Page 11 | To be so desperate for a break

Backintothewoods · 2024-03-14T08:31:59+00:00

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that. The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here. I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out. i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

MrsMum9 · 15/03/2024 14:05

My first son didn’t sleep until he was 3. It was so awful. I used to drive around and if he fell asleep I’d stop asap and sleep sitting up until he woke up. He turned 4 and changed into the easiest child in the world. At the time it felt like it was never going to end but it does. Sleep, doze whenever you possibly can x

Original poster

Backintothewoods · 15/03/2024 14:10

Acw1991 · 15/03/2024 13:56

I haven't read the whole post as it was infuriating me on your behalf OP. My childrens' dad sounds very similar to yours. He was helpful in his own way, but would get quite overwhelmed looking after both children when they were little. For all those telling you to leave... my husband left when the kids were 8 and 6 and it went from doing everything myself, to doing everything myself but having no emotional support and two very upset, confused children who missed their daddy.
Things will get easier (and more challenging in some ways!), but one day you will get the break you need. For now, try and take any chance you can get to do something for yourself, even if it is just a relaxing bath or an extra long toilet break 😂 Those maternity leave days can be long and lonely, but as mad as it sounds, you might feel better once you are at work again.

Thank you. This really is helpful.

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 15/03/2024 14:18

OP are you really afraid that if you ask your dh to parent his own children he will leave you? Because thats what it sounds like when one of the few posters you respond to empathizes because her husband left her. Deep down is that what you think?

Original poster

Backintothewoods · 15/03/2024 14:21

No.

I say ‘DH, parent your children’ and I fuck off for a weekend (no one has been able to tell me where I’m going on this mystical weekend) and I come back and it’s been a lot of screen time and hyper kids and no veg.

Great, then I just have to get back into it, don’t I?

It’s the fact it’s relentless and never ending and it’s not about my relationship. It’s about how I feel. But I’m not allowed to talk about it. Some of you won’t be happy until I agree to walk out and Leave DH To It. Will you?

OP posts:

mrshoho · 15/03/2024 14:21

Oh I remember that exhaustion. It was a long time ago but I can still remember just wishing for 1 night of uninterrupted sleep. Mine were only 19 months apart and I used to push the pram around in a blur some days. Luckily I could walk to my Mum and Dad's where they kept them amused for an hour or two. The baby clubs were also my saviour where other Mum's could all moan and have a laugh. My dh worked long hours in a demanding and physical role so nights was mainly my job. Still remember the countdown 5pm tea, then bath and a story and in bed by 6.30/7. My oldest was easy but my son was hard work! I feel for you.

Bsgpuss · 15/03/2024 14:38

Yes the first three months are hard. It won't be long before baby sleeps.

Iop · 15/03/2024 14:39

OP I hear you. I'm about a year ahead of you, my 4yo still doesn't sleep through the night, and the 18mo still breastfeeds at night. It is exhausting. People are quick to jump to "your DH is useless" but I think it has a lot to do with how men are socialised. When I was a teenager I babysat, helped out at kids holiday clubs, when my friends started having kids in their 20s I spent time with them, I volunteered at the local primary school to listen to kids read... but DH had never even held a baby until we had DS, had never taken a child to the park or to the toilet. And I think the DIY analogy falls down because while you can learn to put up a shelf by watching a YouTube video, parenting involves a lot of soft skills, and a lot depends on temperament as well. My DH has always tried to be quite hands on with the kids but like yours he works long hours, thrives on routine, really struggles with the chaos and unpredictability of small kids, and finds it very hard to engage with toddlers. Now that DS is 4 and can have a proper conversation, contribute ideas to the building of the train set etc, it's starting to come more naturally to him. But some people are great with small kids and others aren't, ditto teenagers, old people etc.
It's easy to say "your DH needs to step up" but sometimes you're both operating at capacity (bearing in mind that different people's capacity looks different) and there are still more demands that you can manage. Plus, you can't control another person's actions.
I just wanted to say that I hear you, and your feelings are valid, and your situation isn't your fault, and it gets better 💐

WhamBamThankU · 15/03/2024 14:44

Backintothewoods · 15/03/2024 14:21

No.

