To have said no to this mum?

[mamabeeboo]

DD, 3yo has a best friend at nursery, who also lives close by to us. I've spoken with the mum here and there on pick up, general friendly chit-chat about the traffic, the weather, potty training etc. she seems friendly enough. She recently got a new job.

I have two other DC, including an 8 month old who's not the best sleeper. DCs know to stay in bed until 8am so I can rest as much as I can before the school run, and a long day of work. (DH works 6am-2pm so he's already out of the house), so it's just me trying to be on time for school which starts at 8.45am and rush to work at 9am.

I missed her call, but she texted me asking if she could drop off her DD at ours each Monday at 7.15am, as she needs to be at work at 8am. She's happy to pick up DD and drop her home after school in exchange. I said no, with the reasons above, but am now starting to feel bad, what if she has no other alternative, what if she has to turn down the job, it's only 1 day a week etc.

Another part of me thinks that I have 3 kids to deal with, without a 4th arriving before we are even awake, and having to entertain her DD for 1hr 30 mins before school starts, every Monday?!

AIBU?
YABU - I should just do a favour
YANBU - I have enough on my plate

Have you not read the OP describing how awful SHE feels now?

And I didn't say the woman should be shamed. I said it might help the OP to explain why she really had to say no, in an attempt to preserve the relationship. In the hope the woman might think 'yeah, she probably wasn't the right person to ask' and not 'well I'm never doing her any favours!'.

There’s asking for a favour and then there’s this. A one-off emergency request is not unreasonable but asking a mum of three young children, including a baby, to every week take on another small child, by herself, first thing in the morning whilst trying to get herself and everyone else out of the house in time for school really takes the mick.

I have read it. And I understand why she feels that way - moms (and women in general) have been trained to feel guilty for speaking up about their needs and limits. We shouldn't have to feel that way, but we do.

But OP feeling bad doesn't mean she needs to try to make the other mom feel bad instead. We can (and should) work through our uncomfortable feelings without the need to try to put them onto someone else or make someone else at fault for them.

OP giving a brief explanation of why the arrangement won't work for her family is great. Intentionally going "on and on" and "hyping up" how overwhelmed OP is with the goal of making the other mom feel guilty for asking is different, and I think it's wholly unnecessary.

Who on earth voted YABU for not wanting a child dropped off at your house 45 minutes before your family is even awake????

What do they expect her to do? Leave the child in a corner on its own and make it promise to be quiet? For you to spend 45 minutes when you should be sleeping entertaining her child, and then ask it to be quiet while your kids are got ready? Or for your super organised 45 minutes to turn into 90 minutes of utter chaos, which will then spill into the other days because you cannot explain to your kids that the Monday routine is different to every other.

Say no and stick to your guns.

I don't think it was unreasonable to ask so long as she didnt expect you to automatically say yes. She was offering to help in return.

We always hear posters moaning on here about the difficulty of being a working mother but god forbid somebody try and suggest what could've been a mutually beneficial arrangement for some people.

“Mutually beneficial“ - not really. What is being asked is 1hr 30 babysitting during the hectic morning routine with three other very young children around. What is being offered in return is doing the school pick up for one extra child when the mum doing the asking will be going there to pick her own child up anyway and lives close by. Hardly an equitable exchange.

Another persons child arriving at 7.15am would be enough to send me over the edge! Personally I think it’s very wrong of her to ask and you are right to say no. I wouldn’t feel bad when you next see her I’d just say ‘Sorry I can’t help you out, but I’m teetering on the brink of a breakdown most mornings, my 8 month old is up every hour and my DH leaves the house at 6am, so I’m already one pair of hands down, I couldn’t cope with 4 children on my own and get to work for 9am. Hope you sort it out though, right gotta go, my boss bollocked me yesterday for being late. Bye!’

Yeah, but if OP was usually up at that time anyway it might be a worthwhile trade to exchange a pick up for taking another child on a journey they were going to do anyway. Most people don't get to chill till 8am every morning.

