To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

I feel you🫂

I have 4 children, 2 school age and 2 toddlers 2 and 3. DH works alot as he runs his own business we're talking 60hr+ a week, and when he is at home mostly constant calls. 3yo is autistic which is added strain and exhaustion. And though I've coped well up til recently I'm reaching breaking point. I have no help in terms of family. I have family - they just dont help! Neither of us ever get a break from work (DH) or the children. We've never had a night away from the kids! As I'm a SAHM all the housework and most of the childcare falls down to me. I'm exhausted beyond belief and never get a break. My comment isn't of any advice, just one to let you know you aren't alone xxx

I was responding to you@JLou08 !!

Not giving his own child breakfast or taking him to the toilet is inexcusable.

Another twin mummy here and having two young ones is relentless. My DH is way more hands on than yours sounds (hard to know exactly from a few paragraphs but as wel as working full time he did 50:50 of everything at home….. but I was still shattered, fed up, wishing time away, miserable etc . I did get breaks (he paid for me to go to a hotel in York by myself with 1st class train travel for a weekend) and I was unable to relax and switch off the whole time as doing it all is so draining 2 days is really fuck all in 365 days.

my twins went to nursery and things got easier… and now they’re in school I’m happy! I work full time in a nice office and see other people, see friends, have down time, exercise, have time to just drink water and we are both rested and happy, the twins are happy. Never had a cleaner as when they’re older it’s just more manageable

Not giving his own child breakfast or taking him to the toilet is inexcusable.

Completely this!! My DH doesn't clean to my standards and might feed our toddler fewer veggies for tea than I would if he was parenting alone. But Christ alive he can do the bloody basics of feeding her and taking her to the toilet 😳 I don't know how any woman can accept that a father can't feed his child. Dreadful.

Sorry, OP. But that's awful.

No. No one is "perfect." Remembering to feed your children and take them to the loo is not expecting perfection. It is BASIC parenting. If your standards are so low that you don't expect your partner to remember to feed your kids then that's on you.

I completely get where your coming from. I too have a 3yo and a 9 week old. Prior to going on maternity leave my son was at pre school 2 mornings a week, I work a 42.5hr week with flexible hours from home, but would quite often be required to do overtime at an average of 10hrs per week. My typical day would start at 4am working till 8.30 and then working my son's nap and husband's lunch (also WFH) then by the time dinner and bath is done I was exhausted. I thought being on maternity would be slightly easier, but with only get a few hours broken sleep a night, a demanding toddler who asks 6 million questions a day my brain is fried come 5pm and my son even goes to pre school every morning and naps most days still.

My point is, it is bloody hard, and I get what your saying ref the partner. If I send the kids out for the day with dad I will have to prep the bag etc and tbh even if I did get given the chance to lay in I would prob be so stuck in routine, I'd wake up anyway, and it's not like he did around doing nothing while I do it all. He parents the 3yo till he goes to school and I have the baby.

Hang in there, out time for a few hours of will come, even if it's when the youngest goes to pre school for a few hours.

I can't see how I can ever work full time with two kids 😬

No. No one is "perfect." Remembering to feed your children and take them to the loo is not expecting perfection. It is BASIC parenting. If your standards are so low that you don't expect your partner to remember to feed your kids then that's on you.

Absolutely 💯 agree

Women have a habit of making excuses for men. Let's just reverse that. Imagine he had written this post and you were the one being hopeless. The shame on you would be biblical. Tell him he needs to shape up or fuck off and pay.

Been there as a lone parent and yes it is soooo hard. Hang in there, mine are 4 and 5 now and already do much easier

Op, I see you. I fantasise about a night in a hotel, alone, eating snacks in bed with the tv on and a guaranteed full night of sleep.

But why is that not possible?

You don't want a dh pile on but equally you're burnt out? The only way he will get better is by doing. What are you role modelling to your children? Why can't we work on things we aren't 'good' at?

Get up on a Saturday morning, feed and dress the kids then head out. Have a nice day in town, or even book a hotel room if you just want to sleep. Then come home at bedtime.