I say ‘DH, parent your children’ and I fuck off for a weekend (no one has been able to tell me where I’m going on this mystical weekend) and I come back and it’s been a lot of screen time and hyper kids and no veg.

Great, then I just have to get back into it, don’t I?

It’s the fact it’s relentless and never ending and it’s not about my relationship. It’s about how I feel. But I’m not allowed to talk about it. Some of you won’t be happy until I agree to walk out and Leave DH To It. Will you?

But one weekend like that for your kids won't kill them! And you'll have had time to recharge a bit for the ongoing monotony of raising young kids. You can go anywhere, local b&b, premier inn, to your parents, a friend who lives a bit further away you'd love to see etc. you're just making excuses.

Original poster

Backintothewoods · 15/03/2024 14:46

Iop · 15/03/2024 14:39

OP I hear you. I'm about a year ahead of you, my 4yo still doesn't sleep through the night, and the 18mo still breastfeeds at night. It is exhausting. People are quick to jump to "your DH is useless" but I think it has a lot to do with how men are socialised. When I was a teenager I babysat, helped out at kids holiday clubs, when my friends started having kids in their 20s I spent time with them, I volunteered at the local primary school to listen to kids read... but DH had never even held a baby until we had DS, had never taken a child to the park or to the toilet. And I think the DIY analogy falls down because while you can learn to put up a shelf by watching a YouTube video, parenting involves a lot of soft skills, and a lot depends on temperament as well. My DH has always tried to be quite hands on with the kids but like yours he works long hours, thrives on routine, really struggles with the chaos and unpredictability of small kids, and finds it very hard to engage with toddlers. Now that DS is 4 and can have a proper conversation, contribute ideas to the building of the train set etc, it's starting to come more naturally to him. But some people are great with small kids and others aren't, ditto teenagers, old people etc.
It's easy to say "your DH needs to step up" but sometimes you're both operating at capacity (bearing in mind that different people's capacity looks different) and there are still more demands that you can manage. Plus, you can't control another person's actions.
I just wanted to say that I hear you, and your feelings are valid, and your situation isn't your fault, and it gets better 💐

Thank you for understanding

OP posts:

MojoDojoCasaHouse · 15/03/2024 14:51

Leaving young child with a loving parent for a couple of nights isn’t ‘fucking off’. Interesting use of language there. And your husband isn’t allowed a weekend off either?

I think a lot of us are confused as to why you are complaining about a situation you have no intention of trying to change. Your children will not thank you for being a perfect martyr mummy. Raising small children is bloody hard. Why make it harder still by sticking to self imposed standards?

Sususudio · 15/03/2024 14:59

I say ‘DH, parent your children’ and I fuck off for a weekend (no one has been able to tell me where I’m going on this mystical weekend) and I come back and it’s been a lot of screen time and hyper kids and no veg.

Personally, I went to Paris. Alone. And Bath. With friends. And other trips away. With DH looking after the kids. But that's me. It's a long time ago now and the best thing I did for myself with small DC, and to make DH appreciate me. I am not saying the house was great when I got back, but they were alive and fed and clean, and that's all I cared about.

Men get to go on weekends away for work or fun all the time. They don't get accused of fucking off.

You dont need to LTB. You just need to ask for more.

WithACatLikeTread · 15/03/2024 15:20

Is it really hard one day of the weekend to say "I want to go and have a bit of time to myself"? You need to tell him. Yes even a couple of hours does make a difference.

