My DH doesn't want to go on holiday

[lul37]

I'm at my wits end with my DH...
We moved back from living abroad a few years ago, and I have found it very difficult adjusting to life back in UK with the cold and rainy weather, cost of living, etc...
Prior to our move back I told him that I would need lots of holidays to compensate for the lack of warmth and sunshine -and even have it saved on record in case he denies it
We went on just one holiday last year (but it was to DisneyWorld so it's expensive, I understand), and one holiday only the year before.
This year I am struggling to get him to even book anything for the summer hols, so that we can get a good deal before the schools close. I told him I would love to visit NYC and explore it for a week, or I'm open to other places if he wants to suggest?
He keeps brushing it off or complaining that it's expensive, so we haven't booked anything yet. I'm studying at uni full time at the moment and he's the main breadwinner so it's not like I can go on my own. We barely go out in the UK although I travel often to visit my mom abroad but I don't consider that a family holiday because I'm on my own without my DH and DSS.
I just feel like ever since we moved back, he doesn't want to go out or do anything -save for going for dinner at his mom's place every weekend.
AIBU expecting him to want to plan a holiday with me so that we can go somewhere as a family in the summer?

@Vonesk

calm yourself Hun! Plenty of people like to travel with their spouse , it’s not that deep

To be fair I am not struggling financially in any way. He has always paid all the bills, or anything needed for the kids, and while I was working I paid for all the little 'luxuries' that ppl here are mentioning like my clothes and cosmetics, etc..

BUT what is bothering me now is that while I'm not working he is showing me that he has the upper hand in decisions like holidays -which he knows are important to me and that I agreed to move back to UK on the basis we would go on holidays once we returned. Otherwise knowing what I do now, I would not have agreed and would have stayed put because I was content where we lived abroad. But I felt bad that he hated his job over there.

Also as mentioned, the deeper issue here really is he's never given me access to his bank account leaving me needing to ask him for money if I ever 'want' something.

And he never wants to do anything 'fun' or go out anywhere in the weekends because it would involve spending money which he doesn't think is necessary. He has always been this way but it never bothered me because I had the money from work myself.

When we first got married, he was really encouraging me to get any job -which I thought back then was good considering our cultural background, but while the kids were young and I worked part time, he was always pushing me to go back to work full-time ASAP, and I remember once he absolutely HATED when I suggested I wanted to be a SAHM.

I do agree with everyone who pointed out that NYC is too expensive if I'm not working. I still really want to oneday, hopefully when I'm back working.

I do agree with everyone who pointed out that NYC is too expensive if I'm not working. I still really want to oneday, hopefully when I'm back working.

NYC is an amazing but expensive place. I've been 3 times; the first time we stayed with relatives of MIL in Long Island and travelled in (we left 2 year old DD1 with grandparents and ended up staying 4 days longer than planned after 2 feet of snow fell the night before we were due to fly home), the second time BIL lived in The Bronx, and the third time we had a day trip from BIL's home in Connecticut.

I’d say if you’re not earning, and you’re still getting to visit your family, then you’re probably using the ‘budget’ that would allow a family holiday.

Travel costs, have increased exponentially in recent years so I understand his reluctance to book something else.

Might I suggest perhaps a compromise by reducing the frequency of trips to your family, and look at a smaller cost family holiday?

You can’t really call that. You don’t know what their outgoings look like vs their income. He may be concerned about the stability of his job/income. They may have little in saving. The list goes on.

As a rule, the greater one’s income, the greater one’s outgoings are. And on one salary, that can be a big burden (be that financially/emotionally)

Tldr but entitled much!

BUT what is bothering me now is that while I'm not working he is showing me that he has the upper hand in decisions like holidays

Of course he does.

If he’s the only one working and he’s paying all of the bills and everything for you, him and the kids, then he is going to have more say over the finances because he knows about them.

Surely you must have realised that when you stopped working, money would be tighter and certain luxuries may have to be stopped or reduced.

The cost of living has gone up and so although your money was just your own when you were working, his money won’t be stretching as far now.

Once you become a 2 income household again, then you’ll be able to afford more things.

But this just isn't true.

If you have a healthy relationship with a working partner and a SAHP, both will have equal say as to finances. Neither should feel entitled to make unilateral decisions as to spending without consulting the other. Money should be allocated as a family.

@ACuriousHare Well it's quite obvious now that our relationship has never been healthy' if I have absolutely no idea how much he ends up with at the end of every month after paying the bills? I know he's on £98k because I saw it on the rental contract when we signed it. And I know we pay 2K per month for the house. And that's it.

