My DH doesn't want to go on holiday

[lul37]

I'm at my wits end with my DH...
We moved back from living abroad a few years ago, and I have found it very difficult adjusting to life back in UK with the cold and rainy weather, cost of living, etc...
Prior to our move back I told him that I would need lots of holidays to compensate for the lack of warmth and sunshine -and even have it saved on record in case he denies it
We went on just one holiday last year (but it was to DisneyWorld so it's expensive, I understand), and one holiday only the year before.
This year I am struggling to get him to even book anything for the summer hols, so that we can get a good deal before the schools close. I told him I would love to visit NYC and explore it for a week, or I'm open to other places if he wants to suggest?
He keeps brushing it off or complaining that it's expensive, so we haven't booked anything yet. I'm studying at uni full time at the moment and he's the main breadwinner so it's not like I can go on my own. We barely go out in the UK although I travel often to visit my mom abroad but I don't consider that a family holiday because I'm on my own without my DH and DSS.
I just feel like ever since we moved back, he doesn't want to go out or do anything -save for going for dinner at his mom's place every weekend.
AIBU expecting him to want to plan a holiday with me so that we can go somewhere as a family in the summer?

You are going away to see your mum, where I assume it’s a warmer climate, win! So it’s not like your not going anywhere.
I think a week in nyc to explore would be very very expensive, that is unreasonable. If you want to continue this then why don’t you look at somewhere cheaper…

Nope we supported each other when out of work..

why isn’t he honouring your initial agreement, to travel more. Did you make actual plans for budget and costs, given your new location and related expenses. Were they realistic?

is your husbands reason for not wanting to travel more, cost related?

If he is reluctant to travel due to costs and you have both looked at your numbers on a spreadsheet thoroughly, then I would say you’d be wise to not push it until you are working.

If your husband does not want to travel because he does not feel like it, but you do actually have the money for it, then find someone else to go with, or go alone.

Are "your boys" your stepsons, or your own children?

Hi OP, I do get how you feel, I moved to the UK from a hot country and the winters are killer, I get SAD and it really affects me. DH is British and doesn't have the same desperate need to see the sun.

But we both work for non profits so flying long haul is an occasional rare treat which we save up for. It is very affordable to take a car on a ferry or Eurotunnel to France, and French campsites are fantastic with swimming pools, water parks etc. We love our tent but cabins are an option if you can pay a bit more.

So I get my sunshine on a tight budget. A return journey on the Eurotunnel is £360 for the whole family.

Missing the sun and heat is a real thing. I use a SAD lamp every morning during winter here, it really helps with the lack of strong light, and might help keep you going between holidays! I've never tried a sauna for the heat (too embarrassed about body) but wet and dry heat rooms may also help.

"Also as mentioned, the deeper issue here really is he's never given me access to his bank account leaving me needing to ask him for money if I ever 'want' something."

Whoah, just saw this. Big red flag. A SAD lamp isnt going to help with that one. Is wives having no financial access / control common in Egypt?

I think you are being perfectly reasonable @lul37 . It was part of the deal when you moved here and should be stuck to.

Being at university doesn’t mean you’re an idle princess, and you’ll be able to earn after that. This site is mad sometimes

@Garlicking yes I have no access to 'family money' except via him. But it's funny I always thought it might be fair that it's this way since he paid for everything, and the money I brought in paid for what I personally needed such as haircuts or clothes, for example, or days out with the kids, etc..

@SkaterGrrrrl I like the idea of the campsites in France -they sound fun!! I will look into it. Do you think they are suitable for older children/teens?

@Sarah123M does your SAD lamp really help? I'll try anything if it will help me get thru the dark and cold winters here..

@Findinganewme I think this is the real issue here.. he can clearly see how upset I am about the move back, and that I'm clearly unhappy here, but is not even bothering to put in the effort to try to do something about it, or honor what he promised by booking a holiday. I'm the one who has to go up to him and ask him to book, and then wait and see if he will agree to it or not? Then wait to see if he will even bother to book it because I don't have access to money right now to book anything myself.

Anyhow thankfully this is only a temporary situation, and once I'm back to work I'll get some financial independence although I doubt we will ever get to a point where we share a joint bank account .

@ApiratesaysYarrr yes they are mine.

Thank you @TwistedCable I like to keep my promises too, especially in important decisions. So it hurts me when he shows he doesn't care or put in the effort. Like many have said here, after I'm back working I will sit down with him and agree that we set a reasonable holiday budget' which we both stick to, so at least booking holidays will stop being such a struggle.

French campsites with activities for teens:

https://www.eurocamp.co.uk/holiday-types/your-party/teenagers

I have a teen and a tween and they love activities at French campsites - football, archery, discos, paddle boarding etc etc

I think the issue is that you don’t have communication on finances. He has the finances but you also cannot see what part of that is disposabLe income and which is needed.

for example food costs are high, eating o it is high, taxes on top 2% is high and as are any taxes flying out of the uk.

but he has renegade on his promises too by moving the family back to a high tax country and he hasn’t made that clear.

finances are hard and even harder if you don’t work as a team about it

Yeah I think you should go alone, unless it
Isn’t really about the holidays.

Seriously OP, that is financial abuse. You are a family, all money has to be shared.
Can't believe women exist in these relationships

Why don't you go somewhere closer in Europe if you are just looking for better weather? NYC isn't really somewhere you go for sunshine. Europe is cheaper and go on your own if he won't come although if you don't have any income and he won't pay that is tricky. If you go to Egypt. To visit family that is a holiday.

Getting some serious red flags from you love. When you start earning money you can book holidays where you want instead of mooching off your husband and it would appear your mother also..

My partner is French, family live there. I don't like visiting for a few reasons, but we do twice a year. Summer & xmas, however I never see it as a holiday, and we have a family holiday every year too. Our kids are 15 months and 2.5yrs

I was thinking to suggest next year (& if not certainly the year after), that he takes them for a week on his own. Better quality time with parents/grandparents as I don't like sitting around, so we're only sitting around with them 3 or maybe 4 days out of the week. I'd actually go on a non kid friendly adventure holiday with friends at the same time, which I've been missing! Love my rock climbing and mountain adventures

No it's not HIS money , it's their money. They are a married couple and yes discussions should go on about large purchases but saying she has no say in how the money is spent is ridiculous ! Why the hell would anyone want to live like that?

OP 98k is not that much when considering annual holidays to places like Orlando or New York in the summer holidays.
My estimate of your husband’s take home pay is about £5.3k per month (assuming he pays into pension). Your flat is 2k , so he has 3.2k for all bills, transport, food, everything else. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had nothing or less than1k left every month.
4 people going to Walt Disney World is £10-15K.
New York in the summer for 4 people £6-8k ?
I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband is already in debt and putting things on a credit card. He sounds stressed if he’s quoting finances even when considering going out for a meal.

We are on more than double your dh’s salary and we budget very carefully for transatlantic holidays.