Beezknees · 15/03/2024 15:32

Iop · 15/03/2024 14:39

OP I hear you. I'm about a year ahead of you, my 4yo still doesn't sleep through the night, and the 18mo still breastfeeds at night. It is exhausting. People are quick to jump to "your DH is useless" but I think it has a lot to do with how men are socialised. When I was a teenager I babysat, helped out at kids holiday clubs, when my friends started having kids in their 20s I spent time with them, I volunteered at the local primary school to listen to kids read... but DH had never even held a baby until we had DS, had never taken a child to the park or to the toilet. And I think the DIY analogy falls down because while you can learn to put up a shelf by watching a YouTube video, parenting involves a lot of soft skills, and a lot depends on temperament as well. My DH has always tried to be quite hands on with the kids but like yours he works long hours, thrives on routine, really struggles with the chaos and unpredictability of small kids, and finds it very hard to engage with toddlers. Now that DS is 4 and can have a proper conversation, contribute ideas to the building of the train set etc, it's starting to come more naturally to him. But some people are great with small kids and others aren't, ditto teenagers, old people etc.
It's easy to say "your DH needs to step up" but sometimes you're both operating at capacity (bearing in mind that different people's capacity looks different) and there are still more demands that you can manage. Plus, you can't control another person's actions.
I just wanted to say that I hear you, and your feelings are valid, and your situation isn't your fault, and it gets better 💐

Piss poor excuses. I'm an only child, had no experience looking after kids and had mine when I was barely out of childhood myself, but I stepped up. Grown men have no excuse.

Geordiebabe85 · 15/03/2024 16:21

A few months ago I could've written this! My lo is now 18 months and FINALLY I'm getting some sleep! It will get easier. My 3 year old has just got into Disney films which helps too.

Stressedoutmammy · 15/03/2024 16:40

Sounds like you need a day out of the house one weekend. DH will soon learn from his mistakes if he has to live with the consequences e.g from allowing too much sugar and then hopefully you can get in to a bit of a better routine where you get mini breaks e.g one of you does bed time, one of you does early morning etc. it is relentless, but you need to try and work as a team.

puzzledout · 15/03/2024 17:15

Iop · 15/03/2024 14:39

OP I hear you. I'm about a year ahead of you, my 4yo still doesn't sleep through the night, and the 18mo still breastfeeds at night. It is exhausting. People are quick to jump to "your DH is useless" but I think it has a lot to do with how men are socialised. When I was a teenager I babysat, helped out at kids holiday clubs, when my friends started having kids in their 20s I spent time with them, I volunteered at the local primary school to listen to kids read... but DH had never even held a baby until we had DS, had never taken a child to the park or to the toilet. And I think the DIY analogy falls down because while you can learn to put up a shelf by watching a YouTube video, parenting involves a lot of soft skills, and a lot depends on temperament as well. My DH has always tried to be quite hands on with the kids but like yours he works long hours, thrives on routine, really struggles with the chaos and unpredictability of small kids, and finds it very hard to engage with toddlers. Now that DS is 4 and can have a proper conversation, contribute ideas to the building of the train set etc, it's starting to come more naturally to him. But some people are great with small kids and others aren't, ditto teenagers, old people etc.
It's easy to say "your DH needs to step up" but sometimes you're both operating at capacity (bearing in mind that different people's capacity looks different) and there are still more demands that you can manage. Plus, you can't control another person's actions.
I just wanted to say that I hear you, and your feelings are valid, and your situation isn't your fault, and it gets better 💐

Utter bullshit!

How men are socialised

My DH didn't babysit, help out at kids clubs, but it didn't make him a shit parent and unable to understand that feeding a child crap will make them hyper, or reminding them to go to the toilet will result in no accidents!

Christ the twisting to make the DF not responsible for their actions is unbelievable!

JLou08 · 15/03/2024 17:32

Winds me up all the MN comments having a go at women about their partners doing more. Lucky you if you have a perfect partner or if they were a complete AH that it was easy to leave them.
Real life isn't usually that black and white, most of us have flaws but are on the whole good people. No one can really change their partner or force them to do everything the way they want it. If we were forcing them to do things our way we would then be abusive. And if your leaving your partner over some of the petti stuff I see LTB for on here then you can't have been that into them anyway.

