To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

In a one off situation like this I would have just dragged the kids with me and had them sit in a corridor with a book. It’s not ideal but it sounds like next time just book some childcare for a few hours.
he couldn’t be there - it doesn’t mean he cares for other kids more than his - just mean he had a work commitment and couldn’t be in two places at once - it happens

DH texts me all through his working day. It’s easily possible. Especially as there’s a break between end of day and beginning of parents evening. Even if small.

YANBU

They can have a spare desk set up. If parent keeps talking and ranting when time is called they can get up and move. An alarm would help.

So say heaven forgive his child dies. He doesn't want to be told about it until after work?

😂😂😂😂
So teacher leaves irate ranting parent and moves to another desk!!! You should be a comedian!

To be fair if you have an irate ranting parent the issue is too big to be dealt with at parents evening. I wouldn't move table but I would be ending the meeting and scheduling another when I have the time to talk properly. Every other parent's time is as important as a ranting parent.

Shouldn’t have ranting parents full stop.

Adults should be able to have a conversation - no ranting required.

Fair enough, but I've never attended a parents evening that ran to schedule. Bit like the GPs (well not that bad) but I've never blamed the teacher. I'd be jacked off though if the teacher announced when it did get to me - well I'm off home now.

Oh my this would drive me demented... 😱😱.

This thread appears to be full of men opting out of life as they're SOO busy doing their VERY IMPORTANT MANZ THINGS... (women never do anything important 🤔or are busy...)

I completely understand so many jobs are very full on... I've worked in them... BUT there is 2 mins when you pop to loo, 2 mins when you go to water/coffee machine... Enough to check..

It would make me feel like a. Slave /enabler in my partners life... And be default everything...

sorry but in the workplace it's not unreasonable to be uncontactable. Especially in a school setting where teachers are busy from the moment they get to work. I often don't have a lunchtime because of issues with kids. If there is an emergency you phone the reception and they will pass the message.

Your other half had parents evening to deal with himself, there's no reason you couldn't have taken the kids with you- messing up a bedtime 1 night out of 100s is not a big deal. Yea it's annoying but being a teacher and having kids myself i see the other side and to be quite honest i never go to parents evenings they are just a waste of time- i know already how my kids are doing.

Why is it your responsibility to deal with anything that comes up? He needs to go back to the 1900's with that attitude!

I'm going to assume that the two days you're in work, the school would contact you if there was an issue with your dc and you would be the one leaving work to pick them up?

So..

The two days you're at work I would make a point of making sure your dc's school has your dh's school's reception number for emergencies and turn your phone on silent.

Make a point that he still has all the responsibilities that you have, despite being in work.

It would be good for him to see how anxiety provoking it is not being able to contact you when he can't leave work to get your dc.

the school has a phone 🤔

Ok so clearly your DH is bvvu. Absolutely no question of that. It's not feasible that he can just switch off, never looking at his phone because of his Very Important Job (I'm a teacher too btw).

That's not that important to you though I'd imagine as you're married and presumably want to stay - hopefully happily married.

So really the question is no who is bu at this stage but what can you do going forward?

I'd say first off, relax it's not the end of the world. This is your (your = plural / family) first rodeo with parents evening and you messed up. He's right, nobody died. His reaction is off though so presumably he was caught off guard and got defensive or else this is the norm he's an utter tosser. Hopefully it's the former.

I'm speaking from pov that every tiny thing went nuclear in my house and I was starting to hate my DH for many years. I then, at the end of my tether and with nothing to lose tried a new strategy I read about in some I thought crappy book of not blaming (and also saying thank you a lot for small things) and miraculously things improved beyond anything I expected. It seems dated, sexist to start but really what has happened is he now 1) always showers me with thank yous, 2) rarely if ever criticises me and 3) when problems crop up which they do we navigate ourselves out far quicker than before.

When you're both relaxed try asking him how work is going these days. Is he stressed and overwhelmed. Tell him you admire how hard he works or at least acknowledge that he works hard. Then tell him how life has changed more than you realised it would. Explain how upset you felt about parents evening and why - embarrassed and that you'd let your LO down. Suggest some strategies for situations like this going forward.

I know it's gratifying to know you're right but you're married to your husband not the posters on this thread.

