My DH doesn't want to go on holiday

[lul37]

I'm at my wits end with my DH...
We moved back from living abroad a few years ago, and I have found it very difficult adjusting to life back in UK with the cold and rainy weather, cost of living, etc...
Prior to our move back I told him that I would need lots of holidays to compensate for the lack of warmth and sunshine -and even have it saved on record in case he denies it
We went on just one holiday last year (but it was to DisneyWorld so it's expensive, I understand), and one holiday only the year before.
This year I am struggling to get him to even book anything for the summer hols, so that we can get a good deal before the schools close. I told him I would love to visit NYC and explore it for a week, or I'm open to other places if he wants to suggest?
He keeps brushing it off or complaining that it's expensive, so we haven't booked anything yet. I'm studying at uni full time at the moment and he's the main breadwinner so it's not like I can go on my own. We barely go out in the UK although I travel often to visit my mom abroad but I don't consider that a family holiday because I'm on my own without my DH and DSS.
I just feel like ever since we moved back, he doesn't want to go out or do anything -save for going for dinner at his mom's place every weekend.
AIBU expecting him to want to plan a holiday with me so that we can go somewhere as a family in the summer?

This isn't about New York or princesses, it is about the fact that thry had an agreement about moving to UK and he was only paying lip service to it. He had no intention of sticking to what he said. If the financial (or any other) situation has changed then they need to discuss it. He's giving her the brush off and not engaging. If he said "I don't fancy New York, how about Greece" then there would be engagement. They shouldn't have to stick to my or other posters' holiday budget when they have more money and an agreement!

No, not having a laugh. I support my family to do all those things too, and I don't moan about it. And I earn less than him.

And that's before you even factor in that he promised she could go on Sunday holidays in order to manipulate her into moving countries.

Whilst I like the idea of every Sunday being a holiday, that was obviously a typo!

OP I think you don't like how you have been characterised after your first posts so are now portraying your husband as worse and worse....but if he really is as you describe him later on then extravagant holidays would clearly be the least of your worries. You are now portraying him as mean, secretive, controlling even but this is the same person who has indeed paid for a very comfortable lifestyle, including you having the opportunity to study/not earn and travel as much as you like to visit your mum. You may feel he has changed the goalposts re all these sun holidays you were promised - is Egypt not hot enough for you? - but most people consider holidays to be non essential and not worth the amount of trouble they seem to be causing in your marriage. Maybe your husband simply doesn't get the fuss as your life looks pretty great otherwise.

Why would you have kids with a man who wouldn’t share finances?

He’s saying you can’t afford it and as he’s the only one working and paying the bills then that’s fair play.

Its unrealistic to want multiple holidays a year unless you are rich.

But that doesn’t stop you from getting a PT job/using your student loan to budget some money away and then saving up for a holiday if you can’t afford one right now.

I think the holiday is a red herring though and the main thing you need to do is have a joint account (you can both have separate accounts too) and he needs to be open with how much he earns.

No one should be so in the dark about how much money is coming in and going out.

Maybe he does not earn as much as you think...

The issue is that he refuses to have a joint bank account with me and I never questioned it until I stopped working.

Think you sound cheeky demanding holidays that you arnt even paying for ....and everything you're suggesting from disneyworld to new yor for a week arnt cheap either.

Get a part time job and save up your own holiday yo new york or at least pay for yourself to go.

The issue I find is that he doesn't want to discuss any sort of finances with me
Well, you have my sympathy on that score.
Damned if I know a way to deal with a partner who jealously guards their own earnings in a marriage.
This won't just be a problem about holidays.

@Peekaboobo if her mum is covering the cost then what is she being naive about?

Can you not just tell your DH you’re booking a holiday and if he doesn’t want to come, his choice! You’ve already said you are comfortable financially and im presuming you have access to money as you are not earning. So just book it! Im sure he’s not going to miss going on it.

