My DH doesn't want to go on holiday

[lul37]

I'm at my wits end with my DH...
We moved back from living abroad a few years ago, and I have found it very difficult adjusting to life back in UK with the cold and rainy weather, cost of living, etc...
Prior to our move back I told him that I would need lots of holidays to compensate for the lack of warmth and sunshine -and even have it saved on record in case he denies it
We went on just one holiday last year (but it was to DisneyWorld so it's expensive, I understand), and one holiday only the year before.
This year I am struggling to get him to even book anything for the summer hols, so that we can get a good deal before the schools close. I told him I would love to visit NYC and explore it for a week, or I'm open to other places if he wants to suggest?
He keeps brushing it off or complaining that it's expensive, so we haven't booked anything yet. I'm studying at uni full time at the moment and he's the main breadwinner so it's not like I can go on my own. We barely go out in the UK although I travel often to visit my mom abroad but I don't consider that a family holiday because I'm on my own without my DH and DSS.
I just feel like ever since we moved back, he doesn't want to go out or do anything -save for going for dinner at his mom's place every weekend.
AIBU expecting him to want to plan a holiday with me so that we can go somewhere as a family in the summer?

OP, I didn't mean how do you contribute to stuff - obviously, you will not presently be contributing financially if not working.

I meant, how do you 'pay' for stuff? So for instance, if you want a coffee, lunch out, a haircut, dentist, to buy a present for a friend - how do you pay for these things?

Essentially, do you have access to money?

@ACuriousHare no I don't if that's what you mean. But if there's anything 'urgent' such as a toothache then yes my DH will pay. A present for a friend or something like I would need to go ask my DH since I am not working, otherwise things like that I paid for easily when I was working.

I get where you are coming from. I really like holidays, mainly because I like hot weather and being at the coast. I'd secretly love to live in a warmer country but that's unlikely to happen. DH is not very interested in holidays and prefers staying in the UK if we do go. However he understands that it's my 'thing' and I'm prepared to make sacrifices for it. I do some extra locum work and limit my spending on things like eating out, clothes etc. I appreciate I am lucky we can afford holidays, although we do book more affordable options. I think you need to have a wider conversation about his spending of money. Is he worried or just sees these things as waste? Would he be happy to divert some money towards a holiday by saving on other things? Without knowing the details of your finances, it is hard to know if you are overspending or he is being overly cautious.

This is shocking. As one of two adults in the household, you should have access to money that you can spend (responsibly) on the things that you and other family members need. You should not need your H's permission for every little purchase.

Something is clearly wrong with your situation if you can't treat a friend to a coffee or buy a pair of shoes without having to clear it and get the money from your H in advance.

Is he Egyptian too?

Im sorry but this is not right at all.

You should be able to purchase some things by yourself with access to family funds and yes you both discuss and agree when it comes to paying for expensive stuff, you both agree a limit, but having to go to him anytime you need to pay for anything is so wrong and controlling.

I can’t believe people are really trying to justify such control simply because they keep focusing on NYC.

@ACuriousHare thanks for your posts. I was really starting to question my sanity reading all the posts attacking the OP. The holiday is a red herring, this a case of secrecy, financial abuse and control.

OP there is a really uneven balance here that sounds like financial control.
There are definitely bigger problems than holidays.

OP, I based my reply earlier on in the thread thinking your DH just wasn’t that bothered about a holiday.

If you dont have access to money and you’re not working, thats financial abuse. Everyone needs money for day to day things - lunches, coffee, cosmetics, clothes, haircuts, entertainment for the kids at the weekends and school holidays etc, meeting friends, hobbies etc. He should not be controlling the money just because you are studying and can’t earn. You are a family and a team and ofcourse most families need a budget, but you still need access to the money!

Just to clarify, do you have access to money for day to day things?

OP, you've had an undeserved hard time on this post and I wonder if you had stated you wanted/needed to own a pet or something else society deems as "normal spending" over needing the sun/a holiday, the reaction would have been different over your husband earning in the top 2%, which makes you as a couple very wealthy so I'd think why on earth would two people need to work, anyway when you have enough money? I too value the sun and seeking that/a holiday. I'd rather spend on this than 100 other things people do throughout the year or their lifetime. I would feel the same over his odd guarding over the spending, relative to his wealth. He sounds really entitled/tight, unless there's more to it you don't know and his top 2% wages aren't the overall picture of things? Like he invested bady and he lost money and isn't telling you? I think it's fair enough if he doesnt personally wish to travel overseas but sounds like you moved further away from your family to suit his needs so hence obviously you're going to want trips back to see your family in Egypt or nearby! I would echo other posters, though who suggest there's easier/cheaper holidays in Europe over the sun seeking.

Nah, MN is full of travel obsessed people there are plenty of threads with people stating that they 'need' a holiday!
Now a clearer picture is emerging, husband doesn't give OP equal access but you don't know whether they 'can' afford it. A big mortgage and private school won't leave one with much change out of even a 'top 2%' income. Bear in mind that the wealthy don't earn a salary anyway...

@Isitautumnyet23 those things you listed we rarely do. Even for kids school lunches, he doesn't want to pay and prefers them to have a packed lunch as 'it's cheaper'. I daren't ask for money for clothes or makeup but luckily I don't need anything now and can get by until I start working again.

