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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH doesn't want to go on holiday

195 replies

lul37 · 14/03/2024 11:38

I'm at my wits end with my DH...
We moved back from living abroad a few years ago, and I have found it very difficult adjusting to life back in UK with the cold and rainy weather, cost of living, etc...
Prior to our move back I told him that I would need lots of holidays to compensate for the lack of warmth and sunshine -and even have it saved on record in case he denies it Grin
We went on just one holiday last year (but it was to DisneyWorld so it's expensive, I understand), and one holiday only the year before.
This year I am struggling to get him to even book anything for the summer hols, so that we can get a good deal before the schools close. I told him I would love to visit NYC and explore it for a week, or I'm open to other places if he wants to suggest?
He keeps brushing it off or complaining that it's expensive, so we haven't booked anything yet. I'm studying at uni full time at the moment and he's the main breadwinner so it's not like I can go on my own. We barely go out in the UK although I travel often to visit my mom abroad but I don't consider that a family holiday because I'm on my own without my DH and DSS.
I just feel like ever since we moved back, he doesn't want to go out or do anything -save for going for dinner at his mom's place every weekend.
AIBU expecting him to want to plan a holiday with me so that we can go somewhere as a family in the summer?

OP posts:
Clearinguptheclutter · 14/03/2024 12:43

ps if we were going to Disney World/orlando I know exactly how much that costs so I wouldn’t expect much of a holiday at all the years preceding and following!

your expectations re New York are ridiculous- it’s so expensive right now!
see if he’d agree to a UK cottage holiday. Some of our best holidays have been UK based.

pickytube · 14/03/2024 12:43

Pick cheaper holidays.

MrsAvocet · 14/03/2024 12:44

I do have some sympathy for you OP, or more specifically for your children. You're periodically jetting off to Egypt without them and it sounds like your DH is happy with staying at home and visiting his mother at weekends, but I don't think it's unreasonable to have a family holiday for the kids more than anything else. Even in the current economic climate I'd expect most families on the kind of income you're alluding to would be able to afford a week away of some kind. It doesn't need to be a week in New York or 5 star all inclusive in the Maldives. You could have a nice break in Europe for a fraction of the cost. Find a villa online and fly on budget airlines - a nice holiday doesn't need to break the bank.
But I also have sympathy for your DH. I'm the "organiser" in our family and I know that booking a holiday isn't a 5 minute job. Back when our kids were younger and I was working full time it did used to piss me off at times that the rest of the family seemed to view their role in holiday planning was to (sometimes!) pack their own hand luggage and then argue about who was sleeping where when we got there. I went on strike one year and just didn't book anything and they shaped up a bit after that! But at least my DH was also working in a demanding full time job. I would have been even more annoyed if he wasn't working, especially if I didn't particularly want to go myself. Not that i am saying students do no work, but come on, for most it is not the equivalent of a full time job and if you can find time to go to Egypt you can probably find time to research some holidays.
I do agree that you shouldn't book anything without your husband's knowledge but you don't really need him to actually do it do you? You need to both agree a budget, then you could do the rest. You might need to compromise though and opt for something more affordable.

Auburngal · 14/03/2024 12:49

Know couples who do their own holidays. One lies on beach all day and their OH wants to explore. I’m the latter.

What one couple does is the beach holiday person books their holiday. Then the OH sees what flights are available +- 2 hours of the beach flight.

Ariona · 14/03/2024 12:52

FrownedUpon · 14/03/2024 12:36

Do you not feel embarrassed that your mum has to send you money to visit her & your DH has to pay for your holidays (and other stuff I presume). Get a job & earn your own money!

This. Can't believe the whining about no holidays when she isn't even contributing!

Ginslings · 14/03/2024 12:55

Maybe he can afford it maybe he just doesn't want to. It's his money isn't it.

Really? Is it not family money? Assuming it was agreed that OP would take time out of the work place to study.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time actually. He's going back on what was agreed, if there are real financial issues that are stopping him wanting to book a holiday atm then he should explain them to you, and you can agree a budget, then you can look at cheap and cheerful options to book.

Or is it he doesn't want to do a no frills holiday as he's used to the high life and wants to wait until you can afford a more lavish holiday? Either way he needs to explain why he's going back on an agreement.

iverpickle · 14/03/2024 12:58

Well I'm not white British, so that is culturally relevant, but i know that in my extended family if a husband is earning that much money he would be seen as very mean indeed if he didn't want to pay for a generic family summer holiday.
It wouldn't go down well at all, especially after the relocation back to the UK.

Sorry, probably not at all relevant, but I'm imagining my female relatives all having to comfort the Op and reassure her that yes, she is right, and of course he should pay. The mother in law would be involved too of course😆

LoveSkaMusic · 14/03/2024 13:11

I'm not sure if you've noticed, OP, but there is a cost of living crisis happening at the moment.

I suggest that you get involved in the household finances to understand if a holiday is even justifiable at this point.

In this climate, even being a top 2% earner doesn't make luxuries such as holidays a sure thing.

Picklestop · 14/03/2024 13:13

I think people are taking the “promise” to have lots of holidays a bit too literally. For a start all OP says was that she mentioned she would like lots of trips to sunnier climes. I have lived overseas as well, when we moved back we made a commitment to ourselves that we would visit the country we were leaving every couple of years. But we haven’t. Life got it the way. Nobody can expect to hold their spouse to guaranteed holidays every year and particularly not when they are not working themselves!

TheCadoganArms · 14/03/2024 13:26

Picklestop · 14/03/2024 13:13

I think people are taking the “promise” to have lots of holidays a bit too literally. For a start all OP says was that she mentioned she would like lots of trips to sunnier climes. I have lived overseas as well, when we moved back we made a commitment to ourselves that we would visit the country we were leaving every couple of years. But we haven’t. Life got it the way. Nobody can expect to hold their spouse to guaranteed holidays every year and particularly not when they are not working themselves!

