then IF he dies before you... make the choice when the time comes.

No need to upset the apple cart for no reason

I believe that, if both parents died and the children were still under age then it would be a court who would decide what would happen. Their father could express a wish but I don’t think it would be legally binding. So OP, you could perhaps express a willingness to care for them but point this out to him.

I would tell him that you could only do it jointly with his parents as equal guardians. Then you can still see them sometimes so they can spend time with their sibling but really the gp will be in change