To be so desperate for a break

[Backintothewoods]

I don’t want the thread to fill up with ways it can happen as realistically it just can’t. I have two children, eight months and three and I’m absolutely exhausted. The baby doesn’t sleep well, she was up for two and a half hours in the night and then wakes intermittently before that.

The three year old is lovely but very boisterous and full on, likes lots of outdoor time, climbing, playing, running. Quiet days in front of films or colouring just don’t happen here.

I am on the go 6 am till about half seven and then I have a small window to desperately do household tasks, then the night shift. I’m worn out.

i want some time for me so badly, a weekend without children, to lie in, read, watch films, sleep. It will happen one day I know. But I want it NOW 😭

No we really couldn’t. Unless you’re offering to pay which I doubt. It really is a sounding off thread and I am saddened by the fact I can’t share these feelings here.

'it isn’t that he’s useless more lazy'

Sorry OP, I don't understand this. Isn't being lazy around very young children (not giving them breakfast, not taking them to the toilet, by your own description), the definition of 'useless'? And to repeat no-one is saying LTB - and they're actually not saying he's useless, either! They are saying he could and should do more.

Also, I understand your need to vent and I think you've had a lot of sympathy, including from posters (me included) who think your DH needs to step up. But posting on AIBU isn't really the space just to 'vent' - I do mean this kindly but next time maybe post on Parenting, or Chat? On AIBU you are inviting robust opinions, and you've received them.

(I think Mumsnet can actually move the thread to Parenting, if you'd find that helpful)

Well, I’m not going to be allowed to share how lonely and tough I’m finding it, am I? .

You can in Chat.

I have a cleaner every two weeks. What I try to do and have always done is keep all surfaces relatively free of stuff, , keep floors clean of clothes and shoes, remove all stray newspapers, put away all dishes and make sure toilets clean. They can then get on with the cleaning.

@Backintothewoods Yes you are absolutely allowed! You have shared and the vast majority of people have been very supportive. I'm just saying in chat/parenting you wouldn't get such strong opinions, usually.

This is depressing!! You would 'never' expect your DH to mind his own children for a weekend?
What if you get sick/accident or just want to spend time with friends?
You'll just never have you time again?

I think you would. There is a bit of a myth on here that AIBU is the bitchy part of the site and everywhere else is super helpful and supportive. One of the most upsetting threads I’ve ever had was in the childcare bit!

Anyway - I’m having a particularly exhausting time at the moment and it will pass. In the meantime all I need is a baby, a cleaner and a full time laundry maid

*nanny. Not baby. I do NOT need another baby! 😂

I wouldn’t expect DH to go away for a whole weekend and leave me with two little ones actually. Maybe some people do but I wouldn’t do it to DH and I would be most pissed off if he did it to me.

OP, I think you are ignoring the wisdom on this thread, and quite frankly it's a bit insulting when your are asking people to take time out of their day to reply to you. You are getting answers from people who have been through this and come out the other side, with shit husbands, no husbands and great husbands. Do you not think that they have some very valuable life experience to pass down to you?

Do you think the posters here want to harm you or help you? Why do you think your husband is getting a pile on? It's not just for fun, is it? It's because the women here who have been there, seen it, done can see the problem 100% clear as day. Your husband is the problem, and I'm sorry but everything you say smacks of extremely cliched denial.

I have six year old twins – From the ages of birth to five, we had no cleaner, no babysitters, no family taking them, didn't even have a dishwasher or a tumble dryer. I also worked 40 hours a week, with an 3hr round commute each day, as did my DH. It sounds very tough, and it was, but my DH is 100% a parent – he got up with them at night, we shared lie ins, he took them out for full days and for the most part of weekends if I had a hen do or a wedding etc, he cooked and changed nappies and did the laundry, hoovering, cleaning and dishes. He took 6 months parental leave and raised his children.

He had never even held a baby until his own were born. He is a full parent because he cared about being one. Nothing you say about your husband is an excuse for his complete lack of involvement in your shared life.

You'd likely be pissed off because he leaves it all to you all the time anyway. If he were a full parent then I can almost guarantee you would be happy enough to let him go away and have a break.

@Didimum to me it’s just so pointless. I’m not meaning to be insulting towards anyone but endlessly repeating the same points … DH isn’t magically going to start being super parent and not lazy, leaving him is not an option, so what DO people want me to say!

