To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

As above op i have twins. The only way i coped was taking every single minute of naps to do something for myself - no housework unless it was essential like washing up bottles. Nap time was my time. Do that without any guilt.

*doing

I know but the problem is the 3 year old doesn’t nap and the eight month old hardly does. She often naps on the go, car, pram.

Why does it make no difference if he takes them to the sodding park?

You said you needed a break, you're tired!

No you can't have a weekend or a week, because you chose to have children with a man that can't deal with them.

But a couple of hours regularly is surely better than nothing?

So I really don't get why it doesn't make a difference him taking them to the park!

Stop being a martyr!

I know and that’s the whole purpose of the post!

They go to the park for an hour, great. It’s all still here, isn’t it? The mess, the laundry, the endless nights, the nursery runs, being unable to relax in your own home.

I need a proper break where I am able to check out of it all for a while. And that won’t happen for many years. I will get there.

As an aside I really hate it when someone on here says ‘actually that makes no difference to me’ and is immediately told they are a martyr. I should surely be able to have a bit of a moan about the relentless grind of small children on MUMSNET of all places!

By all means moan but also take measures to improve things - do less housework - get a cleaner etc

Oh well then you'll just have to carry on without so much as a couple of hours peace!

Strange attitude that a couple of hours is worth nothing, I mean he could make it a full day? But I suppose that's no good either?

It's your choice, so I don't know the point in complaining.

You are being a martyr... at least own it!

You've been given ideas, but it's no no no to all of them.

🤷‍♀️

Then don’t hang around. I don’t get the point of relying to threads to say you don’t see the point. It’s a vent, a moan.

Just imagine, I know my life, children and husband better than MN do. How peculiar.

As I’ve said a few times I will be getting a cleaner when I go back to work.

OP in my experience on here people don’t seem able to let you vent, they have to give advice. So it’s always get out in puddle suits & wear them out or set up lots of activity stations at home or LTB. It’s not what you’re asking for & it is ok just to express your frustration. I have a lot of shit going on & I’ve learnt not to tell people as I invariably get the well meaning but ultimately unhelpful advice, particularly when autistic DD was school refusing. It definitely does get better- yes there are more challenges but they become more able to engage in their own world so you do get more time to yourself- you just do. Keep on buggering on OP- you’ll get there.

It is really tough at the ages you have got, but if your husband is not doing the basics as well then that makes it even harder.
however one thing that would make the biggest difference (given you don’t seem to be willing to require changes from your H) is to sleep train the 8 month old. When you are well rested the rest will feel much more achievable.

@Worstyearyet i hear all that, there’s a lot going on here too I haven’t gone into as I can’t face the Why Don’t You Just.

op it's very very hard no matter what the circumstances and you have my sympathy. I have teens now and life is generally lovely. BUT you did post on Aibu so I have to say you are being vv u with your attitude to the kids father. Sure its easier to do it yourself but it will never get better if he doesn't step up now, you will be doing everything in 5 years because he can't possibly remember that Friday is PE day or little Becky needs the yellow football Jersey for Sunday. When it comes to the mornings, write him a list. EVERYTHING goes on the list. Wake up, change Becky, bring her to me for a feed if bf. Bring Johnny to toilet, then downstairs. He liked juice in the yellow cup, sit him in the high chair, he eats two spoons of rice krispies in the blue bowl with full fat milk and use the rubber bib that's in the kitchen drawer. Everything, just like you were training in a new minder. If he still messes up then it'd deliberate. Only then will you truly get a lie in. Good luck! It'll take effort but it'll be worth it.

What would make a difference is if you could parent as a team, at least at the weekends when I assume he's not working.
Small things like he gets them up on Saturday morning and makes them breakfast while you have an extra hours sleep. He plays with them while you sort the laundry (or vice versa).
It's just the way you're talking about him as if he's incapable of doing anything - can't feed them, can't take them to the toilet etc.
If he's already leaving 100% of the parenting to you he'll continue to leave it to you as they grow up.
We all know this wasn't the point of your post but it's really contributing to your exhaustion!

Whilst I fully sympathise with the relentless grind of babies and small children OP, I think you’re going to come to regret your approach to sharing the load with your DH and not just due to how tired you’re going to continue to be. But at some point you’re going to stop being a willing participant (martyr) in this family dynamic and the resentment will kick in, especially when your kids get older and start pointing it out to you or (worse) start acting like him with their version of learned incompetence.

No doubt your DH is a lovely man, but right now it appears he is a poor excuse for a domestic partner and if you don’t ever step back and let him ‘make and do’ because ‘it’s easier to do it myself’ then you will learn to regret it and resent him. Resentment is poison to relationships.

So, whilst having 1-2 hours break whilst he goes to the park, might not seem like a top priority, it’s actually really important in the long term. He needs to build confidence as a father and so what if there are some dirty pants or mess to clear up after - that he needs to learn to manage.

Your current setup is turning you into his mother - which will never turn out well.

Hi there, I hear you. Do you have family nearby? Could your DH take the children to visit in laws for example, for a night or two one weekend? That way he’d have help so wouldn’t struggle, your house would stay clean (!) and you’d have some time to unwind. Difficult perhaps when the baby is so young but maybe a thought? I would say a cleaner is a must when you go back to work, I agree that sometimes they create more work but it’s invaluable to ensure some order to our house. Ours also changes all the beds & puts the washing on, which was something we didn’t ask her to do before having both children but now it’s just a helpful way of getting yet another chore ticked off.

I know it's meant well but I do wince when a solution to a man not parenting is for him to take them to His mother

You are burning yourself out because he's useless ,kids don't come with a manual we all have to learn as we go why should men be any different he chose to have kids aswell so he should step up and actually be a parent

You don't want to hear about your dh being useless when that's literally why your so tired if he actually done his share of parenting instead of leaving it all to you then your problem would be solved , but no rather than sit your dh down and tell him he needs to stop being a lazy incompetent AH you come here moaning then get uppity when the obvious is pointed out sigh

You need to reach out to social worker and/or support organisations/charities. Red Cross for example offers low cost babysitting in many countries. Yes you need a break, you're entitled to a break, you can't operate as a machine mum. Nobody can.
If you do have a partner, THEY MUST step up. It can't all be in on you. Do you have any friends at all who could lend a hand?

Once you've got some breaks under your belt with the help of the above-mentioned, make a weekly schedule for me time, continue using those resources.
For example in my area the library and gym have low-cost creches I used every week when my son was not yet at school. (And we also shared all parenting with DH and DS went to daycare. But we needed more support without any family nearby).

Please reach out. There's no shame in that, completely the opposite.

@Phoenixfire1988 i genuinely don’t see what’s to be gained by a DH pile on. All it does is let some people vent their frustration and fine but it’s not their thread. I am endlessly repeating myself but it isn’t that he’s useless more lazy. In any case, he isn’t here much. There’s no easy solution. It’s just waiting for them to get older!

I now read all your responses and this obviously isn't at all what you'd want to hear but right now it's you who's stopping you from having breaks. (Infuriating, yes). Your DH can do more on the weekends and you could get a minder for a few hours.
When you're exhausted, sleep deprived and frustrated, everything feels wrong and nothing seems like a solution (I've been there). But once you get smaller breaks you'll eventually find a way to make them longer and have a proper break.
Your life DOESN'T need to be what it is now.