My DH doesn't want to go on holiday

[lul37]

I'm at my wits end with my DH...
We moved back from living abroad a few years ago, and I have found it very difficult adjusting to life back in UK with the cold and rainy weather, cost of living, etc...
Prior to our move back I told him that I would need lots of holidays to compensate for the lack of warmth and sunshine -and even have it saved on record in case he denies it
We went on just one holiday last year (but it was to DisneyWorld so it's expensive, I understand), and one holiday only the year before.
This year I am struggling to get him to even book anything for the summer hols, so that we can get a good deal before the schools close. I told him I would love to visit NYC and explore it for a week, or I'm open to other places if he wants to suggest?
He keeps brushing it off or complaining that it's expensive, so we haven't booked anything yet. I'm studying at uni full time at the moment and he's the main breadwinner so it's not like I can go on my own. We barely go out in the UK although I travel often to visit my mom abroad but I don't consider that a family holiday because I'm on my own without my DH and DSS.
I just feel like ever since we moved back, he doesn't want to go out or do anything -save for going for dinner at his mom's place every weekend.
AIBU expecting him to want to plan a holiday with me so that we can go somewhere as a family in the summer?

While I agree that it may be possible he is feeling the strain being the only earner, I don’t agree with your statement: “and therefore if he says it's too expensive, then it's too expensive”

Irrespective of if she is earning now or not this is a decision they make together by going through their finances and agreeing a budget which will make clear what they can afford to spend on holiday. He dictating because he is the only earner “for now” is not the right approach at all.

I agree that you need to sit together and go through the finances.
Budget for holidays together depending on how your finances are stacking up.

YANBU to want to go on holiday (finances permitting)
YABU to expect him to come too if he doesn’t enjoy holidays

Go with your dc, go with friends, go on your own.

And NYC is not fun in the summer

I don't understand the backlash you are getting to be honest. On every other thread you will get told all money is family money, but here everyone is saying that the OP doesn't get a say in anything.

Obviously you should sit down with your husband, look at your finances and agree together a spending budget for holidays.

Some people don't like holidays and don't feel any benefit from them, quite the opposite.

Holidays can be expensive, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and not everyone enjoys them.
Some people who work outside the home will find it more relaxing to spend time at home.
Was home-sickness one of the reasons for your partner wanting to move back to the UK?
If so, that will certainly be a factor why they don't want to holiday abroad.

This is may be a fundamental difference between you that will require compromise and not forcing the issue based on having recorded someone saying it would be OK.

I think resorting to having recorded the partner having agreed to holidays is unreasonable. People reserve the right to change their mind, as do you.

NYC is a big holiday! Why don't you suggest something more modest like a week somewhere in Europe. Lots of us holiday in the UK, there's lots to see here too.

No I'm on a student loan so he doesn't have to pay for uni

In one post you claim he is in the top 2% of earners. How exactly are you getting a student loan in that case? Your household income should take you above being able to get anything bar the absolute minimum. He certainly is supporting you financially.

You say ‘Mom’ - are you American, which is why you want to spend holidays there with family? If so that’s understandable but I don’t think your DH is the one being unreasonable here.

I consider myself middle class but still, Disneyworld/a week exploring NYC would be a once in a lifetime holiday for me and most people I know, not a regular family holiday.

My DH is American, and at present the only earner for reasons I’m not going to go into. He visits his now elderly parents in the US for two weeks every year on his own and we go on one UK holiday together, if we can be bothered to book something. Due to his parents age I’ve started encouraging him to go more often and put holidays for me on the back burner for now. Its the right thing to do.

As a student being supported by DH I certainly wouldn’t dream of demanding transatlantic holidays to make up for having to live in the UK, dreary as it can be. YABU. If you can afford to do so without putting stress on the household finances, visit your mother on your own.

And forgive me, but I don’t believe your DH is in the top 2% of earners, if he were this would not be an issue, you wouldn’t have a student loan, and you wouldn’t be moaning on mumsnet.

Your DH sounds miserly to me OP. I'd be annoyed too if I'd moved away from my family, friends and the sun on the promise that we'd get holidays in the sun to make up for it, and then didn't.

As a pp has said, you've been manipulated into doing what he wanted, and now he's gone back on his promise.

I'm also surprised by how many posters are saying it's his money, not family money. Not in my world it isn't and you should keep an eye out for his miserliness tipping over into financial abuse.