Of course I'm going to look ridiculous and naive suggesting a trip to New York thinking we can afford it when I don't know how much if he puts aside if he never wants to discuss our finances.

He needs to involve me the household finances if only to observe and I have told him to many times.

Do you know how expensive those bloody holidays are 😂

Get a job and go alone

They went from a 2 income household to now a 1 income household.

Of course things are going to be much tighter and if they can’t afford it, then they can’t afford it.

As OP has never paid any of the bills or stuff for the kids etc, then she is going to have less knowledge and therefore say, on how much the money goes each month.

What the fuck? It's family money!

He agreed before moving back here, now he's reneging.

OP's mother's paying for her to visit in Egypt; looks like the DH is just basically stingy. And boring, with his refusal to take family trips in the UK as well.

Does he control all the family money, @lul37 ?

I agree with this, OP. Whether one or both of you is working, in a good relationship decision making about finances should be shared. Just because your DH is currently the sole earner, that does not mean that he should shut you out of the finances. You should still have your own money that you are able to spend without having to ask him for every little thing. It sounds like he doesn't see you as an equal partnership at all. It's not relevant that you are currently studying - that was presumably decided between you as the best thing for your family. It doesn't change the fact that if you were an equal partnership you and he would have visibility and joint decision making about money, whoever is earning it.

Exactly. I’m shocked by some of the responses ‘it’s his money isn’t it’ and similar. Wow.
I‘ve worked my whole adult life save for 12 months maternity for each of my two kids. However I was made redundant during covid and as my kids were still relatively young we decided it made sense financially and otherwise for me to be a SAHM for a couple of years. Yet now I’m told I shouldn’t have expected a family holiday because I wasn’t working or ‘contributing’ and it’s his money to do with as he pleases.

@stoptryingtomakefetchhappen Mad isn't it. Imagine watching the person you love spending what they want and you struggling to buy a coffee or kids clothes etc.
How doesn't it give the biggest ick and resentment. I would feel so unequal.
I had time out of work and so did he, we shared the family pot. If you're not an equal team then what's the point?

And being given an "allowance" yuck yuck.

You’ve totally missed the issue. The issue is that she has no access or visibility into their finances which means he is controlling and it u frankly financial abuse.

if the issue is that they cannot afford the holiday fine, but they should be discussing it together and agreeing a budget together and that way they are both on the same page on what they can and cannot afford.

what he is doing is dictating to her and you expect her to just accept what he says when she doesn’t even know anything about what he is spending his money on.

If the issue is finances then he should not have promised the annual vacation and more importantly if things have changed then an adult conversation is the way to go with transparency not we’re not going because I says so and that’s it.

This is wrong I can’t even believe women have views like this. So you’re saying if a woman stops working to look after kids she should be cut off from the family finances and do whatever her husband says and agrees to?

if things are tight then have an adult conversation which will include going through the family budget which will make clear shag they can and cannot afford. Are you really justifying her husband keeping his finances a secret from her?

@IReallyStillCantBeBothered shocking isn't it. I managed the finances when I was SAHM but both had equal say.
Equal partners = better relationship

He’s on nearly £100k and he is vetoing a family holiday 😵‍💫 what does he plan to do with his annual leave, and why is he closed to the idea of a family break overseas? If you don’t already do this, agree an annual budget for family holidays. It might be low this year/until you have completed yours studies but he is BU by putting a unilateral foot down.

Why is your mum paying for your visits when you have money between you and your high income dh? Isn't that embarrassing?

I would definitely try to persuade him to do the odd days and weekends away in the uk as well as a holiday. Take your dss by yourself around the uk. There are some amazing places to visit.

Ask him for a budget for a holiday then you know what you have to work with.

Ask him for a budget for a holiday then you know what you have to work with.

Again this is so wrong, she should not be asking him for a budget for holidays, they should both be working on and agree a budget together not she asking him and dictating a budget to her.

I think your eyes have been opened. What if you said casually ‘you know I only moved her because you promised holidays. I’m starting to think I will finish studying and move the boys and I back to <previous country> you can book some holidays if you want to visit us. This life isn’t working for me - not only holidays but we don’t get fun either, you block all suggestions. If you don’t want to do things with us, then I guess you won’t miss us when we’re gone.’

@Codlingmoths

If OP were seriously to consider doing this she's better off not mentioning it to her husband but make her arrangements very discreetly. I don't think Egypt is signed up to The Hague Convention but OP may also want to consider legal advice. 🌹

So when a man earns it is family money? But a woman it is her money?