DHs will - how to handle this situation?!

[Ope0p]

DH has never had a will and wants to start putting one together which is obviously a good thing!

He's been discussing various things with me and one thing cropped up tonight that has thrown me a little.

Basically he's said he wants to put me down as a guardian for his two older DC and I'm unsure how to say no in a way that isn't going to hurt him.

Funnily enough myself and a friend who is also a step parent were talking about this scenario a few months back, what we'd do if both parents weren't around anymore and we both agreed that we didn't think we'd want to take full responsibility for the DC and would likely be with grandparents instead.

How do I say this gently to DH that I'd really rather he didn't put me down as a guardian for his DC?

We do share DC as well so there is that added complication.

I'm usually the first to stand up for SM's getting a pasting, I had some tough years with dsd myself, but you really deserve it.

If this was ever going to be an issue their DM would already be dead, and the children would have been living with you for potentially years. Assuming you are not one of those awful women who would refuse that too.

The cruelty towards not only your stepchildren, but also your own children is shocking. Imagine losing your father then seeing siblings thrown out by your mother.

My DM treated my own half-siblings shockingly when DF died, and I've never forgiven her for it. And we were all adults.

You know social services get involved when both parents die.
Both parents of these children could put your name down, means nothing.
At some point after they have both died, the social services will come and do a DBS on you and anyone else whos name was put forward. Then is the time to say you dont want to look after them.
Plus the children themselves will get a say.

So frankly dont bother telling him not to put you down. Just leave it and in the massively unlikely scenario of both parents dying, you'll be ok to say no.

I think people are being a little unfair to you OP. Feeling daunted about taking on a total of three bereaved children/teenagers (altogether) does not a cold hearted monster make. As a parent and step parent I can honestly say I have never thought of a situation where both bio parents died and I agreed to take all of them on, and I doubt many have as it's so unlikely! I have obviously thougt through non BIOS living with us, and I'm totally fine with that. You should never be a step parent if youre not as that could happen, but your senario I doubt is one we think of. If you had come on here as a step parent and said 'I want sole custody of all the children if bio parents die instead of grandparents' I can just imagine what the MN response would be!! Step parents usually don't win on MN. I do think you are over thinking though. It's unbelievably unlikely to happen and even if it did, it wouldn't be legally binding. It would be what was best for the children at that time and that may well not be a single bereaved woman on her own dealing with all kinds of awful stuff. If everyone who was worried about that scenario didn't become step parents, I would inagine there would be a lot of single people out there. What I would do is examine why you feel that way. Ensure that you would take the kids on if something happened to their mother and the dad was still alive. Ensure there isn't some unconscious bias going in, and if there is, get some counselling. If there isn't just say yes and sleep soundly. And don't worry you are not a cold hearted monster for taking responsibilities seriously!!

Didn’t you know, OP, that apparently you didn’t sign up to marry the man you love that was raising children with his ex, you signed up to be a single parent to their children should the worst happen to them both? Fucking hell, this thread.

He needs to discuss this with their mother, not unilaterally sign you up for the job. Maybe they have a stepfather their mother would want to have them?

YANBU. This is not in fact what you ‘signed up’ for.

So. Given its far more likely the grandparents either won't be around or will become unwell/unable to care for the children, than it is both parents due.
And you don't know what mum's provision is (which is probably key because you would share guardianship with anyone she names)

If the children were left with NO-ONE and at risk of going into the care system or living with a relative they barely know.....you still wouldn't feel capable?

I have never heard of anyone turning down a request like this.

Unless OH and his Ex regularly spend time together the chance of something happening to them at the same time is negligible....
If one parent dies the other parent becomes responsible. And then if something were to happen them it's their wishes that are paramount.

So - if your OH goes first the children would be with their mother. You would see them less frequently. She will name her own preferred guardian (hopefully not OP)

But if their mother heaven forbid passes away they are coming to live with OP anyway. Then Dad passes and OP would send them away?