That's where you're wrong. Male staff particularly (for fairly obvious reasons - and have a look at one of the cases that led to the introduction of the upskirting law if you really don't believe me) can and do find themselves in need of alternative employment as a result of phone use, not just phone use and something unequivocally illegal being found on them.

Stupidliefromfriend

OR on a very basic level assume you are equal and he has a responsibility towards his wife and family and you work to live not live to work.

there is nothing wrong with OP stating ‘we’re important to’

DH works hard - I pick up the slack - his career has progressed - I should thank him he should thank me for helping him get where he is - not the other way round! I have little career left as I supported the children.

If you had come home to me as in this instance and just said "well no one died", I'd be pretty upset.
Everyone forgets stuff, it's how they deal with it that matters.

OP, DH and I are both teachers and he has been a headteacher for the last six years or so.

There is no need for him to be completely incommunicado for the whole day. If he is doing this then it is a choice. DH went through a short phase of this at work, until the day when there was a genuine emergency and the only way I could contact him was by phoning his PA, who had to put out a tannoy and a call on the SLT walkie talkies to track him down. Thereafter he made sure he was always reachable. It's a shame that this incident happened after hours as this might have done the trick with your DH too.

Your DH's school may have rules about staff phones but he could wear an Apple Watch or other smart watch, and he will be able to glance at his phone in break times.

I do get how incredibly intense a heavy day at school can be. I have done full teaching days plus duty where I have literally not been able to eat anything or sit down all day. Nevertheless I am a parent too and I have a responsibility to be contactable in the event of an emergency, and so does your husband. Don't accept excuses that this is the nature of the job. He is making choices here.

You are so amusing because a school teacher is one of the jobs most compatible with family life. So what if he is home late a few times a year? That is more than offset by having a parent paid at home every school break without having to use annual leave, without loss of pay and avoiding all the childcare costs and headache that most dual income families face.

This thread appears to be full of men opting out of life as they're SOO busy doing their VERY IMPORTANT MANZ THINGS... (women never do anything important 🤔or are busy...)
I completely understand so many jobs are very full on... I've worked in them... BUT there is 2 mins when you pop to loo, 2 mins when you go to water/coffee machine... Enough to check
To be fair I don't think it's people accepting men being super busy with important man things, so much as people acknowledging that a teacher (male or female) doesn't necessarily have access to their phone depending on school policy, it's actually very common to struggle to get a toilet break some days in school, and it was probably a silly plan that DH/OP made to expect him to be able to leave the parents evening at work when it's part of his directed time.

When I was pregnant I was moved classrooms closer to a toilet because otherwise by the time I'd dismissed a class and set up the next class, the chance of me having time to get a drink and go to the bathroom was almost nil.

I really think the checking his phone aspect is irrelevant as this was planned ahead so there was nothing to notify him about. He knew he was supposed to be home for a certain time so if he wasn’t going to be home then that’s on him to contact you, not on you to chase him.

I don’t think either of them realised it was a bad plan, they wouldn’t have come up with and agreed on a plan if they knew it more likely to fail than not. There is literally no point to arguing it’s your fault the plan failed because those of us with many parents evenings under our belts can see it wouldn’t have worked even if the DH had checked his phone/remembered. There is no way a teacher doing parents evening was going to get home by 5:30pm so his wife could then go by herself to another parents evening for 6pm. It was also silly of her to think she had to leave the DC at home, she should have realised her DH is required (not choosing) but required to work late that evening and so should have handled the other parents evening herself.

I am one such mother. It’s not a “luxury” to not have the time, ability or headspace to constantly check your phone for messages from family.

Sure he could, there is something called child care in these buildings called nurseries. Children are cared for while their parent(s) are at work. How do you think working single and widowed parents manage?

DH and I are another teaching couple, both in senior roles.

I agree with the pp who said that he is making choices here. Both DH and I have a tendency to become absorbed in a task, and of course the nature of the work can mean it's impossible to check messages (although not for a whole ten hours - come on!). If we have important commitments we set calendar reminders either on our work Outlook or on the home shared calendar and make sure that the notifications come through to our watches. There are plenty of strategies that he could use if he chose.

That being said, in a case like this with a clash between our work parents' evenings and our children's, we wouldn't have attempted to do both. We would have contacted our children's teacher (they are still in primary) to let them know that we couldn't make it and asked if they could schedule a short phone call with us on another day instead.