To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

Yeah he's a teacher so just assume he won't be around to parent his own kids unless it's the holidays....🙄

My partner missed parents evening as he was stuck at work. I took the kids on my own, like a big girl.
No one died.

OP didn't know he was going to be a no show until too late though.

And yeah no one died but that kid now thinks his parents don't care

Of course it’s his fault, he’s the one who knows his appointments not OP.

People are really reaching to blame the OP here, typical MN.

Bit of an overreaction. I missed a parents evening (forgot it ) but the teacher rescheduled it.

Would think if there were any real issues they would have mentioned them previously??

What time was his parent evening due to finish?

I am a teacher who has forgotten important things, including nice things that were of benefit to me.

Not because I am awful, or couldn't give a shit about my family, or don't prioritise my kids, or don't respect my dp. I promise you that none of those things are true. I just forgot. Except my dp would understand.

There's actually quite a lot of threads on MN from women who forget family related things - including parents evenings, picking their child up from school, taking their child to a party, that it's an inset day, that their child should have gone to school dressed as a spaceman ....

It's really not a man only problem.

I can see missing parents evening was annoying, but as a one off it's not the end of the world.

My dc's have always been quite excited about parents evening, wondering what would be said about them etc (in a nice way, at primary anyway!) The impact on the dc doesn't seem to get mentioned much

You need a very serious conversation with him.

"Nobody died" translated to "you picked up the pieces(as I know you always do when I prioritise myself over the family".

You can't switch off.

If he felt shame nor resource ir spread the mental load and actively took a parenting role in his childrens lives, I doubt youd be writing this post.

Not the point of the thread, but my DC were always expected to attend parents' meetings. I'd assumed this must be the norm these days.

Not in primary. Secondary, yes.

Of course it’s his fault, he’s the one who knows his appointments not OP.

People are really reaching to blame the OP here, typical MN.

It's both of them to be fair.
The plan was unlikely to be workable.

The DH should have spoken up sooner and said to OP in advance that he's unlikely to get out from his work parents evening so she could book an earlier appointment that's more convenient to go without him.

After they'd already booked this appointment, at half 5 when he wasn't back, OP could have taken the children with her. It's hardly late at night. She chose not to attend.

In my opinion, if he's saying a flat no to being contactable all day, he needs to take active responsibility for remembering appointments and/or updating you if plans have to change. That's not unreasonable at all. You're not his secretary, expected to adapt to and anticipate his varying needs through the day.

OP has already said that they hadnt had their dinner. Going to school and back would probably mean dinner after 630 - with grouchy, tired young children.
All of this is fine if planned, but this wasn't the plan. Getting yourself out of the house can be very different to getting yourself, your baby and your 4 year old out with no pre-warning.

My mum was SLT in a school and managed to do more than 50% of everything parenting and household related, despite working long days full time. Women tend to find a way around it!

My husband is a teacher and is exactly the same. It drives me mad.

Things have changed quite a lot in the last few years. 5 years ago I did a lot more around the house/childcare than I do now. Maybe even slightly more than 50%. But I'm working on average an extra 2hrs a day now compared to pre-covid.

So good for your mum. But she wouldn't be able to do 50% if she was working as SLT or class teacher nowadays.

You are both being unreasonable and I've no idea how some of the posters get the idea that you are more contactable in primary. I accidentally didn't put my phone on airplane mode once in my primary classroom and got a written warning as it light up in my bag and SLT saw.
DH is secondary, he's walked out of a lesson when DD was seriously ill and generally has his phone on him during breaks, but wouldn't be texting me in the middle of the day and in an emergency I could always call the school. I would understand on the days that he has break duty and lunchtime clubs he's unlikely to message me as it's so full on (in both secondary and primary). Teaching is unfortunately all consuming.
If he had parents eve I would not expect him to be able to come back for our own DC parents eve and plan accordingly.
But then also men..if you are working part time or a woman you are expecting to pick up the mental load and society needs to be changed with regard to this.

@SuperBored - not sure you believe it? WTF? This is the policy at my children's school why would I lie?

I hate small minded posters like you. There is more that exists outside the small circumference of your perceived world.

My eldest is 10 so I am not talking about something I have experienced only 1 /2 times.

Why would I make this struggle up? For what reason?

@Hairspray123 yes it is quite brutal not only for single parents and people who work (like me) but also when you have 3 sets of teachers for each child etc. Nightmare.

Have to say preferred it during Covid when it was all online.

It really does cause a huge amount of stress.

I will suggest again off the back of your advice!

Crap on his part but I'd have just taken the dc to parents' evening with me. It isn't as if they'd have been hanging around for hours.

He has a very busy job and was doing parents evening for his own students for goodness sake.
Maybe he doesn't check his phone cos you're like this 😂

"It's your responsibility to deal with anything that comes up" that would infuriate me beyond belief. He's a parent too isn't he? What if one of them had an accident and you had to go to hospital or something. I think he is being well out of order. Being a teacher himself he should know how important parents evening is to the parents, so why would he not manage things to enable you to go to his own kids parents evening!! I can understand your fury.

In that case, why did he agree to come home at 5:30?