There is something in what you say there, many years ago when my ex was in a fairly pressurised job with lots of travel and I was doing a PhD (mostly from home) and doing most of the house and children stuff, I was way keener to do more elaborate/interesting holidays - not luxurious necessarily because that's of limited interest to me but I definitely didn't want to potter around in a facsimile of my life at home. Compromise is key here and if you can't OP maybe you just have to holiday separately and mostly pay for those holidays yourself. What you are suggesting are all wildly expensive holidays, it'd be one thing for your husband to suck it up and go on/pay for holidays he wasn't mad on if they were modest. It would definitely be unreasonable to expect him to pay for 10k plus holidays he didn't want..

NYC is insanely expensive these days and horribly humid in the summer.

But it sounds to me as though your husband is either a) a miser or b) worried about money. My bet is the latter. You don't say where you are living in the UK but the average rent for a 3 bed house in SE UK before bills is around £2k. Potentially a lot more. Bills, food and clothing, a bit of savings and a decent income will be eaten up in no time. Especially if you have no clue what you're spending?

You don't sound like you have a clue as to how your finances work and you sound like an entitled teenager. You're married, sit down with your husband and have an adult conversation about what can be afforded and then go and do the leg work to find something that works, or to reduce other outgoings to save more for holidays.

Maybe it’s the wrong sort of holiday? If he is the sole earner, and earning well, he is probably working pretty hard, and being the sole earner and responsible for the family is stressful. So perhaps DH would prefer the thought of a relaxing ( and less expensive) holiday with plenty of lying down and doing nothing to trailing about NYC in the humid heat, or indeed queuing his way around a load of children’s rides.

I told him that I would need lots of holidays

Is your DH allowed time off from his work for lots of holidays

Having 3 DC between you and him being the main bread winner must be a bit of a concern for him. Cost of living in the UK vs living abroad can be totally different.

Miserly? You must be having a laugh. In the last number of years he has supported his wife not earning, her going on multiple trips abroad to her mums (on which I doubt she goes without spending money at least) and a couple of very expensive family holidays (or at least one to Disney, I can't remember if there was a second or where it was to). He sounds at worst careful, certainly not miserly.

I think YABU . Your OP says you moved to the UK a few years ago, so you probably moved here before the cost of living crisis hit, soaring energy bills, food prices etc and your DH is the sole earner. It's put a lot of pressure on families and holidays are very much a luxury.

Disneyworld is so expensive too and now you are suggesting New York, another expensive place. You obviously can't contribute whilst you are studying so why not suggest somewhere in Europe that will be much more affordable and still warm in the summer?

You also get trips to Egypt that your mum pays for, do you not class that not a holiday? It would be to me.

I think your post will rub people up the wrong way as many people struggle to even put food on the table. Sorry OP, but you do sound a little entitled from this thread. On the flip side, it does sound like your H earns a lot of money, and you would think a holiday wouldn't be out of reach.. I wonder if there is more to.it? Does he have any debt, mortgage, private school fees for example, or could he gamble? Whilst he earns a lot, it doesn't necessarily means he has a lot of cash in the bank.

Just go on your own. Or with a friend.

I feel for your husband.

The issue I find is that he doesn't want to discuss any sort of finances with me, this has always been the case, although I have found us the cheapest deals for past holidays. So I will happily accept if he thinks New York is too expensive this year, how about he suggests somewhere like Turkey instead for example? But he doesn't want to offer an alternative or discuss anything like that. When we first got married he never wanted us to have a joint bank account which I thought was strange, but it never bothered me that much until now because we were both working pre-kids. But now that we have two children and I'm studying it's really come to the surface that he hates spending money on anything that isn't essential.

How are you getting a student loan if he’s earning so much? Or does spouse income not count? I thought it did

I cannot remember as I applied a while ago so could be he was on a different income back then. I don't think I was even asked for my partners' income? I am a British citizen now so don't know if that made a difference.

The basic rate of student loan isn’t dependent on anyone else’s income.

The tuition fees are available for everyone but I thought the maintenance loan was means tested. My point being that I don’t think OP’s studying costs are being covered by her loan.

OP he’s clearly tight, and you’re a princess, so it’s going to be struggle to make it work until you are financially independent.

After you latest post I think you have bigger issues than a lack of holidays. I think it's a red flag that he don't discuss his finances with you when you are married.

Book something for October half term, it will be cheaper and you are much less likely to encounter the ridiculous hot weather that is probably on its way for places like Greece again. Also, it's later in the year, so he might have FOMO from all his colleagues going on holiday by then and agree to go!