To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

I can't speak for other professions but from the experience of my colleagues, single parent teachers really struggle to cover their own childcare for parents' evenings. They are usually scheduled until 7pm in schools and in poorly-run schools they often overrun, meaning that remaining at nursery (which usually closes at 6pm, occasionally 6.30pm) is not an option.

I know OP hasn't been back since last night but just want to say how absolutely INFURIATING this is. It always amazes me - most schools are dominated by female teachers. I bet you £100000000000 that they are able to find the 20 seconds to ocassionally check a phone and that they are also fully capable of making it home on time to pick up children/meet commitments.

This!!

I said it's fine not to check your phone at work, but not OK to absolve yourself from commitments that have been made to your family because you're too busy at work, without even telling your partner that you won't be there. That's the issue for me. Having a partner who picks up the slack at home without even a call to say you won't be there is a luxury, and it is one that is often, but not always, afforded to men.

He should have remembered parents evening for his children. I would be very annoyed about that. It's important and should have been on his radar.

However, YABU to expect him to be checking his phone during a busy day teaching, even at lunchtime - teachers often don't get a minute to themselves in the day. It's a very busy and stressful job.

If there was an emergency then you could still ring the school and someone would go and get him, that's what they did before mobile phones.

Also be happy you're not where I SM. They are during school hours only. School ends at 4pm

The DH didn’t absolve himself of family commitments and deliberately no show without notifying the OP.

He was so busy, he completely forgot. That is an unintentional, minor error. It is mostly likely irrelevant because he came home as soon as he was free. If he had remembered, he still would not have been able to leave in time.

Yes, I’d be annoyed, but fuming is an over reaction and I probably would have said “no one died, calm down fgs” if my DH were reacting like the OP has and placing 100% of blame on my shoulders for what was a poor plan that we both mistakenly thought would work for our first parents evening.

If OP comes back then she can clarify for us but I don't think it's just this isolated issue. Looking back at the OP, she says he refuses to make any effort to be more contactable and he clearly isn't taking responsibility to set himself his own reminders. That's a man who is checking out of his responsibilities.

He was so busy, he completely forgot.

It's interesting how this is a fairly male specific phenomena.

I have a busy job, I have friends in busy jobs, none of them 'forget' that their families/commitments exist.

Stop excusing men for being incapable of thinking of anything except what's smack bang in front of them, it's embarrassing.

I bet you £100000000000 that they are able to find the 20 seconds to ocassionally check a phone and that they are also fully capable of making it home on time to pick up children/meet commitments
Not if we have parents evening or a twilight session that forms part of our directed time.

In my experience it seems to be a struggle for colleagues to manage their own childcare on parents evenings and twilights if they are single parents or have spouses who work away because we are expected to be at work. Parents evenings aren't optional. They're a part of the job.

Let's be really honest all the people on this thread who seem to think teachers should walk out of their directed time duties would probably be some of the first to complain if their child's teacher wasn't at parents evening or walked out leaving parents unseen.

Did you talk to him about it in the morning and he agreed to be home by 5.30? If yes, then I would be very upset.

Is it annoying or does it give the teacher rest and breathing space?

It's annoying when it's the last appointment of the evening (as in this case), especially if there is a gap in appointments beforehand. It's also annoying in schools where the expectation is that teachers must phone the no-show parents to provide the information that should have been shared on parents' evening.

Normally I stick up for teachers on these threads, but he's being a twat.

If he was in the heady romantic throes of a new relationship, you can bet he would find the time to check his phone multiple times per day at school. I certainly do. He just doesn't care and can't be bothered.

Teaching is full on, but there is also the stereotype of the new Dad, sitting round in the staffroom after work reading the paper, drinking a tea. And you just know he's going to walk in the door at home and tell his wife how busy he's been and how he couldn't get away. I remember an older teacher pointing one out to me once when I started teaching. They're a known breed.

If that was the case, he should have messaged his wife and let her know he was going to run over.

It is annoying but my goodness what a fuss about something not that important in the grand scheme of things.

It isn’t a “fairly male specific phenomena”. I and other mums have admitted we do it too. We are not a teeny tiny few bad working mums compared to 99% of working mums who remember everything and never let a plate drop.

The TV show Motherland had at least two jokes an episode where one of the Mums gets so busy she forgets something and then that plays up on the theme of parents being too busy to keep all the plates spinning.

Im not excusing men at all. The “if he were a woman, this wouldn’t have happened” is such a lazy and irrational argument to make.

No shows are absolutely annoying. Especially the last ones when you are ready to go home but have to give grace that they may be running late so wait. There could also have been a big gap from the last appointment. So you may have waited around 30-40 minutes for no one to show up. Then you have to rearrange the meeting and give more of your time for a meeting on another day.

@Cherryon

I'm not saying if he were a woman it wouldn't have happened, I'm saying that I and many others I know don't get the option of not paying attention and then having the audacity to say "ah well nobody died, what are you moaning about?".

In motherland (which is fictitious...) they do drop a ball, but they also drag themselves through the fucking mire for it. Is OP's husband? No, he doesn't appear to give a shit. I don't get the luxury of not giving a shit.

He knows he's not the default parent, so why put any extra effort in to actually remember things?

If that was the case, he should have messaged his wife and let her know he was going to run over
He can't just leave parents evening to make personal phonecalls because him and his wife made silly plans that were unlikely to be manageable. It's a situation caused by both of them not making sensible plans in my opinion.

Anyone who has been in teaching more than 6 months knows how parents evenings work (and quite a lot of non-teachers who are parents could probably come to the same conclusions tbh).

It's annoying. I still have to be there and don't need/want a breather space! I'd rather get home to my family and someone missing an appointment is 10 minutes I could have spent with my family.

Also, if it's a child where I NEED to speak to the parents, I then have to phone them.

I wouldn't want him as my child's teacher, he clearly prioritises his job over his own children.
I am a primary school teacher and a parent, check phone break and lunch, and manage parents evenings...because I'm proud of my class but I love my own kids.

WTF. He is an adult. The plan worked for her - if it didnt work for him then yes of course its on him to flag it

I'm not really sure why either of you thought he'd be there in time with his own parents evenings going on. That plan was never realistic. He shouldn't have committed to it, and you should have been prepared to be flexible.

I think being married to a teacher is probably tricky. In future don’t count him in. Book your parents evening early take the kids with you and go. If he decides he is attending he can arrange himself to get there. I wouldn’t rely on him. Teaching obviously has pros such as the holidays but the con is that it doesn’t really fit around your own children. I would contact your child’s teacher and explain and see if you can arrange a meeting because you missed it.