In fairness she recorded the conversation so he 'cant deny it' so she is very much treating it as a promise.

Fairyliz · 14/03/2024 13:31

Is he a lot older op? Are you a British national?
Im old and have found a lot of British men get grumpy and miserable about spending money as they age even if they can afford it.

Peekaboobo · 14/03/2024 13:35

Fairyliz · 14/03/2024 13:31

Is he a lot older op? Are you a British national?
Im old and have found a lot of British men get grumpy and miserable about spending money as they age even if they can afford it.

lol I've found a lot of british men get grumpy and miserable about everything as they age but thats a whole other thread

Original poster
lul37 · 14/03/2024 13:37

I think maybe it is a cultural difference that it may sound 'entitled' as I grew up abroad in an environment where woman are not allowed to work or study. Hence why I am now studying in order to get a better paid job and support my family. I am just surprised because I if the situation was reversed I wouldn't mind taking my family on holiday (not expensive) when my spouse was temporarily studying. Especially if he could afford it.

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 14/03/2024 13:37

Can't you suggest a cheaper holiday then new York? Europe AI or something? Turkey is pretty cheap I hear

Original poster
lul37 · 14/03/2024 13:39

Yes @Peekaboobo he is British although his parents are not. But I didn't think that was 'older British men could be an issue, lol??

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 14/03/2024 13:54

OP why did you move back here? Was it to benefit him and his career? Did you want to move here or were you happy to stay where you were?

I think these are relevant questions. If he made you a bucketload of promises to get you to agree to move, and then isn't honouring them, he's being pretty shitty. What benefits are you getting from the move?

Everleigh13 · 14/03/2024 14:14

It intrigues me that you noted down his promise on WhatsApp as evidence to remind him later. It sounds like you already suspected he wouldn’t particularly want to go on holiday and now that’s coming true. Is he the sort that doesn’t care about holidays much? Or has a tendency to get caught up in work?

NeedtostopusingMNsomuch · 14/03/2024 14:14

I wonder if you have full transparency on all finances and you know how much your bills are a month. SAHM here, high earner husband and after pension contributions, tax and NI monthly take home is obviously comfortable but there isn’t £1k spare a month / £12k year to spend on holidays taking into account everything else that has to be paid / saved to ensure we have a backup plan if he loses his job. (I guess Disneyworld could have cost this much for a family of 4)

Maybe your monthly bills are high and there really isn’t the money, or your savings are low. Or you have home improvements to do, or a car will need replacing etc. Obviously you can go on a cheaper holiday but maybe you need to open up the conversation on budgets and talk about why he isn’t comfortable spending right now and if you are both able to go on a cheaper holiday. Make sure you ask him what kind of holiday he wants to go on too. Maybe he hated Disneyworld and doesn’t want to repeat that!

HesterPrincess · 14/03/2024 14:14

When we went to NYC for 5 days, we spent nearly £3k and that was for 2 of us 6 years ago. I'd hate to think what 4 adults would cost nowadays let alone with spending money.

You sound more than a little bit entitled here, sorry. I'd be grateful for a DH that was financially supporting me through university.

Original poster
lul37 · 14/03/2024 14:17

@Gymnopedie he hated his job abroad although I was happy with our life there and living close to my family. But we agreed to return to UK since he is the main breadwinner and I worked on minimum wage. However we agreed we would go on holidays once we returned. I'm studying now and will be done by next year. And hopefully get a better paying job! So like what others have said -won't be waiting for him to book my holiday next time with DH! I think it's the constant struggle from him not wanting to spend on anything has just worn me down. I can see it clearly when we talk about big things but also little things like going out to eat at restaurants or a day out, etc..

OP posts:
Original poster
lul37 · 14/03/2024 14:21

HesterPrincess · 14/03/2024 14:14

When we went to NYC for 5 days, we spent nearly £3k and that was for 2 of us 6 years ago. I'd hate to think what 4 adults would cost nowadays let alone with spending money.

You sound more than a little bit entitled here, sorry. I'd be grateful for a DH that was financially supporting me through university.

No I'm on a student loan so he doesn't have to pay for uni

OP posts:
snoopyfanaccountant · 14/03/2024 14:28

BIL used to live in NYC and the heat and humidity in summer are awful and it would not be a cheap trip.

theleafandnotthetree · 14/03/2024 14:38

HesterPrincess · 14/03/2024 14:14

When we went to NYC for 5 days, we spent nearly £3k and that was for 2 of us 6 years ago. I'd hate to think what 4 adults would cost nowadays let alone with spending money.

You sound more than a little bit entitled here, sorry. I'd be grateful for a DH that was financially supporting me through university.

Spent 5.5k for a week last Easter, 1 adult 2 children and staying in basic apartment in Queens, no fancy meals out, no alcohol. Its wildly expensive.

livvymc · 14/03/2024 14:38

OP, are you fully aware of the financial situation? The fact he bemoans a trip to a restaurant or a day out suggests possible financial difficulties rather than meanness? Have you actually asked him?

Trulyme · 14/03/2024 14:43

Why would you book a holiday in the summer?

Surely if you’re struggling with the climate here then you’d book the holiday for when it’s colder here and not when it’s our summer.

No one NEEDS a holiday.
You just want one.

And if I was him I would be incredibly pissed off that you are not working yet you are acting like a holiday is an essential part of your life.

Perhaps stop acting like you need a holiday and instead be honest and say you just want one.

Look into ones that you can pay for out of your student loan and then when you’ve found one you like ask him again.

If he still doesn’t want to go then you can go on your own or just go and visit your mum.