To be fuming... missed parents evening.

[2under4]

My OH is a primary school teacher. He was so absorbed doing parents evenings for his pupils, he completely forgot about our child's (at another school). He'd known about it, and had said it wad fine. I'd purposefully got the latest slot (6pm) so that he would have plenty of time to get home, and put children to bed whilst I went. It meant getting ready for bed time for the kids, so wgen he didn't arrive home, I couldn't take them out yawning and playing up where they were really tired.

I'm also pissed off that I couldn't get hold of him. He doesn't check his phone from breakfast time, until whatever time he leaves work. I get that he can't have his phone on him all day as he's in a classroom, but I feel he should prioritise checking it quickly at lunch (I'd messaged him reminding him earlier), and at least have it on him, on silent, once the children have gone home. I think it's really unreasonable for him to just switch off from life for 10 hours a day, in case there's an emergency. Also because he is really forgetful, and I do sometimes message him reminders - not often, but stuff like today. I've asked him before to make more effort to be contactable, when appropriate. He told me today a flat no. He isn't going to check his phone, it's my responsibility to deal with anything that comes up. Presumably including the two days I work.

I'm fuming. He's saying "no-ones died" and telling me basically to get over it. No plan to change anything going forward. Am I overreacting?

I think you're both just being unreasonable/ unrealistic tbh.
There is no way in hell someone doing parents appointments at their own school could be home for 5:30, that's just nonsense! Neither of you should have thought that was possible in the first place.

But yes, he will be able to look at his phone after the pupils have left and before any afternoon meetings etc. Even if it's just a quick glimpse.

i think it’s a bit dramatic. Annoying, but I’m sure you can make an appointment with their teacher another time, or have a zoom. People forget stuff, it happens.

I get livid with my other half for doing this kind of thing! He’s ADHD and I’m the default parent who is used to multitasking and juggling everything. I work in a primary school in a senior role and there are just some days where I don’t manage to go to the loo or eat until 3.30. Back to back meetings, incidents to deal with, safeguarding or behaviour, break and lunch duty and those are the non teaching days. So it can be all encompassing and immersive. I’ve forgotten appointments. There are days when I don’t manage to check my phone until children have gone home. Still, I’d be fuming!

He is being ridiculous. Plenty of us teachers are female/male, with kids, and make it work- some as single parents.
He is an adult and needs to take some responsibility for his life choices (like his career, marriage and having kids) and step up. He should be communicating with you. If it wasn't feasible he should've said so. If he forgets, he needs to look at ways to remember. What an embarrassment.
While this might not be a "big deal" with his attitude and not taking responsibility, he us certainly setting a precendent and letting you know where his priorities lie.
When someone shows you what type of person they are believe them...

I think you’re both being unreasonable and need to communicate with each other. Did you both not realise the parents evenings were on the same night? He’s unreasonable for saying he won’t change and could you really not take the children to a 6 pm appointment? Some children are just finishing childcare at this time , hardly an unreasonable time.

Just ask to speak to the teacher another time. These things happen. I’m a teacher and missed my own child’s parents appointment with the sendco last term and then this term I even forgot to make the appointment. But I’ve been in touch with the sendco since. The first time was due to the timing as they were all done in school time and my lessons finished but I’d been held back with staff meeting about something and then realised I was too late to log on (virtual). I emailed to apologise. Next one was o got an email telling me to log on to make an appointment but appointments wouldn’t be open for booking until 6pm. At that time I was out and about taxiing children to activities and totally forgot. Completely left my brain.

My ex however gets the same emails but has never yet made an appointment to see teachers. Came with me when k booked a few times but after that just told me to update him as he always felt they were a waste of time 🤦‍♀️

Same

My responsibilities don't disappear because I'm teaching all day, and they're not my husband's sole responsibility just because I teach.

OP, your husband is a full-of-himself arse and needs a reality check.

I was actually agreeing with you, although clearly it didn’t come across that way haha. What I’m trying to say is that he could have let you know etc, would still have an opportunity to be on his phone at some point during the day, doesn’t just have to lock it away from when he arrives until when he leaves.

Your husband is kind of a jerk. He’s not working as a team rather he acts like he’s single. Next time call the office to get a hold of him although I’m sure he’ll be pissed about it.

