Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

Are you going to let your guilt be responsible for destabilising your marriage?

She's a toxic presence and you owe her nothing if she won't help herself. You really must take her home and tell her you'll have nothing more to do with her until she seeks the professional help she needs.

She's destroying her own health and she'll destroy yours if you let her.

This is what you need to work on, then. You cannot help your mum, when she doesn’t want to help herself.

Remind yourself that you are offering to help your mum. She has lots of options that will help her, which you could support her with (helping to sell the house, helping to apply for financial or medical support etc). You are simply drawing a line at her living with you and making you all live life the way it suits her. She doesn’t NEED to live with you, she wants to. Because the burden of supporting her will fall on you, meanwhile she can dictate how you will live in your home.

Maybe write the situation down, or type it out on your phone, when you’re feeling calm and rational, so that in your more vulnerable moments, you have something to refer back to, to help alleviate the guilt and allow you to maintain some clear boundaries.

I had this with mine - different history but the same levels of manipulation, learned helplessness and horribleness when she didn't get her own way. It's very hard, especially at the point that you are at (knowing it's toxic and bad for you but still unable to shake that feeling that it's all on you).

I was able to disengage with a lot of therapy. I really recommend it. You've GOT to take her home, OP. It's her or you. Choose you.

She simply can't stay when the children come. So you need to get her out the day before they come. You'll know whether you can explain and she'll go after a big drama, whether you need to take her out and drop her home or whether it gets to the point you'll have to call for emergency help. Your husband can help you because he agreed for her to stay for a very short period so can help with her leaving. Then she really can't come around again. She's emotionally abusive. Ideally it would be good for her to go in response to a clear plan but it's not clear whether you have the strength to do that. And yes al-anon definitely a good idea

I wish……….he had a VERY entitled mindset after all a bottle of wine costing £40 would not do you as much harm as drinking a bottle of supermarket plonk at £7. He had as in HAD a very high flying high paid job that for years insulated him against the effects of his drinking.
At 45 wet brain set in which he tried to pass off as early onset dementia and he was dead by 50. Towards the very end he would drink ANYTHING containing alchohol. I stupidly paid over £50k for a months rehab only to have him walk out after two weeks and straight into a wine shop. He rang me drunk to tell me he was suing said private hospital for failing to stop him drinking. He was a complete and utter nightmare that cost me an awful lot in solicitors fees to ensure I passed on trusteeship to them and he did not bequeath me debts.

You can’t go your mum unless she wants to help herself. She needs to go to the doctors and get herself proper help.

Beat me to it. Take her home op, if you want to keep your marriage.

No way would I have my alcoholic mother living with me. Your husband should also get a say. If she is able to clean and moan she can go home. She sounds like the type of person where if you give an inch she will take a mile.

You need firm boundaries. Just take her home and say your step DC are coming this weekend so you don't have room.

That all sounds horrendous. For you absolutely but I so also feel sorry for him, that he was never able to take the help that was offered to him. £500 per day though, wow! I have only heard those figures from people that did drugs too.

Don't let her stay. I have a close family member (alcoholic) living with me and the pressure it's put on DH and me is immense, and now they can't/won't move out.

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt
She understands this and she is exploiting it, unless you can change your mindset you are trapped and she will take you down with her.
She will destroy you and then clamber over your withered husk to find the next victim.

I genuinely dislike her. But I can't shake the guilt

You can't fix her. Don't destroy your marriage trying to.
That doesn't mean you don't give her any support - you have clearly given lots. But you can't let her take you down with her. That won't do anyone any good. I'm sorry because it must be very hard.

She knows you have a strong sense of duty towards her and that you will find it very hard to refuse her, obviously you did it with good intentions but you have massively shot yourself in the foot by allowing her to move in.
I know she put you an impossible situation where you thought you had no alternative so I'm not saying that to have a go.
I would say your best option is to get her out as quickly as possible and by any means possible and then never ever let her over the threshold again. Easy for me to say I know.
Please listen, she will ruin your life without a second thought if you let her, not because she's evil but because she is dysfunctional and she is an addict. I am sorry.

I am driving her home as soon as I finish work.

I made a few excuses about why she needed to go.

I will not allow her back.

Once she's gone, over the phone I shall have an honest conversation with her.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm taking it on board.

I know I have to put myself and my family first.

Leave it with your DH to talk to his own mother!

You didn’t even read the first line of the OP 🙄

She's my mother. Not his.

I've not read all the replies but have read OPs posts.

So not sure if it's been suggested but how about getting some help for yourself with a therapist. It's really understandable to feel guilt when it comes to dealing with parents evens if they are awful people but it might help to understand why you do and what you can do about it.
A therapist might be able to help you organise your thoughts and help you to understand how you can deal with your Mother. She isnt going to change!

Well done OP.
I'm sure this we very tough for you, but definitely put yourself and your own family first, and get some counselling.

Take care 💐

"Don't prioritise your guilt" - that's a brilliant phrase thank you. Op would totally agree, have said this on loads of threads, you will say no and you will feel awful, physically ill perhaps but it will get easier the more you do it. Sit with the feelings and they will subside.

@Motherproblem101 excellent news. She'll just keep on being an emotional vampire until she's dead. You aren't responsible for her.

I made the mistake of inviting my father to live with me when he was in his eighties with smoking related COPD. He was also a borderline alcoholic. He was a deeply unpleasant man, not to your face but he slated everyone we knew in some form. I invited him because he had almost died from an exacerbation so I thought he didn’t have long. It turned out to be 3 years and 4 months and I spent most of that time willing him to die. It was one of the worst mistakes I ever made. So my advice would be as others have said, tell her the kids are coming and she has to go home. Tell her she’s coming between you and your husband. She is not your responsibility, there are people who won’t understand the dynamic and might make you feel guilty but ignore them. I can’t imagine being like this with my kids (I am 60), in fact I have the opposite problem with one of mine. Honestly I still have dreams that my father has come back to life nearly four years later. Make a quick and clean break, get her out of your house, now is the perfect opportunity don’t waste it.

Well done @Motherproblem101 Find your boundaries and hold them.

I'd also suggest binning the idea of an 'honest conversation' - she's not capable of holding one. It will be in one ear and out the other; it's a waste of your energy.

It would be worthwhile having that conversation with your husband and getting his support in helping you keep the right boundaries in place with your mother. I never wanted to talk about it with my partner because I was ashamed but I learnt that the shame wasn't mine to hold.

I found Al-anon (0800 0086 811) and their website had helpful advice about dealing with alcoholic family members.

Good for you OP 💐

It must be tough for you, but mummy dearest is at it. She's 57. She's a fully grown adult who needs to take responsibility for her own life. She is NOT your responsibility.

Good luck ❤️

That’s fine if you can’t shake the guilt. You need to do what you know is the right thing and then get some support or counselling to help you deal with your own feelings . Id also recommend Al Anon - have you been to any of their meetings yet ?