@fleurneige he was born and raised in England other than the few years we lived abroad. His parents are originally Egyptian, and I'm just wondering now that I'm seeing this in a completely new light, if he learned to be this way from his father. I think his father acted like that with his mother, thinking back now to how I used to see them interact.

Everyone needs clothes OP and cosmetics (plus many other things to live a basic normal life). Yes there are some things that can be considered luxuries in my list but no grown adult should be living without choices, scared to ask their partner for money. That is no life.

I dont want to add more stress to you, but is there any option for a part-time job now kids are older or a few hours working anywhere. I know the solution should be him splitting the family money with you, but if you know that wont happen, i’d get some part time hours (if possible), get my course done, take the kids and get out of there!

I don't think there's anything wrong with prioritising a holiday over anything else in life. It could be argued no one "needs" anything but we all might choose to do different things beyond the immediate basics. I've never had a wedding or kids and live frugally overall through the year but a holiday I enjoy as the UK climate IS as she said, awful!

@Isitautumnyet23 I will need to consider a part time job yes you are right. I was worried that it would be too much for me as I suffer from anemia (sp?) and heavy periods so wanted to focus on one thing at a time to pace myself. But at least working will give me some independence.

@randomfemthinker yes going on holiday is my favorite thing ever and taking photos with my family is priceless imo.

@myhardluckstory my kids don't go to private school and we pay £2k per month for our flat.

Nobody said there was?
You just said needing to own a pet is normal spending, according to society. A holiday is not.
I said you were wrong, because well there are loads and loads of threads on here from people who can't live without a holiday!

The 'hard time' OP was getting was because of her opening post. Not earning, does go abroad a lot (but doesn't count because it's to 'visit mum'),.. etc.

OK, so you know his salary, know you can afford it, but he just doesn't want to spend the money?
I mean, there are deeper issues here. You should be making these decisions as a family. But then again, you're from the same cultural background. I'm presuming that if women aren't allowed to work or study, men are the default 'heads of the household' and can do what they like. You have to be content with the scraps he gives you.
Not sure how the opinion of random women on Mumsnet is going to help.

Usually people will say LTB but, you don't want for anything actually necessary? So he's miserly, rather than actively depriving you? Get your education and be independent, then you can decide what to do. Especially as your kids are already secondary age which is good.

People are understating this. He is more than "miserly," if the OP can't even buy herself a coffee or new clothes if she needs them. That's not just miserly - taking away someone's independence/agency in this way is financial abuse.

Did you even bother reading my post properly apart from one word? I never said his behaviour was acceptable or 'just' miserly.
He won't change, so the OP's only option is to leave. You claiming 'financial abuse' on this scale isn't going to conjure up a comfy council house + magic money pot for OP and her two kids. Especially not in London (guessing from the 2K flat price). Even women beaten all over are turned away from shelters because there's simply no space.

OP is halfway through a degree and has everything that she needs. She's annoyed about not having enough holidays, not wondering how to feed her kids. It's not a race to the bottom, but unlike the latter scenario I don't think her current situation necessitates leaving ASAP.

Finish her education, gain independence and then assert herself/leave. I don't think living on benefits in shitty temporary accommodation is going to do OP any long-term favours. Even if she does get a good chunk of the family assets in a divorce she still needs to earn and provide for herself, especially as she's re-entering the workforce older.

How can ANYONE be in a marriage with a high earner who doesn't share the money!?
Who lets you struggle on?
Absolutely horrific.
I was a SAHM and all money was equal, how it should be.

You’re struggling to adjust to living back here, I think you’ll find that your DH is probably struggling even more, as you say he doesn’t even want to go out or do anything, so it’s not just about holidays. You need to have an honest conversation to get to the bottom of it, you’re thinking about holidays, do you really know what your DH is thinking about.

Your situation doesn’t quite appear to add up. If he is in the top 2% of earners then why would your mum be funding trips to go and see her in Egypt?
And is it Egypt or NYC you want to go? A trip to NYC for a family of four would be particularly expensive but if he really earns as much as you say it wouldn’t really be an issue at least not financially.
Are you overstating his earnings to us to make yourself seem less unreasonable?
I mean he might earn loads but perhaps he has a ton of debt or just wants to do to other things with it like a bigger house or whatever. Maybe hot weather and holidays aren’t his thing.
Its difficult for you to assert yourself in this when he is the main breadwinner.
Have you asked him his reasons?

Where are all the ‘communal pot’ posts? What happened to ‘its family money’?

A SAHM wife and mother is entitled to her husband’s money, but when that mum also studies she’s a bratty entitled princess who needs to fend for herself.

The hypocrisy is fucking astounding. It doesn’t matter what the OP wants to spend the money on, either it’s family money or not.

First you talk about COLD weather then you talk about not wanting to go anywhere ALONE.
So whats more important???
Being with family or Hot weather?????
Maybe this is a learning curve.
Are there any HOLIDAY CLUBS you can join?????
Going on holiday Singly is not a death sentence.
Maybe you need to cure your CIDEPENDENCY.
Did you spend time travelling before MARRIAGE???? Iff not, then you must do it now!!!!

Thank fuck some posters started showing the OP a bit of sympathy and support as this situation with the family finances has become more sinister as she’s had the chance to open up.

It’s miserable to stay in the same country you are born in year on year in my view

life is too short

YANBU op