Uninvited guest. How do I get rid?!

[Motherproblem101]

DM 57 lives alone. She's an alcoholic who doesn't leave the house. She's surviving on inheritance but it's almost run out.

She rings me up a lot crying, can't cope, wants to end it, etc. She has asked previously if she could move in.

Yesterday she called and it was worse than ever, the crying, threatening suicide, etc. Said she'd had a fall. So I said I'd pick her up and she could stay for a while.

I warned DH. But wires crossed he thought it was only one night. Not basically indefinitely.

Backstory is that DH doesn't like her. Completely understandable. I don't particularly either. She's rude. Controlling. Has said some awful vile things to me in the past. Still trys to control and tell me what to do. She's extreme right wing and has views that DH and I vehemently disagree with.

But I feel a certain responsibility and obligation toward her despite this. Guilt too I suppose.

DHs DC are due to stay with us this weekend but he's said if she's still here he'll cancel their visit because he doesn't want DM around them.

She can't stay. But now she's here I don't know how to get rid of her. It'll just go back to how it was before, constant suicide threats, crying, having 'falls'.

She says she's too unwell to get a job once her inheritance runs out so she wants to move in and sell her house so she can live off the money.

She's been here one day and she's already started cleaning and rolling her eyes. Moaning about things. Wants constant gratitude and praise for the cleaning she's done.

What do I do?

Bloody hell 57!

stand firm. You could have 30 years of this malarkey, it could end up costing you a fortune as well as your family if she moves in.

Very well done on making the decision, OP - and goodd luck with getting her to actually go

Take her home. Signpost her to appropriate services.
Why would you do this without discussing with the other person in your home first?

Once you've got her to go, I'd tell her straight out that living with you won't work since there's no way that your DH will let his children be around an alcoholic. So she can forget about that.

Next time she tries it tell her you're calling the mental health crisis team, and follow through if needed.

If she refuses to leave now, on the basis that she's saying she's not safe alone, someone should come and get her.

A late post op and hopefully she is back at her home now but surely you are not providing alcohol or allowing her to bring it or have it delivered or have any access of any kind IN YOUR HOME? I can’t imagine she would want to live anywhere where she can’t access alcohol. Also not sure of DH and DSC mum but could this be used to limit or erase his scheduled time with children if mom decided home was not safe for DC? Of course DH cannot allow MIL to jeopardize his parenting time

Me and my family had such a hard time with my brother, it was awful. He got worse and worse because we did enable him to some extent - he was very surprised when he was made homeless, and I would not let him move in with me. He expected that I would step up. He was in a psychiatric hospital and all the nurses and doctors were reassuring him that he could come home with me when he was discharged - I took him straight to the council and he spent months in a homeless shelter.

I had seen it coming and prepared myself to say 'no' by reading a thread very much like this, OP, with very much all the same advice.

Also, AL anon was so useful. I didn't go to many meetings, only six or seven. It was enough to know that I was not to blame, it was not my responsibility, and it gave me the language I needed to say no. So many people have been through it.

My brother died when he was 55, entirely of alcohol related issues. All of the help and support I received helped me understand it wasn't my fault or responsibility and there was nothing I could have done. In fact, if I had taken him in, he would only have ended up dying in my home.

Alcoholism is cruel and complex, and complete in its hold on some people. It's not your fault.

Xxx

You are in a very difficult position first off I have never been in your position but I also think that you both need help and fast . If she won't seek help such as doctors etc could you not ask them to call round for a chat? Ring the social welfare and find out what entitlements she can claim.

Well done op!

It will be hard taking her home, she's probably good and making you feel responsible. But you have to stick to your guns, the alternative is unthinkable.

She's an able bodied adult woman. Not particularly old. Your role is to offer advice and emotional support, not a home. Just keep directing her - if she's suicidal offer her the Crisis Team's number, if she's having falls suggest she sees a GP. Stonewall any suggestions if living with you with "we don't have space for that".

