To hate MIL wearing shoes in my house?!

[Mudonstairs]

I love my MIL to pieces. She does so much for me and us as a family. She comes round several times per week and stays with us to help us with childcare for our 20 month old DC. She is a true blessing and we would be so much worse off without her help.

However, she keeps her shoes on in our house from morning until she goes to bed. Whether she is going out or not, those shoes will go on her feet as soon as she gets dressed in the morning upstairs, and if she’s been out and it’s been raining or whatever she doesn’t take them off when she comes back in! My husband and I find this bizarre as we don’t wear shoes in our house. Shoes go on as and when we are about to leave the house and straight off in the hallway when we arrive home.

We recently had our carpet cleaned in only one part of the house (all we could afford) and DH told her we are trying to not wear shoes in the house to keep the carpets clean. He explained that DC likes to play on the floor with his toys etc so we don’t want remnants of dog muck and whatever else trailed through the house (dog muck is a real issue in our neighbourhood, it’s everywhere and you can’t always avoid it)! He has in the past also commented to her several times that he thinks it’s strange that she keeps her shoes on in the house and that it is unhygienic.

She has her own slippers at our house that she chose herself when we were out shopping together but she doesn’t wear them. I am getting annoyed now that I work full time and i don’t have the time to go around the house after my MIL and clean up the specks of dirt she leaves around the house, including up the stairs and in the bathroom. We also can’t keep affording a professional carpet clean regularly and tbh I begrudge having this expense when it’s easily avoidable! I am from a culture where people take their shoes off at home so it is absolutely ludicrous to me that she relaxes at home with her bloody boots/shoes on all day and night no matter what. She does this in her own home too but fair enough if she is comfortable in her own place that’s her business, just hate it at my house.

I don’t want to make a big thing of it as she does so much for us and I don’t want to sound ungrateful or upset her, but seeing as we have already told her before I don’t know how to deal with it in a way that won’t be a big thing anyway. It is having an affect on the overall look of the house and it’s starting to get me down. We can’t afford to decorate so I think the only thing I hold onto is that when it’s had a good clean the place looks nice, but it’s starting not to anymore!

YABU- shut up and let the woman do what she likes. She gives you free childcare so you don’t have a right to complain! Shoes at home is normal!

YANBU- shoes in the house is unhygienic and she needs to stop wearing them in the house. Shoes at home is not normal!

For those who insist on shoes off to save the cream carpets:

I know no-one on MN hosts dinner parties these days but just say you did and your guests turn up in all their finery would you make them change into slippers?

Oh please, no.

I think she would but whether she would abide by it is another question. We also have no available wall space in our hallway as we already have a mirror, artwork and a clock on the walls.

Oh amd it’s definitely a class issue, I went a very smart school and we had etiquette lessons ( you couldn’t make it up!) asking someone to take their shoes off was the height of bad manners because it shows that you value your carpet more than you value your guest’s company .

I only invite close friends or family over for dinner. Each and every one of them come round dressed however they please but take their shoes off without asking. Only person that doesn’t is MIL. So I don’t know what I would do because I’ve never been in that position.

However, a rare occasion for a special dinner party is less likely cause a build up of dirt on the carpet. Dinner party guests would not have been walking for hours in the rain, traipsed through a muddy park or sandy beach before rocking up to the event would they? 😂

How very interesting! Tbh I never even considered this was a class issue before but maybe it is. I still like clean carpets though 😂

Out of interest, what other stuff did they teach in etiquette classes? I’m genuinely fascinated.

I recently spent some time in Italy, and everyone there, whatever class, removes shoes in the house.

You’re really just going to have to keep asking her. She won’t change unless you do. Just keep nicely reminding her, be clear and consistent. And particularly get your DH to do it as well. No amount of “but everyone ought to just know” is any use here - if you want her to take shoes off you need to keep asking.

Don't worry, if you look globally, shoes off is more common than not.

I saw different approaches like giving out sleepers, bringing own sleepers, having formal but clean shoes for a change etc. but shoes off is ok.