Could it be the case that he is really enjoying life in the UK and just less bothered about travel than you are? You might really need the sun (I also love the sun) but lots of people are bot bothered about it and happy to holiday in the UK (not me, I need 30 degrees).

Just book it, pay the deposit and tell him its booked!

Is there another Egypt that I don't know about thats wet, dreary and cold? People are sympathising with the OP for being stuck here (oh the horror!) when she gets to go to a place loads of people go on sun holidays to quite frequently. I am puzzled!

OP does sound entitled about him holidays
However their money is shared money, to whoever said it was his. It's a family pot.

Her life looks pretty great? Apart from living in a country she didn't want to live in, you mean? I would be miserable if I lived somewhere I didn't like. Bird in a gilded cage, and all that.

YANBU OP but I'm afraid I think your husband is abusive and your long term plan should be to leave him.

Yep.

I’m sorry but this is utter bullshit. They are married for crying out loud. Her husband should be open with his finances and they plan and budget accordingly.

The fact she isn’t working at the moment doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any say in joke the family finances are spent. Would you say the same if she was a stay at home mother who gave up her career to look after their kids?

I’m she is not asking for NYC or Disney if he was earning £19k and if money is the issue then he should have a freaking adult conversation and they can decide and budget accordingly.

I can’t believe all the posts I’m reading here, you really justify the husband being so secretive and controlling with “his” money?

@lul37 the holiday is the least if your worries here, the issue is the fact he is secretive and controlling with money, the fact you’re married and have no insight into how he spends his money or what’s happening, the fact that you’re married with kids and have no say in how your family income is spent. That’s the issue here.

and who will pay for it?

Student loan and top 2% wage for OH-nope! Doesn't add up.

Missing sunshine and NYC - nope, makes no sense either. So so many places to enjoy sun short haul with EasyJet and AirbnB.

Very much this.

Ultimately if your DH agreed to holidays, has the money for holidays (unclear), and is now refusing holidays, he's unreasonable. If he's top 2% of earners, I'm sure he could stump up £2k for a week in Turkey to honour his agreement with you. You've accepted a lot to move country.

This. What does him being the 'only earner' have to do with it? Surely it depends on the state of the family finances and whether they can afford a holiday.

I never demanded multiple trips(plural) to New York?? I suggested ONE family trip this year to a place such as New York. Which we can all enjoy as a family. And a place I’ve never been to before, that you go see once in your life and then tick it off your bucket list. I also said in my original post I am open to other places if he thinks it’s too expensive or any other place he prefers instead.

But yes absolutely, this has all made me realize it's really about him not engaging with me regarding family holidays, his lack of transparency over money -no joint bank account and never showing me his payslips, etc. And not keeping to his promises when we moved back here (ridiculous as they sound).

I do plan to go back to work after I finish studying and then be financially independent to be able to take my DSS with me. It's just a shame to see that my DH doesn't see that family holidays are that important, or that he should spend on anything other than the basics for his family.

OP, these responses are odd.

Presumably it was a joint decision that you would study.

I don't see why as an adult you are supposed to have no say in the family finances just because you're currently not earning. I have gone through periods of not working and being a SAHM, I have worked part-time and earned much less than my DH and I have also earned more at times. At all of these times, I would have been less than amused at the idea that the validity of my views as to how we should spend our family money depended on how much I was contributing. I contribute and have contributed so much to our family in both financial and non-financial ways.

If he thinks you can't afford a holiday, he needs to sit down with you and go through your joint financial situation with you. That way you can come to a joint, informed decision.

If you don't have a joint account, how do you pay for stuff, OP?

He’s saying you can’t afford it and as he’s the only one working and paying the bills then that’s fair play.

I really don't understand views like this. This is not how healthy, equal and respectful relationships work.

I don't pay for stuff right now because I'm not working since I'm studying. But before that I was able to because I was working and we have separate accounts. And exactly what you said, I contributed to the household based on my income, whether I was working full time or part-time after having kids.