If it's the first time he's forgotten something this important then move on. Life's too short and hopefully it won't happen again. If it's a frequent occurrence yanbu to expect him to have a better system for remembering things.

Yabu to demand he message you during the day. When I'm busy at work I don't want to spend my lunch break on my phone. Its not unreasonable to expect an adult to be able to manage without contact for a working day. Let's be honest, in a genuine emergency you would just call the call switchboard and somebody would get him.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with him being a teacher it’s because he can’t be bothered he feels that you can pick up the slack whilst he does his important work. My husbands the same and he has an entry level admin job and whereas I have a more high pressure job, I am still meant to pick up school messages, ensure before after school is sorted basically women have to have two hats on at all times and men are allowed to compartmentalise their lives. Just another example of inequality in parenting 🙈

I don’t think I’ve ever had a parents evening where my children haven’t attended. My eldest has always sat outside while myself or myself and DH have been talking to the teachers and my youngest came in, and when she was old enough she went outside too. I’m pretty sure that’s what most people in the school do.

@2under4 is looking for solutions. Does the DH use a laptop in class? Mine was rigged up to show my personal emails and messages coming in (by number, not content), so I always knew what was going on. No phone calls needed.

As has been noted upthread, he would have to check his school emails during the day as part of his job, so easy to click on personal messages.

My ex-husband was a primary headteacher and always, always put more effort and attention into the children at his school than his own children. I got really fed up with the parents at his school telling me how lucky I was and how he must be a wonderful father....nope! One of the main reasons he is now an ex. I feel your pain.

Plenty of men have to someone's prioritise their work sometimes (as do some women). Just because in yours and the OP 's cars their work involves children, doesn't mean that they prioritised other children over theirs. Their work could have been in retail, or in banking, or in hospitality, or in anything else. You wouldn't say that they care about their customers more than their children. You'd just blame work/the company.

It's farcical to make it personal, as if they care more about the actual pupils than their kids. You wouldn't say that if he worked for Tesco's or Barclays.

I am a mother and a teacher. I often don’t get time to check my phone until around 4.30/5pm. We cannot have phones out in areas where children could be, so unless I make it to the staff room - which is rare- I can’t check it at lunch time as I often work whilst I eat or am on duty. I also work with younger children and we don’t have break time in the some way as other year groups, so I only have a 45 minute window for lunch (15 mins of which is supporting the children settling and getting their lunch in the hall). Most days there are meetings or training of some sort after school and once Iv waited with children at the office who are collected late (daily!), I’m running to the meeting. If my partner or my childminder need me, they have the main school phone number and can contact me that way.
It’s not a case of priorities, it’s a case of having a job to do which is often non-stop. I would be annoyed if my partner expected me to be able to check my phone in the day. We discuss anything for the day before I leave or the night before.

Wow, what a lot of replies! Thank-you to everyone who has responded, both the YABUs and the YANBUs. It's helped me realise I'm not overreacting, but also helped me see it from his perspective more. Anyway, we've both calmed down now and it's blown over.

As luck (unluck) would have it, we've had a plumbing crisis today, complete with a tradesman who may or may not have just been a scam artist. It's been a wild week 😒 But he did check his phone today, and has conceded that occasions such as this one, it's better that he's in the loop. As such, he's agreed he'll try and check his phone when he can. I guess that's a win, of the expensive and pooey kind...

No, it’s not usually common for children to go to parent teacher conferences, especially late in the day evening.

Fantastic! I’m glad he’s seeing things from your point of view!

Glad he understands now why he should check his phone when he can

Rebooking is true, the teacher won’t have a choice but to give up their own time for the appointment. I hope you let them know you wouldn’t make it so they could go home to their own family, rather than waiting just in case you were late.

You are unreasonable about the expectation he would be home by 6 on parents’ evening.

YANU that he can check his phone at lunch time, unless he does a duty.

But you didn’t need to miss parents evening. It was at 6pm so the kids could have gone with you. Yes you’d arranged ottnerwise but come on when things don’t go to plan find a way to pull it out the bag.

@Pyongyang

I could have written this... My empathy 😢.
As you say-hugely damaging...

I'm primary and definitely don't check my emails during the day, nor am I expected to. I do check my phone at lunch but I'm helped by the fact my school is pretty lax about the use of phones; in my old school we had to put them in lockers in the staffroom (which I didn't always go to), bought specifically for that purpose.