All sorts of frankly ridiculous stuff eg, how to get out of a car , when to wear a hat/gloves , how to eat soup , shellfish , fish , steak ( definitely no fish knives or god forbid, steak knives!) certain words which are definitely not used by PLU ( people like us ) including but not exclusively; loo not toilet , sorry not pardon, napkin not serviette , writing paper not note paper . Form and content of thank you letters and how to address people with different titles/ranks and actually the only really useful thing ; how to come I to a room and leave without turning your back on the occupants and how to walk downstairs without looking down .

The lessons alternated between being hysterically funny and drearily boring . But what you have to remember is that it’s a code between those in the know . Offer somebody desert and you’ve immediately given yourself away as not PLU ! Luckily most of this is now outdated rubbish but I remember someone being taken aside at one of the big 4 accountancy firms that I worked for to be taught how to hold a knife and fork ‘correctly’ And that was in 1990.

Maybe she can do these things because she wears well supporting shoes.
My rheumatologist told me not to wear slippers as they don't provide support. He also told me off wearing sketchers.
Very few people know I have a problem as I walk miles. If I have a day in unsupported dhoes it does affect my mobility.

Funnily enough, she is wearing sketchers today 😂

You all wear outside shoes all round the house and when sitting on the sofa - across carpets etc?

I walked down the high street nearby today and saw at least 3 dogs weeing up against lampposts - that trickles across the pavement and would definitely end up on peoples shoes.

Local footpaths also have dog mess, people spitting and god knows what else.

And you seriously want to walk that round your house? Jeez

We take our own shoes off but leave guests to do as they feel comfortable.

OP that’s a hell of a lot of childcare she does, esp in the evenings, so tread carefully (pardon the pun). She sounds amazingly generous. You will just have to have another polite but assertive conversation led by your husband.

Can you bribe her with some Manolos or Louboutins…?! I wouldn’t wear Hotter shoes if you paid me!

I agree, she does do a lot for us so any conversation, if at all, would be with very careful treading indeed 😂

If I could afford manolos or louboutins she totally would be getting some, and we would have new carpets as well! Not sure how comfortable a house shoe they would be though. I can’t stand heels or pretty shoes but then I choose comfort over style.

I hate taking my shoes off.
It's difficult. Different households have different rules.
I never take mine off either. And now I have serious foot problems so I really don't want to.

Agree some spare shoes of hers at yours are the best bet.

Suggest she gets some Crocs if she doesn't like slippers. Xx

See, things that she does makes me backtrack and say no no no I can’t possibly tell her to take her shoes off now because she is too lovely. She saw I was wearing an item of clothing today that has a stain on it 😂 she went to the shops today and bought me a new one. How thoughtful is that!

Buy her shoe covers and gently say, in private, that you hate shoes in doors, please would she put shoe covers on. I’m sure she would understand. A lot of people, particularly older folk, have very painful feet without shoes. But deal with it, don’t ignore it. Just be straight forward.

Most of the world finds it crude, poorly brought up and a massive faux pas to keep outside shoes on.

This isn’t most of the world. It’s a country where it’s considered perfectly normal to wear shoes indoors. Incidentally I don’t have outside shoes, I just have shoes.

@cyclamenqueen

certain words which are definitely not used by PLU ( people like us ) including but not exclusively; loo not toilet , sorry not pardon, napkin not serviette , writing paper not note paper
What country are you in because in England it's definitely loo and napkin for UC and MC but you are saying here that they are words not for PLU. Or did you just word it the wrong way around?

@BIossomtoes
Who knows what country people commenting are from. My point was aimed at people saying it was low class or weirdly obsessive behaviour to take off shoes. I'm just pointing out that this is frankly a ridiculous suggestion as most of the world removes shoes and so do many people in the sun who aren't low class or obsessive. Just normal. Many Brits have lived abroad and realise how much nicer it is remove shoes. There is a whole eastern philosophy about removing shoes. It's walking in from the outside into your sanctuary. It's a lovely feeling. Removing the outside world before coming into your clean space.

It may well be a lovely feeling for you @tittybumbum, I’m very happy for you. It wouldn’t be a lovely feeling for me and I’m not doing it. I tell other people not to do it in my house because I don’t want my tiny hall cluttered up with shoes.

I don't