Your husband is a grown man, he can manage. Mine has been getting up with our little one since she was a baby, as soon as she was weaning he was up making her breakfast on the weekends, always changed nappies, took a week off work to help tackle potty training, if DD pee’s all over something he’ll give her a quick shower, stick her clothes in the wash and clean up. He is very competent at his work, if he acted like he was useless with DD I would have raised an eyebrow.

Your husband is useless because he knows you will just pick up the slack. Thats not nice OP, you are exhausted and your husband is not being nice or kind by not taking care of stuff so that you can rest. That is not how loving people behave.

I've not rtft, just your posts OP but I completely get where you're coming from. I was you 7 years ago. With a partner that works long hours it's hard. I wouldn't leave my DH with a toddler and a baby for a weekend when he's been working all week either. Kids or no kids, if you're working 12 hour days all week, you need a bit of a rest at the weekend. Even if it's not much of a rest because of the kids, it's still better than solo parenting them. It does get better, when they're both in school it's definitely easier. One thing that saved my sanity when I was at your stage was a gym with crèche. Do you have one locally, would it be affordable? Just putting them both in for an hour was bliss, sometimes I'd just sit in the cafe!

You need to let your partner sink or swim at this point. Hand him both kids on his next day off and go spend the day doing self care.

Agreed! My DH would be totally insulted if I inferred he couldn't look after his own children adequately.

came to say it will get easier. My kids are 6 and nearly 3. Sometimes I feel totally exhausted, I work full time and sometimes I feel so fed up with the rat race and all things parenting.. but it is a LOT easier than it was a few years ago.

We had three boys in less than four years, the youngest didn't sleep through the night until he was two and a half, but I just got on with it. I never occurred to me to have all this "me time" I see mothers talking about.

OK you win

In the kindest way possible I think maybe lower your standards and let your husband just get on with it more. He will manage.
I know how you feel because I feel like my partner doesn't even put my 2 year old nappies on right sometimes when he has him. But hes fjne. It's hard to let go of how you want things and how you do things with them but you really need to look after yourself and have a break.
I went away for the first time for a night with my mum and son is over 2 years old (was still breast feeding, but is weaned now) and it was absolute bliss. He was fine with his dad. My partner did a lot in the day with him and he kept him up late because he went to his families , which I wouldn't do necessarily but they were both happy and I got a rest.
Sending love and strength though. I have one child and that's exhausting and I found the baby stage pretty relentless but it really does go so fast. I did used to get annoyed when people told me that though haha. X

A lot of this thread is pretty mean.
I don’t have a toddler and a baby op but I do have one year old twins, I know what you mean. You want a chill!
All the commenters having a go about DH, yeah maybe he could do more, but he isn’t currently and that doesn’t mean you should leave him, what planet are you all on?! Of course, ask for more, strive for more, but if you’re anything like me I’d rather do it myself. It’s just the way some of us are (and my husband does ALOT, but I just like the way I do things so it doesn’t relieve stress to have him do it his own way).
I know you’ve said you’re not looking for a solution, just a moan. I get that. I’ll give a few bits anyway and feel free to ignore!
I have a cleaner once a week, I use it as motivation to do a tidy up the night before, go out while they are here, and come home to a gorgeous house.
One weekend day, I don’t have a lie in exactly because I just wake up anyway now but my husband takes them downstairs and I chill for half an hour then get a nice long shower and get ready before going down and joining.

it really helps me to get a wash on in the first hour of the morning, means it’s been in the dryer by their second nap and I fold it while watching tv and that’s become therapeutic.
I also keep on top of stuff while they are awake so I don’t always need to use their naps doing chores, I just involve them in what I’m doing or chat to them etc while doing dishes.

im back at work full time (been part time for three months) next week so im sure I’ll be here moaning with you then!

No one is suggesting she leaves him, they are suggesting he parents his children and supports his wife.

Are you seriously berating people for needing breaks from continually difficult and stressful conditions?