Wow so in the event both parents died, you would see them off to a childrens home vs doing the right thing?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

So, the likelihood is the GPs will die before DH and his ex, so if they all die, what then? You get them fostered?

Their DFs home is also their home, I assume they had their own beds and "stuff" there? So you'll pack them up and send it all to the GPs assuming they are alive?

Does it not concern you that the GPs may not be the best place for them? When they are used to their father's home and being with their sibling?

It's just what's best for you?

Tell your DH, but to be honest, if I were him I'd be extremely disappointed, but maybe he should've realised this before committing to a child with you,

Let's hope the same thing doesn't happen to your DC.

I disagree.

You can be fond of someone's children but not want the responsibility of them.

OP is entitled to her feelings. She may be very happy to have the children for X days/ week - that is very different to having them live with her full time, and taking responsibility for schools, discipline, etc.

Plus - if she did dislike them (and I'm not suggesting for a moment that she does - this is "what-iffery") wouldn't it be better that they lived with someone who loved them, rather than someone who tolerated them?

You can be fond of someone's children but not want the responsibility of them

She should have thought about this before she started playing happy families with a man who was already a parent.

No one ever actively signs up for tragedy and trauma, do they? But yes, when we choose to enter relationships with people - in this case a man and his children - we sign up to potentially having to deal with the worst life can throw at us as well as the best.

She's not "playing happy families" FFS, she's married with children.

I think you definitely need to a) insist that your DH talks this through with the SCs mother and both sets of grandparents first and then b) tell him that you don't want to be the childrens' guardian and won't, in the million-to-one situation that both he and their mother die before they are 18, look after them. He may wish to divide his estate up differently when he has the full picture. It would make sense for him to have a will that makes decent financial provision for his first two children so that whoever ended up looking after them would be provided with the financial support to do so. It sounds as if he'll need to take out a significant amount of life insurance for a 10-15-year period.

It's a discussion he needs to have with his ex before anyone.

I imagine most mothers would expect to have sole custody of their own children if their ex died and then to decide themselves who the guardian would be in the event of their own death. His ex may have a sister she would prefer them to be with.

No idea how you tell him, if someone said that to me it'd be a deal breaker.

I'd probably hang around because I wouldn't break up my younger two kids family over an unlikely hypothetical, but I'd never look at my partner the same way again.

Why not? She's happy to leave her children's siblings to fend for themselves. The children should come before her.

It's an incredibly unlikely scenario, but I don't think I could continue a relationship with someone who wouldn't actively want to take care of my DC if the worst happened.

Great news!

It's highly unlikely that these children's immediate family will all die in the next 10 years. So just agree to everything and then if they tragically do, you can do what DH's step-father did and kick them out on the street at the age of 14.

Whilst keeping the children of your marriage living with you.

She wouldn't be kicking them out anywhere. It would be decided by a court where the children would be placed.

They wouldn't be fending for themselves. They would be placed by a court with grandparents / a different relative.

What are the genuine chances something happens to both of them within the next 8 years.

Given that they are separated and live separate live that would likely have to be two separate tragic events (unlike a family unit where theres a much higher chance of both or all of the family being devastated in an event like a house fire or car crash).

Even if your DH appoints you guardian do you really think the mother will would also appoint you guardian over her parents/siblings/friends/partner - I highly doubt it.

All grandparents of the kids are far more likely to die in the next 8 years than both parents are.

That said if some how all this unlikely scenario happened and a spate of deaths take out all these people are you really the kind of person that would turn your back on and kick two young orphans on the street? bit heartless.

Dramatic much. No child is being left to fend for themselves. 🤦‍♀️

and actually what you mean is the first children should come before the second children.

if my dh died and left all the money to the kids and none to me to take care of the kids, I’d be raging.

A court could not force OP to have the children continue living with her and their siblings. A court can't actually force anyone to take responsibility for children if that person doesn't want to.

It’s a shame you don’t feel able to do this and if I was your husband I would feel hurt and let down. But you need to do what do.

Yes, it can't. But it would place the children with willing grandparents / aunts and uncles etc.

They would not be "left to fend for themselves".