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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said no to this mum?

248 replies

mamabeeboo · 14/03/2024 13:49

DD, 3yo has a best friend at nursery, who also lives close by to us. I've spoken with the mum here and there on pick up, general friendly chit-chat about the traffic, the weather, potty training etc. she seems friendly enough. She recently got a new job.

I have two other DC, including an 8 month old who's not the best sleeper. DCs know to stay in bed until 8am so I can rest as much as I can before the school run, and a long day of work. (DH works 6am-2pm so he's already out of the house), so it's just me trying to be on time for school which starts at 8.45am and rush to work at 9am.

I missed her call, but she texted me asking if she could drop off her DD at ours each Monday at 7.15am, as she needs to be at work at 8am. She's happy to pick up DD and drop her home after school in exchange. I said no, with the reasons above, but am now starting to feel bad, what if she has no other alternative, what if she has to turn down the job, it's only 1 day a week etc.

Another part of me thinks that I have 3 kids to deal with, without a 4th arriving before we are even awake, and having to entertain her DD for 1hr 30 mins before school starts, every Monday?!

AIBU?
YABU - I should just do a favour
YANBU - I have enough on my plate

OP posts:
Chevybaby · 14/03/2024 21:06

I think as mothers we all need to get better at asking for help and better at saying no. With this in mind I don't think its unreasonable that she asked and I think its perfectly reasonable if you say no

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/03/2024 21:08

Lighttodark · 14/03/2024 18:55

YANBU at all! No is a perfectly fine response.

getting 3 kids out the house in 45 mins is impressive/surprising. Are the kids happy esp the one at school? I think mine would hate it!

@Lighttodark

why would they hate it?

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/03/2024 21:12

ZippyGoose · 14/03/2024 20:39

I do wrangle multiple young kids. That’s why I get up early. No way would I leave small children shut in their rooms to treat myself to a daily lie in until 8am!

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@ZippyGoose

why not? They can doze or read their books or whatever

whatkatydid2014 · 14/03/2024 21:15

It’s fine to say it doesn’t work for you and if I were your friend the fact you had said no about this wouldn’t make me say no to doing other more ad hoc helping each other out.
If she were asking as a one off for a favour I’d be inclined to say you should do it as it’s that sort of lending a hand that helps create your “village” but regular commitments to have other people’s kids as well as your own to deal with can be a lot and it’s only something you should say yes to if it works well for you both.
On the whole I’d be more willing to offer to pick up really

NotLoud1 · 14/03/2024 21:19

You’d end up regretting it in the long term and maybe resent it. Sunday nights every week you’d be thinking about it.
It’s fine to say no to people and not be obliged IMO.

Wetblanket78 · 14/03/2024 21:34

mamabeeboo · 14/03/2024 16:12

Gro clock.

They might be up earlier but they lie in bed reading/ 3yo singing, playing with teddies etc. They know to stay there until I get them. 3yo also still naps, so doesn't go to bed until 9pm, which means she doesn't wake until gone 7.45am most days anyway.

8mo can easily sleep until 8am, especially since he's so tired from being up the whole night 😂

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My autistic son was obsessed with his grow clock. Didn't help him stay in bed any longer he just liked the face on it.🤣🤣🤣

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 14/03/2024 21:41

mamabeeboo · 14/03/2024 16:14

I just don't really know what to do or say when seeing her every evening on pick up, it just feels quite awkward, and I feel like I've ruined any option to ask for any smaller favours. I don't know.

I wouldn’t say anything. She asked, you answered.

Do you walk to nursery? If you drive could you, and she, even fit another car seat in your cars?
that was my polite get out when someone asked me recently. I’d have said no regardless as it doesn’t work for me, but that seemed less blunt

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 14/03/2024 21:44

Sounds like it will not work for you and she is looking a long term arrangement. What if you or your kids are sick? The child is very young to add to the mix of what are obv already fairly hectic mornings for you and what if she throws a massive tantrum thats a lot to deal with.. what has she arranged for school holidays? These arrangements usually end up being stretched and taken advantage of. If you feel minded too you could say you are unable to commit to a regular arrangement but in an emergency happy to help occasionally?

Ledci · 14/03/2024 21:44

I wouldn't dream of asking someone if I could drop my child off at 7.15am! Especially on a Monday, that is the day we all struggle to get up so our wake time is usually later than other days.
My answer simply would have been "sorry but we aren't even awake at that time so it won't work for us. Hope you manage to sort something"

mn29 · 14/03/2024 21:45

Absolutely not. Yanbu to say no.

JMSA · 14/03/2024 21:49

It's fine for her to ask and it's fine for you to say no.
Some people on here have a very strange and bitter attitude to favour-asking though.