Roboticleg · 15/03/2024 17:41

Im a bloke, i can do it all (although happily admit the wife is better) husband needs to learn. He does this by suffering the consequences of not potty training, and giving bad food ect. He cocks up he sorts it

puzzledout · 15/03/2024 17:42

JLou08 · 15/03/2024 17:32

Winds me up all the MN comments having a go at women about their partners doing more. Lucky you if you have a perfect partner or if they were a complete AH that it was easy to leave them.
Real life isn't usually that black and white, most of us have flaws but are on the whole good people. No one can really change their partner or force them to do everything the way they want it. If we were forcing them to do things our way we would then be abusive. And if your leaving your partner over some of the petti stuff I see LTB for on here then you can't have been that into them anyway.

You shouldn't need to "force" your partner to parent!

🤦‍♀️

No one is perfect, but not being perfect and being unable to look after your own children is two totally different things.

puzzledout · 15/03/2024 17:43

Roboticleg · 15/03/2024 17:41

Im a bloke, i can do it all (although happily admit the wife is better) husband needs to learn. He does this by suffering the consequences of not potty training, and giving bad food ect. He cocks up he sorts it

Yep! It's hardly rocket science is it!

Lionsgarden · 15/03/2024 17:47

Roboticleg · 15/03/2024 17:41

Im a bloke, i can do it all (although happily admit the wife is better) husband needs to learn. He does this by suffering the consequences of not potty training, and giving bad food ect. He cocks up he sorts it

‘He cocks up he sorts it’

Love this 😂

It’s actually spot on. OP’s DH can carry on messing up all he likes when he knows OP will swoop in and sort it out. To be clear, this is NOT her fault. But she shouldn’t have to put up with it.

To be crystal clear I am not saying LTB!! Or even leave him for a whole weekend (at first). Just have a bit more faith in his ability to change.

JLou08 · 15/03/2024 18:02

You're not wrong, it will get easier when they go to school. Primary school age is lovely, still plenty to do obviously but they can clearly communicate what they want, don't usually fight sleep as much,boundaries are instilled and they have more sense of danger so don't need constant supervision and you aren't worn out with having to stop them doing things they shouldn't. Activities are usually a lot calmer too, you can have nice conversations with them, chill watching films and have nice walks. Hang on in there, it will get easier.

JLou08 · 15/03/2024 18:07

puzzledout · 15/03/2024 17:42

You shouldn't need to "force" your partner to parent!

🤦‍♀️

No one is perfect, but not being perfect and being unable to look after your own children is two totally different things.

Show quote history

But she hasn't said he needs forcing, she said he never refuses but doesn't do it to her standards which leaves her with more work.

Either way, the comments on these type of thread are constantly getting at the woman as if she can wave a magic wand and the man will suddenly do everything the way they want it rather than just show the woman some empathy.

puzzledout · 15/03/2024 18:13

@JLou08 I responding to the poster I was quoting!! So no idea why you're relating my comment to the OP?

Quoting that other men are able to parent, is showing the OP that her DH is totally failing and she needs to address it!

You think it's acceptable to say "oh bless you, you chose someone inept, you must make it all easy for him", rather than saying, actually you need to address this as he is perfectly capable and you should expect more?

Because both OP and the other poster saying "it's because my man wasn't socialised" are allowing themselves to be broken.... is that a good idea?

Confusionn · 15/03/2024 18:14

Nope parenting does not work that way. You need to adapt to the situation not the other way around. I simply do not believe a 3 year old demands daily outings. The world will not fall off its axis if you stay in the odd time to catch up on things.

I have a six year old, a 2.11 year old and a 4 month old and although I am at playgroups 3 days a week with my youngest two, I allow myself time to catch up, and I don't put pressure on myself to be constantly "out' if you really admit it, the outings are more for your sanity than anything else, but there can be another way. You just need to accept things for the way they are now, it will make life easier for everyone.