I feel for you as I’m in a similar situation

I don’t know why people have to play the ‘I have it harder card’

having young kids is tough and it’s not always easy to do the things people suggest

my oh doesn’t have the kids at the weekends because he’s busy working on our house, there will be single parents out there who have it easier because they have family support and don’t need to do things to their house, so it’s easy to say

everything is a choice including who you decide to get pregnant by

if you are an older mum you don’t necessarily have time to wait to have another child

if you have experienced pregnancy loss you don’t want to wait incase it takes a while to have a viable pregnancy

people look at me and see I have 3 young kids, what they don’t see is I took one of them on to save them from being taken into care

they don’t see the multiple miscarriages I had before my first and the many times I checked that stick with disappointment therefore didn’t want to waste time with my second

they don’t see that after my child was born we had to take on the care of an elderly relative

they don’t see that I’ve lost both of my parents and my partner has lost one

but they will say I’ve got a partner so it’s easy for me

But crap in a way that's making you post about it 🤷🏼‍♀️ Obviously people are going to have something to say about it. Speak to him. Make him pull his weight. They're his children too!

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I don't think you should leave him. I think posters likely want you to stop defending your DH and giving him a get out of jail free card. This get out of jail free card is the value of your mental health – why give that to any fully competent adult? It's insulting to YOU. You are very likely a brilliant mother and you deserve no less.

No one magically becomes anything – they become it because they have either a natural talent, a keen interest or because their life requires the skills. So he may not have a natural talent (very few people do), but why should he not have a keen interest in his children and struggling wife and why should it not be required of him?

He needs to be forced to become an equal parent and partner if he isn't going to step up willingly. This could look like the following:
– Sitting down together when you have 30 minutes of time and space and very seriously telling him that you need him to do more, and that he needs to take both children solo for more than a trip to the park, on a regular (not necessarily frequent).
– Switching up lie ins at the weekend so you take turns
– Housework that you cannot take in without stress and difficulty is left to both of you out of work hours and weekends.
– Leaving him and going out for 2-3 hours. Don't write things down for him, don't instruct him with a timeline, don't be available for anything more than an emergency call. You are not his manager. Your children will not suffer – he is their dad.

If he is not receptive to the above, or gets angry or defensive, then, quite frankly, you know where you stand.

You won't get hate for yourself, but people will very understandably be asking why he gets to be too incompetent to look after his own children, leaving you to pick up all the slack.

If he doesn't know how to do it now, fine! But he can learn, and he should, if he cares about you.

Why, why, why, are women so willing to run themselves into the ground to protect their husbands frim doung 1/10th of the parenting?

Well like everyone else has said the biggest problem is your DH. Its really not a case of "hes not good with some things" these are HIS children and his wife. You also dont need a cleaner you need your husband to start doing more. Its his house and theyre his kids too. The vast majority of men (and women) didnt know what to do when they first had children. You deal with it and learn as you go along. He sounds useless and sorry but youre allowing it. Tell him youre going out for the day, where the pullups are etc then leave him to it. You dont need another child ffs

This. Your DH needs to "learn" like we all have. He should naturally want to do that for his children and for you. Its no good being great at "other things" if hes not parenting or supporting his own family. You are going to end up having a breakdown at this rate. Why is he allowing this and more importantly why are you? Me and DH both worked and had 2 young children. He did house work too, shopping, cleaning etc thats what you do as a family. Why do so many women think men shouldnt do anything else other than work? Its not the 1940s

You can't be that desperate for a break if you are doing nothing about it. Even taking your apparently useless husband (who could learn by the way) out of it there are other options. My mother has taken them for a break. Sometimes we pay for a babysitter. Mother's help is an option. But you are choosing not to get help which is why I think people are frustrated on this.

It is hard but you seem to have cut out the whole village

Completely get it, I was at breaking point 18months ago

8 years and 3 year old with additional needs (PEG fed) it was exhausting. Nothing has really changed but I don’t feel as trapped and exhausted. I still don’t get breaks other than going to work.

Vent! It’s ok but know it will come and u’ll look back and think how did I get through that x x

I haven't read the whole post as it was infuriating me on your behalf OP. My childrens' dad sounds very similar to yours. He was helpful in his own way, but would get quite overwhelmed looking after both children when they were little. For all those telling you to leave... my husband left when the kids were 8 and 6 and it went from doing everything myself, to doing everything myself but having no emotional support and two very upset, confused children who missed their daddy.
Things will get easier (and more challenging in some ways!), but one day you will get the break you need. For now, try and take any chance you can get to do something for yourself, even if it is just a relaxing bath or an extra long toilet break 😂 Those maternity leave days can be long and lonely, but as mad as it sounds, you might feel better once you are at work again.

Barely anyone (no one actually??) is telling her to leave. They are telling her to demand more for herself and her kids.

He was helpful in his own way, but would get quite overwhelmed looking after both children when they were little.
The poor lamb, but as long as you suffered instead of him, right?