Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

Good.

I'm really pleased to read this update.

You've got a lot of people cheering you on and willing you to stand firm on this.

Best of luck to you later on when you're driving your mother home.

Do you know what - you don’t have responsibility for her.

Shes an adult. Don’t be a dick to her, but don’t jeopardise your marriage.

You need to prioritise your husband and children, or you could end up alone with your mother.

I hope she goes quietly. Good luck.

Good luck op.

Wow OP hope it went ok. I see so many of these posts where people are stuck, no in circles and nothing changes. I hope you have been able to follow your plan through

Stay strong op. You can ring the council on Monday and refer her to the vulnerable adult dept. She really isn't your problem to solve. I am nearly her age and start couch to 5k on Monday!

Hope it went well earlier for you OP.

Someone said to bin the idea of an honest conversation as it would be a waste of time. Well, I wish I'd checked back in here first before taking her home.

She made it clear she didn't want to go, but she did, at least. Once we got back to hers, I did try and explain that she needed to seek help, etc. Well, it backfired. Got a lot of 'how dare you' etc. I ended up leaving after telling her she needed to sort herself out or nothing would ever change.

She'll probably try ringing me in a few days pretending nothing happened, reverting to her usual ways.

I don't forsee her ever changing. She'll never stop drinking, not of her own accord. Despite saying she wants to and she's tried but no one listens or helps, etc. It's all just excuses.

And honestly, I can't do it any more. With DHs support I'm going to attempt low contact.

@Motherproblem101 I'm glad you managed to get through. I actually think it went as well as it could and was kind of predictable. You were honest and clear and put a boundary in place. You did the right thing. Your mother was not prepared to hear it she's not ready and might not ever be. You understand where you are with her now she's out your house. So you could see this as a big win. And low contact sounds wise (and some counselling)

@Motherproblem101 well done and best wishes going forward.

You've done the right thing @Motherproblem101so take a deep breath. It's not easy but think of your own family from now on. Good luck

You've done the right thing and at least you told her how you feel you really tried your best she really doesn't deserve you as a daughter! Take real good care of yourself and your own family go low or no contact you really can't reason with an alcoholic take it from me I had a difficult relationship with my own mother so I understand 💐

Well done Op. You've 100% done the right thing.

Well done op. That must have been tough, but it’s the right thing. Stay strong and maintain your boundaries for your own healths sake.

Take her back home for the sake of your marriage. You aren’t responsible for her alcoholism; she’s an adult and responsible for her own behaviour. Contact AA to see if they can give you advice. She can sell her house and buy a flat.

She doesn't want to change her behaviour, she wants to go on behaving badly and for you to look after her and pick up the pieces. You can't do that. It's not good for you or her.

She needs a compelling reason to change, it seems cruel but you need to let her know you won't help her unless she is on a path to change - cruel to be kind.

Al Anon might be a good resource for you.

So sorry to learn of your situation, so difficult and mentally and physically exhausting. This is impossible and so hard when you have the responsibility and it is your Mum. As you have already said unless your Mum wants to get help there is nothing you can do. Please get some support for yourself, speak to your GP and contact AA for support for yourself in dealing with the situation. As for getting her back home there is no easy way, I wish your husband and children could be more supportive and understand the situation is so hard for you.

She lost the right to access you as the responsible daughter.

She isn’t managing her life. Well, she treats you like shit. She obviously treated your husband like shit.

Take her back to her home, and have her sort out her own life. You do not owe her anything because it’s obvious she’s not respectful towards you or your family.

And then you need to go see a therapist on how to cope with cutting the cord on someone who is obviously very toxic.

Chances are she is drinking too much as it numbs depression whilst creating depression and brain fog.

However as you say unless she wants to change how much she is drinking, and see the problem, little can be done.

Also as you lose respect and love for her, you will see her less and that creates a vicious circle for you both.

do either of you have extended family (not your DH) that can sit down with you both and speak plainly to your mum? Sort of like an intervention. Get her to agree to go into therapy or rehab clinic, sell the property and buy something more suitable?

Similar situation going on in exH's family at the moment.

His brother has been a chronic alcoholic for as long as I have known him, 25 years +. He has lost jobs, homes, relationships and access to his child, alcohol always came first. He once almost died as he fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand and set fire to the sofa he was lying on.

The thing is, he has no reason to change. His father keeps on bailing him out time and time again. He lost his last house so his father found him a room in a shared house or hostel (not sure which) and he is now back at his dads less than a week later as he went on a 4 day bender and got thrown out.

But as I say, as he has never hit rock bottom he has no push to change.

Often the kindest thing you can do to help an addict face their behaviour and change it, is absolutely NOTHING. Let them fall over so they can learn how to pick themselves back up again, until you do that she will continue in this cycle because she knows that you will always help her out when she fucks up.

You sound like you just need someone to tell you she doesn't have to live with you.

"She doesn't have to live with you".

You have the right to say no if it's not suitable, which it isn't.
Loving and caring for your mum can happen whilst living apart.
Be very firm and think of what you are willing and able to do.
She's an abusive, alcoholic who seems set on destroying her life and she's decided what you are going to do for her .
No. No. No.

You need to get some support for yourself because you (understandably) can’t see that she’s playing you.

Book her an appointment with the GP and take her there, go in with her. Then explain that she has to stand on her own two feet and get herself some help, that you are not qualified to help her with her mental health, and that you’re not willing to have her move in because she drinks.

You have to choose between your marriage (and kids if you have them) or your mum.

I had a dad like this. Drinking whiskey night and day. Very manipulative. Lasted years.
Don’t let her move in. Not fair on your partner or yourself.

Make an appointment with her GP for her depression and take her home. It sounds a lot like emotional blackmail to me, but if you give in it will ruin your relationship.

Re: your last sentence here, I would say “Let’s take you living with us off the table altogether because it’s not going to happen. So, the next option is to downsize to something like a 1 or 2 bed bungalow, and use the sale proceeds to live on. How can we get this moving?”

Does she have adequate cash for an Estate Agent?