Yes, for the sake of your sanity and your marriage, your mum needs to return to her own home. I don't underestimate how difficult this will be emotionally for you but it isn't going to work. And yes, depending on what money your mum has in bank, she will eventually be entitled to benefits. This can be addressed later, step by step

oh apologies, I completely misread! Then, yeh, you've dealt with it best you can.

Please don't call an ambulance to a threatened suicide.
This is a long standing manipulation.

@Motherproblem101 What a pain in the neck. Alcoholics are an absolute pain to be around.. unless they are in recovery .
Time for some tough love!

You have made the right decision OP, hope in some way things can improve for you.

Someone once gave me some brilliant advice about marriage: It means that when push comes to shove, you have to put your spouse and new family ahead of your parents.

Of course, you still love your parents, and they are there for you if you ever need to go back. But the real test of whether you are ready for marriage-level commitment is "Are you prepared to side with DH/DW over DM/DD".

So on that basis I am sitting here applauding.

I know she's your mum, OP, and that you love her and feel responsibility for her despite everything. My heart goes out to you. But she's an addict, and addicts say whatever they need to say to get what they want. You're the child of an addict and you don't see it as clearly as someone who didn't grow up with a parent like this.

There's nothing you can do to help her. She has to help herself. Taking her into your home and possibly destroying your marriage won't help her, it'll just enable her to carry on doing what she does.

Go to Al Anon or talk to someone today: their helpline number is 0800 0086 811. I'd also try to talk to her GP or send an email setting out the situation.

On a practical level, I'd do whatever I could to get her back in her home: perhaps get her to go back with you to turn off the water or get some more clothing. Then leave her there. It will sound harsh, but whatever she does is her responsibility.

Well done, OP. That's a very good decision.

Honest conversation over the phone - this isn't something you objectively have to do. If you feel you need to do it (which is fair enough), focus on making sure you say what you want to say, but don't be surprised if it all gets twisted and turned, or if you come away feeling that she didn't really hear. If she doesn't, it's not your fault. Decide what help you're comfortable giving and offer it. It's on her if she doesn't take it.

It will be hard taking her home, she's probably good and making you feel responsible. But you have to stick to your guns, the alternative is unthinkable

Fully agree with this, @Stompythedinosaur (love your username BTW!!) but frankly I'm hoping the "D"M doesn't stage some sort of "health emergency" which means she can't be moved

With the kind of manipulation OP's described nothing would surprise me ...

Well done OP. Good decision.
Hard but it is her own fault and there is no obligation for you to help her when she refuses help from GP or to help herself.
You can't actually help her anyway.
All you would be doing is wrecking your own life.
I hope you manage to get her home without further drama.

You may want to look at SMART recovery, which is an alternative approach to Alcoholics Anonymous. They have “Friends and family” meetings, some in person, some online. The focus of the F&F meetings is on helping the F&F deal with their feelings, including reducing guilt and learning how to detach with love.

https://smartrecovery.org.uk/

"Don't prioritise your guilt" - that's a brilliant phrase thank you. @TorroFerney agreed.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater so great.

@Motherproblem101 57 years old - lol. I am actually only a few years younger than she is, working like a loon, with a school aged child still. Is that the sound of tiny violins I hear? Many people have nearly a decade left of working life at that age. Not sure how old you are, but she can't be "presenting as 87" for real, for crying out loud. If she's falling, it's the booze.

She needs to look after herself, she cannot impose on you at this age.

How will she access alcohol staying with you?

What would you suggest she does instead?

maybe try what I used to do, call the police and ask them to do a well being check. IF it’s legit and capacity is in question they are the ones who can get a person to help. If it’s plain manipulation they will have a few words…..

I'm delighted to read your update
Well done for making the decision.
Take care of yourself

Hope it all goes ahead in a positive way OP. My dm used to cry and try to manipulate over the small things but I knew just to ignore it. It's all you can do.
You can't help someone who refuses help in the long run, but you can try then, if they don't accept it at least you know in your mind that you tried.