SpringSprungALeak · 14/03/2024 21:53

Autumcolors · 14/03/2024 13:55

This is something where she should have asked to meet you. It’s not a text request.

@Autumcolors

that's very dictatorial.

It might be what you'd prefer, but that doesn't mean it's THE way or right for everyone.

I, for example, would much rather be asked by text

Bellsandthistle · 14/03/2024 21:53

Some of the responses on here are a bit over the top and are why some of us find it so difficult to ask for help when we’re struggling.
Of course you can say no, but she’s not unreasonable for asking, especially if she offered to do pick-up.
If a woman was on here asking for advice on how she could manage the one day school drop off she couldn’t do because of her job and she had no ‘village’ to help, many would suggest doing exactly what she did. You said no, it’s fine. Hopefully she can find an alternative.

Teenagehorrorbag · 14/03/2024 22:00

No way! Don't blame her for asking but I was like you - got up as late as possible to do the school run! Not a chance I'd have made that an hour earlier to help someone out, unless they were family or a really close friend. Sleep is so important.....

You may feel guilty when you see her at the gates but she should have made proper plans before taking this job. It's awful for her, but not your issue.

feelingfree17 · 14/03/2024 22:03

I really don’t think you need anything else thrown in to the mix. Enough with your own

SuperstarDeejay · 14/03/2024 22:07

Just she just have the one child? I'm guessing she doesn't understand the pressures of getting 3 ready and what a 4th would do to your finely tuned routine.

When chatting to her next I'd hype that part up. How you'd love to have helped but with the baby, the other two... just go on and on about the chaos and stress involved! (Even though I can see that you are actually well organised, but she doesn't need to know that.) She will eventually get the idea that you really weren't the best person to ask.

Upinthenightagain · 14/03/2024 22:09

I’ve had the same request and said no in the past.

AGoingConcern · 14/03/2024 22:10

When chatting to her next I'd hype that part up. How you'd love to have helped but with the baby, the other two... just go on and on about the chaos and stress involved! (Even though I can see that you are actually well organised, but she doesn't need to know that.) She will eventually get the idea that you really weren't the best person to ask.

This feels like overkill that is most likely to just make her feel guilty for asking. Doesn't seem necessary to do that.

ilovesushi · 14/03/2024 22:12

No way Jose! That is a really cheeky ask. It is an absolute mission getting little ones up, ready and out of the house in the morning. You don't need another child added to the mix. Nope. No. No way.

SuperstarDeejay · 14/03/2024 22:14

AGoingConcern · 14/03/2024 22:10

When chatting to her next I'd hype that part up. How you'd love to have helped but with the baby, the other two... just go on and on about the chaos and stress involved! (Even though I can see that you are actually well organised, but she doesn't need to know that.) She will eventually get the idea that you really weren't the best person to ask.

This feels like overkill that is most likely to just make her feel guilty for asking. Doesn't seem necessary to do that.

Well, you are a kinder and more empathetic person than I am. I personally think the woman could reflect a bit on why she would even ask someone with so much on their plate, knowing they'll feel awkward and a bit guilty themselves for having to say no.

MiniPumpkin · 14/03/2024 22:16

Yanbu. I have very close friends, we all have kids of same age, same school. Live nearby But we all have busy lives, juggling things and more than one child each. We could do this sort of thing but we don’t, as we all have enough on plate with 2 kids each.
we do however help each other in an emergency or if someone is for example held back in traffic and can’t make it on time for pick up
i wouldn’t agree if I was you

AGoingConcern · 14/03/2024 22:20

SuperstarDeejay · 14/03/2024 22:14

Well, you are a kinder and more empathetic person than I am. I personally think the woman could reflect a bit on why she would even ask someone with so much on their plate, knowing they'll feel awkward and a bit guilty themselves for having to say no.

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Not going to disagree with your first sentence I guess. If you think moms should be shamed and made to feel guilty for politely asking another mom whether a reciprocal setup could work for them then we have different values.

Seeleyboo · 14/03/2024 22:26

Just reading you get up at 8 to be at school by 8.45 stresses me out. How do you organise 3 kids and yourself with getting dressed and washed and breakfast etc. Gahhhhh

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/03/2024 22:33

Seeleyboo · 14/03/2024 22:26

Just reading you get up at 8 to be at school by 8.45 stresses me out. How do you organise 3 kids and yourself with getting dressed and washed and breakfast etc. Gahhhhh

I know right! I need to put some makeup on for work so would never manage. Kudos to op

Letstrythatagaineh · 14/03/2024 22:37

Goodness no!
Mornings and that last bit of stolen sleep are absolutely SACRED!!!!

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