I said yes, spent a year doing it and regretted it. It upset the balance between my daughters who got on perfectly well when it was just them, but add the older ones friend, and they ‘left out’ the little one. Then the younger one played up.

It’s a no from me! Good luck

Thanks all. I am feeling more confident in my decision now and completely didn't even think of additional circumstances - someone is sick, school holidays etc.

I quite like doing the pick up because it forces me to stop work at a decent time,otherwise I'd just carry on.

hope she finds an alternative. The breakfast club doesn't start until 8am.

Women debating and saying no is not ‘ugliness’. This shaming of women for being firm has to to stop.

OP sounds pretty sorted, it’s better she doesn’t rely on the other mum for favours if it means OP agreeing to early morning childcare that doesn’t suit OP.

I’m sure there are others OP can rely on for the odd favour.

You seem to have misunderstood my comment.

I think OP is right to say no, and (while I understand why she does), don’t think she needs to feel bad about it.

But I also don’t think that means the other mom was out of line or a “cheeky fucker” to politely ask. It’s the attitude of some posters here towards the other mom that I object to.

Most people are just trying to reassure OP of the same (that it was ok to say no), that’s not ‘ugliness’. I agree, the other mum isn’t a cheeky fucker but I think she should have looked at OP’s situation and realised adding a fourth child to the mix is too much to ask in stressful mornings.

What was ugliness was @ZippyGoose calling OP lazy for sleeping in until 8am after being up with a waking baby at night.

Yes, most people are just trying to reassure the OP. some (not most, not all) were judging the other mom for asking, and that’s what I was addressing in my original comment.

Moms should be encouraged to ask for help AND to say no when something is too much. We shouldn’t be shaming or judging either.

Not unreasonable at all, on either part.
Just curious to know, how you manage to get up at 8 and then get children ready and into school by 8.45, that really is amazing.

Exactly this!

I'm surprised she asked tbh given she presumably knows you have three kids including a baby.

Of course it's fine to say no.

Her partner can change his work hours, they can pay for a childminder. She can negotiate with her employer or look for a more suitable job. She can ask a family member to help. There are so many options that do not include imposing a toddler on another family so early in the morning, week in and week out.

i am amazed she asked you. I would be very wary op, she is likely to come back with more requests for holiday care. She sounds at best indifferent to your circumstances, and at worst really quite brazen. I would distance myself, or all of her childcare issues will become your problem.

Mums should be encouraged to ask for help from the right people, i.e. husbands/partners, family, appropriate agencies.

Not other mums with 3 young kids, one a baby, with an out of home job!

You don’t sound like a person that helps anyone but yourself. It’s weird you take such a hard line despite the friend’s request being so utterly unreasonable in the first place.

It is a 3,year old, not a 10 year older old. Toddlers require a lot of care.

Honestly I just think some parents are deluded and CFs. Op, choose friends that care about you, don’t ask for outlandish childcare arrangements, and seemingly do not care about the impact on you and your children. Time to toughen up, because there are always a handful of these types trying to avoid paying for proper childcare by using other mothers as free labour.

It’s not just “taking another child on a journey they were going to do anyway” (although that’s all that’s being offered in return). It’s asking for 1.5 hours babysitting of a 3yo during a busy time with three other young children around- completely different.

I’ll help absolutely anyone until that person refuses to help me when I’m stuck. Then sorry but no I won’t help anymore.

Definitely do what's best for you. However, the child may turn out to be utterly delightful, and if she were a friend of my daughter's, I'd probably still say yes, because this might be something her family really needs, to survive in these difficult times.

Yes, I think it’s fair. It’s fine to say no, but it was supposed to be a fair exchange.

On another thread people were complaining about mums not making enough effort to ‘create a village’, so obviously there are a large number who would see this type of request as fine and actively encourage it.